Jacques Derrida

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“You write what you wish to keep... And if someone want to write 'A man got arrested today for using the wrong tomato ketcup', I'll fucking keep it. Yes sir. just goes to show what capitalist corporate cocksuckers those english cow fuckers really really are.”

~ Derrida on Derrida

“I'm only as finite as my last sentence, no, not that last one, this last one, no, the previously aforementioned err... Bollocks.”

~ Derrida on The only decent word ze english Av

“There's nothing outside the differant meth.”

~ Oscar Wilde on drugs

Despite numerous injuries and the soul-destroying decades of manual labour which his father forced upon him in an attempt to turn Jackie into a Muscle Mary, "The Reader" always looked really cool.

...well, most of the time, anyways.

Jacques Derrida (nintendo ~.~ - ?) Who would appreciate our relationship to Wikipedia. Was the first well known case of dyslexia, a condition psychologists claim was caused when as a child he nearly drowned in pot of alphabet soup. This traumatic event almost certainly led to his famous proclamation "There is nothing outside the text". Anglophone philosophers protested vehemently that this was "Most definitely bollocks" as while reading his work they popped into the kitchen to make a cup a tea. Other Anglophone philosophers agreed stating that "not only was it Bollocks" but that "it wasn't even in proper english..." which made it "even more bollocks".

JD, Derrida's DJ name and preferred title, countered that his work wasn't "Bollocks" or "Even more bollocks", but actually lay somewhere in between, in an antinomy that had no reference to space and time implied by the word "between". And that hiccups commonly believed to be caused by trapped wind were actually initiated by a lack of 'sneer' quotes in someone's written and spoken speech.

British "common sense" philosophers, whose reply that "Zis makes no Sense you froggy garlic man" is best summed up by the unknown Lockean scholar T.P. Tittypoo who's elegant reproach gently prodded an excusing finger in JD's lack of direction: "Yeah! But like, what do you mean yeah? You dont even like make no sense yeah. Dat man be like well whatever like yeah innit blood! Word to ma mere. Bust im Yeah!"

At the center of the Derrida controversy was his discovery of destruction, which instantly granted him freedom from the actual meanings of things. Unfortunately, destruction can only be utilized by its original discoverer, condemning the rest of us to things as they actually are. There are only two principles to destruction; unfortunately, according to Derrida, it is not actually possible for anyone to understand these principles: 1.) There is nothing outside of the French; 2.) Every question asked in the English language can be satisfactorily answered by the words: "You just haven't understood me. It must be your phallus."

Jacques is probably best known for his portrayal of Peter Falk in the hit television series Columbo, where his character solved mysteries with the help of his two dogs Muttley and Mumbly, and his glass eye. He joined the BBC as one of the first disc jockeys on BBC Radio 1 in 1957, bringing confusion to millions with his show 'Word Up', but dishonourably ditched his existing listeners to establish the pirate station Anti-YO, specifically targeted at the overweight and non-existant. Repeatedly confirming that these were his the best and most politically active listeners in the entire known history of the multiverse, 'cos that they were too fat or ethereal to complainement'. One listener also stated that when it came to the show 'he was all eyes'.

'Time to do some writing' thought Derrida, who then immediately went out and bought a spirit monkey called noumenon, later renamed Johnson for short. His first book: "Oh la la, I love the smell of fresh virgin Kant: Language bloody language!" was a non-immediate bestseller. Loved by 'Kurt Cabang!', formally of nirvana. Derrida then wrote of his best books in is head.

Apparently Derrida died in 2004, a claim subseqently questioned by the New York Times which asked, "If truth is never final and there is nothing outside the text, how can he really be sure that he's dead?" Upon further Deconstruction of his body, it was discovered that he was indeed made up of just text. Sadly, this text made no sense, even to the most trained scholars.

In cultural circles the most important part of Derrida's legacy is the his disinspiration, along with sexual partner and fellow philosopher Michel Foucault, of Post-humanism, which holds that human beings are incapable of doing anything now, due to their awesome-cool combination of destruction and paranoia. Though this philosophical unmovement began in France, it has had by far its most unpromising influence in Germany.

Extensive Biography