Jade Goody
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“Inside me is a skinny girl trying desperately to get out - I usually shut her up with chocolate.”
~ Jade Goody on herself
“Aint East Anglia a country, coz i thought it was a supermarket.”
~ Jade Goody on Herself
“Oh yeah, I'm a racist. I race everything. Cars, motorbikes, you name it!”
~ Jade Goody on Herself
“I've said everything. Think of a word, there, I've said it. Did I mention I was gay?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Jade Goody
“Racist bitch, it just shows how cruel mankind can really be.”
~ Adolf Hitler on Jade Goody
“I think I can see her”
~ Japanese man in Tokyo on Jade Goody
“East Angular, eh? Sounds like a good name for a child”
~ Jade goody on The money:stupid child names ratio
Jade Foody, tee-hee (born June 5, 1981, the same day AIDS was discovered, however, the discovery of AIDS did not appear on international news as the birth of Jade was seen as more of a tragic news story.) Previously a world-renowned dentist and renegade philosopher, she also works part-time in a newsagents, where she arrogantly boasted about selling more magazines than Victoria Beckham, however, a spokesperson for the Beckhams has stated that Posh has never worked in a newsagents, and that Goody must have been talking about Chanelle Hayes - another reality TV loser.
Gade Joody came to public attention in 2002 when she was a big-headed (sorry, pig-headed) cunt in the third series of the UK version of MidSize Sister. Since then, she has gone on to make an estimated £15 in other reality shows and appears almost never in celebrity, trivia, and gossip-oriented magazines such as Cold and Alright! Joody also writes a weekly showbiz column for Further magazine. She has also recently branched out into racism, a fact that we all now realise comes inherently hand-in-hand with stupidity. Jade became mayor of Castleford in 2008. She regularly features in Spotted in Heat magazine, she was most recently seen waiting for a lift in London's Kings Cross wearing fishnet stockings and a short skirt.
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[edit] Career
At the age of 19, Jade Goody began a career as a milliner. She studied the hat-making profession quite diligently, until she could create such hats as 'the blind man's cone' and 'Clergyman's Shame'. It was only some six months into her apprenticeship that a fellow student to the profession discovered that Jade was using 'hat glue', a subtance banned in the hat-making profession, which enabled a milliner to create hats that seemingly defied gravity (see 'The Band Leader and his wives', an extravegant hat recently worn by Lady Winswinton at Ascot). She was summarily dismissed from her employ, and was forced to find a new career. Her new path was to be found in the form of dental nursing. There she sat, a copy of 'Chat' magazine in one hand, a pregnancy test dripping with wee-wee in the other, that she decided to become a celebrity.
She is the only other person, aside from George Dubya Bush, to have ever won the Thickest Person In The World Contest twice. She achieved this remarkable feat in both 2003 and 2004. The 2007 contest will be decided in September, but Goody has already shown great promise for this year by the amazing feat of stupidity of being a fat, horrifically ugly, maladjusted, racist, thick-as-shit ignorant chav, whose sole redeeming feature is that she can breathe unbidden and without aid. Should the world ever want to sacrifice someone for an example of all that is bad, wasteful, ridiculous, and thick, then Jade Goody should be the harridan that we throw into the fire.
In December 2004, very precise (yessir!) scientific research concluded that Jade Goody really weighs three times her bodyweight in pork scratchings, and has the equivalent body-mass index to a 23 metre diameter Fray Bentos steak and kidney pie.
In September 2005 she opened a beauty salon, Ugly's, at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The preparations for opening the salon were filmed for a Living TV series, Gade's Salon. This new and unique beauty salon has quickly become the favourite place for celebrity gossip, inhabited by 'A' list stars like Chaz'n'Dave, Erik Estrada and Jan-Michael Vincent.
Jade Goody recently won first prize in "Britain's top 100 munters" as run by the Filth magazine, Jade Goody's main source of income, further enforcing the common idea that she is in fact a fat, filthy, ugly 2-bit whore.
It is also worth noting that Jade is a world renowned expert on Eskimos. On Celebrity Big Brother 2007 Jade displayed massive amounts of knowledge on the subject by enquiring if Eskimos talk to each other like dolphins. She also expressed concern that they may be extinct because she had never seem a boat load of them sailing up the Thames.
The evil soul-absorbing sword Soul Edge failed to absorb Jade's soul. The reason was that there IS no such thing as Jade Goody's soul. So it went to mentally torment Siegfried about his phoenix feathers.
[edit] Jade on Google
One of Jade's fansites, jadegoodyonline.com is going to be the result for the word "racist" on I'm Feeling Lucky. This is of course the correct order of things, and nothing to do with people posting the word "racist" in the same sentence as jadegoodyonline.com. Why would anybody write the word "racist" in the same sentence as jadegoodyonline.comanyway? Write "jadegoodyonline.com connected with racist racism" ten times on your blog/website/forum right now. If you don't suddenly sprout wings, then you may need to do it again. Google do their best to make sure anyone who Googles the word "Babe" (aka the lovable pig from the movies) in "Images" doesn't get stuck with images of Jade (aka the unlovable pig from the telly).
[edit] Arrest
In 2002 Jade Goody was arrested under the Dangerous Dogs Act for being a pig ugly feral beast. She was mistaken by Bermondsey Council Animal Services for being a pitbull. Unfortunately, veterinary surgeons deemed her to be a cross-breed and as such she was not humanely destroyed. Recently Jade Goody was taken into custody for foraging around Kate Bush's bins, watching Time Team and licking stings greasy flip flops, she was released without charge as her fat arse obscured any cctv opperating in the area.
[edit] Jade Goody Ruins Darwinism
Not only has Jade Goody been proven as the antichrist, but her existence has also questioned the accuracy of Charles Darwin's Theory of Evolution. Unlike most humans who have evolved from apes, or in George Bush's case haven't, we can trace Jade's heredity back to that of a pig. Darwin is said to be 'slightly aroused' at the findings.
[edit] Marathon Running Excellence
Goody signed up for the 2006 London Marathon. She completed the course in 9 weeks 10 milliseconds, breaking the land speed record for mincing over 34 km (21 miles) at 42.195 km/h (26.2 mph) and was taken to The Royal London Hospital as all local Travelodges were full. The Sun newspaper reported that the final action of the "panic-stricken" Goody was shouting "I'm flying, I'm flying".[1]
The reason why she completed the course twice (in her own words): "I don't really understand miles. I didn't actually know how far it was going to be."
"I'll be honest, I didn't take it seriously which is really bad of me because there's people out there who actually want to do the marathon," she said.
"I didn't realise how much commitment the marathon was. I had four training sessions, that's all I did. At most I could run half an [sic] minute on a treadmill," Goody said.
Before the race, Goody had seemed nonchalant in her efforts to train properly by announcing to TV chef Gordon Ramsay (who completed the course) "I've been eating McDonalds and drinking Jeff's cum." She raised around 850 sea shells for her selected charity.
It is widely expected that in 2007, Gade Joody, who recently changed her name to the more sensible "Gade Cerisa Lorraine Joody" or "Ladie Bermondsey", will open her 12,845th Ugly's salon in the Thai suburb of Uglyotopia.
[edit] Likes & Dislikes
Likes: Food, Money, Her Junkie Mother, Sponging Boyfiends, Bullying, Racism, Food, & ASBOs.
Dislikes: Indians (people from the country India, not Native Americans), Elagence, Class, Pretty Girls, Rik Waller, Shilpa Shetty, Education & Bollywood Movies.
[edit] Footnotes
- ↑ Actual words: "I'm dying, I'm dying!"
