James Bond (character)

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Number of chicks that Bond has laid since you started reading this article:

Number of chicks dying of Bond's STD since you started reading this article:


“I wish I was James Bond, just for the day.”

~ Scouting for Girls on James Bond

“James Bond never pulled me, I pulled HIM.”

~ Oscar Wilde on James Bond

“I like them shaken, not stirred.”

~ James Bond on Bond Girls

“I hope you're not just another Russian girl whose name is a cheap sexual pun, Ms. Sukmeov.”

~ James Bond on Bond Girls

“He fucks lots of chicks and kills people.”

~ Captain Obvious on James Bond

“Ingenious, Q. It's a bomb, but it's also a rucksack.”

~ James Bond on the originality of MI6 (much better, but less well funded British equivalent of the CIA)

“My name is Bond, James Emilio Ricardo Hernandez Gonzales Emanuel Bond.”

~ James Bond on his Spanish heritage
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about James Bond (character).

“You have AIDS Mr. Bond. You've had it since the early 80's. You also have every STD known to man. Honestly, it's a medical miracle that you are still alive.”

~ James Bond's Doctor on Jame Bond's junk

“In Soviet Russia James Bond watches you!”

~ Russian Reversal on James Bond

Bond, James Bond 007 (born Ian 'Bob' Fleming) is an ultra-suave British secret agent - formerly secret, anyway. Bond is noted for his love of martinis (stirred, not shaken), women (shaken, not stirred), cars (taken not stirred), for the bionic weapons built into his body (activated with the phrase "Go-Go Gadget Spoon", for example) and for his signature greeting which goes: "Bond, James Bond". It is sometimes falsely believed that his first name is James, however this is actually his middle name; Bond being both his first and last name. Also, for a secret agent, everyone in the world knows who he is at first glance.james bond is a parody of auston powers international man of mystery.
“As in the late Dentarthudent. It's a threat, you see.”

~ Slartibartfast on confusing introductions

Contents

[edit] Books

The cover to one of Fleming's shitty novels.
The cover to one of Fleming's shitty novels.

James Bond came into existence when Ian Phlegming published his first Bond novel Casino Royale with Cheese Served Upside Down. Ian Flaming published several other novels but of course, no one cares about the stupid books. It is the films that made Bond a household name. (See also Cillit Bang).

[edit] Movies

In 1961 Albert Broccoli and Barry Asparagus (aka the Chuckle Brothers) decided to produce the James Bond film series with permission from Ian Plumbing. They scoured all over the universe for an unsuitable James Bond until they found a suitable one, Shorn Canary. He starred in the first five James Bond movies, all adaptations of books, before he was given the lethal injection for having stared in League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.

In 1969 a new James Bond movie was announced by the name of On Her Majesty's Secret Service, a documentary following an normal week of the "real" James Bond. However George Lazenby was hated by the public, who threw tomatoes at him every time they saw him, so he cut down by a lumberjack and made into a table and chairs, which now sit in Jesus Christ's office. For their next James Bond movie, Albert and Barry brought Canary back to life for one more movie, Diamonds Are Almost Forever (after the movie closed production he was once again given the lethal injection).

In 1973 a new James Bond took over, Roger More. Roger was actually drafted into the role as part of witness protection and had no prior experience of acting. More starred in the next six James Bond movies, and by A View Over The Hill he was extremely old and he in fact fell apart straight after filming.

It took eight years to propionate a new James Bond to come forward (ha ha, innuendo) and since every previous James Bond actor had been killed in some ghastly way, there weren't many actors who wanted to play the character. Eventually they found Prince Barin, who starred in two more films before being killed in an elephant stampede. In 1995, eight years since the most recent movie (at the time), License To Smell a new Bond film, was released, starring Pierced Brosmum. He starred in four more movies, the last being To Die Yet Another Way. Ironically, days after finishing the shooting, he was assassinated by some random hater, and died in a different way than the other Bond actors.

After Brosnan's death, a black James Bond was considered.
After Brosnan's death, a black James Bond was considered.

After Brosnan's death, rumors spread across the Internet like old kippers of who would be the next Bond. Names like Oscar Wilde, Bea Arthur and thingumajig. You know, that guy from the sci-fi show. Not the main one, the other one. No not the one with the beard. Oh, forget it! were fan favorites. The producers remained silent for over a year, choosing instead to talk about the next James Bond car and soap dispenser.

On October 14, 2004 a new James Bond was selected, after they had got the list down to three. They picked Barry White over the other two top picks, Mel Brooks and Ashlee Simpson. However, Barry White was considered "too black for Bond", therefore EON gave him the boot. Finally, on November 16, 2006, they decided to cast Daniel Craig David as Bond. The resulting film, Casino Royale With Cheese (It's Because of the Metric System), was released on November 22, 2006.

[edit] The new Bond

Daniel Craig is so going to fucking kill you.
Daniel Craig is so going to fucking kill you.

On November 22, 2006, Casino Royale with Cheese Served Upside Down debuted. Tabloids commented on the new Bond with slogans such as "British Film Budget Running Low". However, in keeping with action movie 20 second drownings, Daniel Craig drowned the trash talkers in various public restrooms devoid of patrons (as usual), and is now currently basking in the light of a self-imposed critical praise.

[edit] The future of the Bond series

Roger Moore is rumored to play the "bond guy" in the next James Bond film.
Roger Moore is rumored to play the "bond guy" in the next James Bond film.

