Jackie Kennedy

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“In my teenage years, I was madly in love with Jackie Kennedy. I deemed her and Queen Victoria toonly women worthy of being my wife. Alas that in Jackie's eyes I was not rich enough, powerful enough, straight enough, or extramarital enough!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Jackie Kennedy

“After me she was the second prettiest First Lady. Why are you laughing?!”

~ Barbra Bush on Jackie Kennedy

“Of all my many wives, Jackie was my favorite.”

~ John F. Kennedy on Jackie Kennedy

“Well, I guess it's the best we got in terms of having a queen. All hail, America's empress!”

~ The American people on Jackie Kennedy

"I wouldn't touch you with a ten-foot pole!"

[edit] Birth and Childhood

Jackie Kennedy was born Jackie Kennedy on May 21, 1929. Her parents, intent on preparing their daughter for a successful adulthood, decided to give their daughter the last name Kennedy so as to provide an early suggestion about what family she should marry into. By all accounts Jackie was a quiet and calm baby. Photos of her from her early years show the infant Jackie staring stolidly at the camera from behind oversized sunglasses. Her father, a rake and rastabout made somewhat wealthy by his invention of the gin-and-tonic, squandered a good deal of his money on his incurable penchant for white suits and alligator shoes. The debts he eventually accrued, coupled with the shopping bills produced by the infant Jackie, ultimately forced him to file for bankruptcy. Fortunately, it was the height of the Great Depression, and so economic woes were common enough that a young Jackie didn't feel ashamed to go to school in a burlap sack. One teacher recalls that the young Jackie used to mutter "If I ever get out of this stinking childhood, I'm going to marry so rich I'll never have to worry about clothes again!" The teacher, for whom the one unforigveable vice was arrogantly predicting one's future, ensured that Jackie got an F in her class.

[edit] Adolescence and Young Womanhood

During her adolscence years, Jackie had two main hobbies: horse-riding and giving boys blue balls. She required that all of her dates present their credit scores to her prior to any hand-holding. Those who offered unsavory scores were given the boot. A young Gore Vidal was one of Jackie's early suitors, but he was rebuffed almost instantly. Jackie later cited the "shitty writing style" of his love letters as the main reason for her disgust.

At age 18, Jackie went to Paris in the hopes that the world's wealthy good-looking men were all hiding out there. While in Paris, she decided to drop her American name, using instead the alias "Jacqueline Bouvier," which at the time was the Frenchest name yet conceived. Eventually, though, Paris bored Jackie, and so she returned to the U.S. and began husband-hunting in New York and D.C.

[edit] Meeting JFK and Becoming First Lady

Jackie met her future husband, John F. Kennedy, while the latter, then a young Senator, was scoring with Grace Kelly in a quiet garden behind the Capitol building. Jackie had been hanging around the Capitol in hopes of getting her hooks into a Senator. When she saw "Jack" (as she called him) banging one out in his usual rapid haphazard manner, she realized that at last there was a man whose sexual demands wouldn't bother her too much within the confines of marriage. And so immediately she proposed to him. First Jack finished with Grace, and then, thinking over the proposal, recognized its political value. And so immediately he ensured her that they would wed, so long as his father approved. The two lovebirds then went to the Palace of Boston and there begged the great Joseph Kennedy for his blessing. Sitting from his golden throne, the great Joe tugged at his purple cloak, pondered the possibilities of the marriage, and then in a booming voice gave his approval.

Now that he had a wife, John F. Kennedy was allowed to run for President. Jackie was a critical component of his campaign. Every night, from eleven P.M. until eight in the morning, she made the campaign buttons with her very own button-making machine. Additionally she limited her clothes shopping excursions to only twice daily so that there would be additional funds to use in the campaign.

After Kennedy's opponent Nixon went on TV with a bottle of scotch, a full beard, and a shirt reading "America Sucks," Kennedy was a shoe-in for the Presidency. And sure enough, in November, all of the voters who expressed a dislike of Kennedy mysteriously never made it to the polls, guaranteeing a Kennedy win. In January of 1961, Jack Kennedy, his father, Jackie, and a small army of Mobsters celebrated in D.C. after Kennedy's inauguration. Promising a "new era" for America, Kennedy ensured everyone that Jackie would not be allowed to touch a goddman thing in the White House.

[edit] First Lady and the Assassination

As First Lady, Jackie Kennedy immediately began altering the White House. She took out its shag carpet, its Hummel figurines, its boar's head, and in their place she put in bean bag chairs, kiwi colors, and a room reserved for doing the Twist. She filled the White House with many, many outfits and shoes, and the portraits of all the "ugly Presidents" were taken down. In 1962, Jackie travelled to India, where she showed the impoverished locals that, despite their insistence to the contrary, you can indeed ride an elephant while wearing high heels and a dress.

Jack and Jackie, nicknamed by the press as the portmanteau "Jackie," had two children together: sweet Caroline, who would later grow up to a be a songster muse, and John, Jr., who would later grow up to bed Princess Diana.

Jackie frequently turned a blind eye to her husband's extramarital affairs, even though 90% of these took place while Jackie was laying alongside her husband in bed. She found revenge in her own way: for each woman Jack slept with, she bought a department store. Within a single year, Jackie was the proud owner of 849 department stores.

The idyllic White House years came to an early close, however, when on November 22, 1963, the President was assassinated by a scrappy Communist sympathiser and part-time CIA, FBI, KGB, mob, Secret Service, Dallas Police, and Nixon informant. Jackie was distraught, and, in his kindness, the new President Lyndon Johnson assured her that she didn't have to be out of the White House until five o'clock that night.

[edit] Marriage to Onassis

Jackie, faced with the prospect of having to live on a measely $500,000 year, decided it was imperative that she find another husband. At first she turned to the already-married Bobby Kennedy. This frightened President Johnson, as Bobby wanted to be the next President, and new laws recently passed in John F. Kennedy's honor declared that any Kennedy married to Jackie would automatically become President. At first Johnson tried to have Jackie drafted to fight in the Vietnam war, but when this failed, he waited until Bobby was mysteriously shot himself.

Getting the obvious hint that America had a hard-on for killing Kennedys, Jackie decided it was time to live abroad. And so she married a troll she found living in the caves of Skorpios, just off the mainland of Greece. This troll, donning the human name Aristotle Onassis, promised Jackie her weight in rubies if he married her. She haggled, getting the price to be his weight in rubies.

Aristotle figured he had made a pretty good deal, but he soon realized he had failed to make explicit that his payment of Jackie's weekly shopping bills were not part of the deal. He was bankrupt of all his troll rubies within a few years. When a troll loses its rubies, it turns to dust---and such was the fate of Onassis.

[edit] Final Years

Jackie returned to the U.S., where she faced yet another tragedy when she was forced watch her kids decide to become law students. The strain of such much grief in her life wrecked its toll, and in May of 1993 Jackie Kennedy died. Ted Kennedy inherited the last of her shopping bills not yet paid for.