In November of 2008, the 22nd official Bond film will be released, entitled Bond: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of England. Though details on the plot are sketchy, the producers are acknowledging that Bond will "track a dangerous villain from England to America," "gain cultural feedback from various Americans about how to be a gentleman," and "make sexy time with many homosexuals."

The writers have also acknowledged the filming of a brutal fight sequence involving a naked Bond and Larry King which takes place at a Marriot in L.A. The filmmakers are hoping this will be the darkest and most realistic Bond film yet.

Where the series is going from here, no one is certain, but many rumors have been generated. One notable one is that by the next film, James Bond will be gay, and "bond girls" will be replaced with "bond guys". Another rumor is that, in promotion of conservation of the environment, Bond's car will be a hybrid Honda Civic in future films.

[edit] List of Bond films

  1. Dr. Yes or maybe No (1962)
  2. Dr. No To Drugs (1962)
  3. From Russia with AIDS (1963)
  4. Goldfingered (1964)
  5. Thunderballs (1965)
  6. You Only Came Twice? (1967)
  7. On Her Majesty's Secret Service (1969)
  8. On His Majesty's Even More Secret "Service" (1969)
  9. Diamonds r 4 Eva (1971)
  10. Live and Let Die (1973)
  11. The Man with the Older Son (1974)
  12. The Spy Who Bleeped Me (1977)
  13. Moonraper (1979)
  14. For Your Brown Eye Only (1981)
  15. Tottenham Hotspur (1983)
  16. Never Say Never Say Never Again Again in case you didn't already see Thunderball (1983)
  17. A View with a Room (1985)
  18. Of Mice and Men (1986)
  19. The Dying Nightlights (1987)
  20. License To Grill (1989)
  21. My Goldeneye is Attracted to your Goldenboobs (1995)
  22. Tomorrow Never Spontaneously Combusts (1997)
  23. The World Is Quite Enough, Thank You (1999)
  24. Die Another Gay (2002)
  25. To Die Yet Another Way (2002)
  26. Casino Royale With Cheese Served Upside Down (2006)
  27. Bond: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of England (2008)
  28. James Bond and Polonium 210 (2010)
  29. Goldenshower (2011)
  30. Bond Begins (2012)
  31. To Die Yet Another Way Yet Again (2014)
  32. To Kill a Mockingbird (3072)
  33. The Smoking Penis (2019)
  34. 007 in: I Am Too Damn Old for This...Please Let Me Retire (2034)
  35. Hospice Royal (2074)
  36. Rocky XIV (2014)
  37. Quantum of Leap (2008)
  38. The Man With The Golden Runs (1905)
  39. James Bond in Africa (2016)
  40. James Bond vs. Shaft & Johnny English (2017)
  41. James Bond vs. Jack Bauer & Solid Snake & Liquid Snake & Solidus Snake(2018)
  42. James Bond vs. The "Spy vs. Spy" dudes (2019)
  43. James Bond vs. Manny Paquiao(Paquiao beat him by hair with a modded rocket launcher)(2020)
  44. James Bond Wrestling Tournament: Sean Connery v. Roger Moore v. Timothy Dalton v. George Lazenby v. Pierce Brosnan; Winner takes on the reigning Bond Champ Daniel "Jenny" Craig (Coming Soon)
  45. The five Bonds
  46. James Bond Vs. Predator Vs. Alien Vs. BizzaroBond (Coming Not So Soon)
  47. 007 James Bond Vs. Your Mom, the One Girl who he Hasn't Screwed Yet (2020)
  48. 007 in: Why the Hell won't you guys let me retire yet? (3035)
  49. 007 in: To Die Yet Another Way Yet Again... (every year to come)
  50. Feel my STD'S women (every second)
  51. Jimmy Bond in Casino Royale II (2000)
  52. The Next Man with the Golden Runs (1900)
  53. Diamonds are Things you give to Hott Mama's When you want to get inside of their clothes (2345)
  54. Let me Stick my dick in your octopussy (2000 AD)

[edit] Gadgets

Bond, James Bond is well known for using advanced gadgets provided to him by M16's armorer, known only as B (Betty Boothroyd). Such gadgets include:

  • Concentrated vodka(to make the girls think he is hot)
  • Chainsaw gun
  • Inflatible Pants
  • The Batmobile
  • Russell Crowe's trousers
  • Richard Nixon mask
  • Skateboard with NOS boosters
    Bond keeps on rocking in the free world.
    Bond keeps on rocking in the free world.
  • Electric nipples
  • Jetpack made out of cheese
  • Yellow sourcream
  • Removable nutsack with power steering
  • Jimmy Neutron (in case there is need of weaponry)
  • Gaydar
  • "MacGyver Sux" T-Shirt
  • Instant Alibi
  • Mule cart pulled by a Chinese orphan
  • Ford Pinto with Sony PSP controller
  • Extra strength Old Spice with monkey pheromones
  • Inflatable cock
  • Ejector boxers
  • Instant blowup doll
  • Exploding Buttocks
  • Q Segway
  • Q approved grade A condom
  • Pepto Bismal
  • Portable HIV tester
  • Knockout gas (only works on females)
  • Playboy magazine: Secret Agent Edition
  • Miami Vice director's cut DVD
    He sometimes plays guitar with throwing knives, just like in GoldenEye 64
    He sometimes plays guitar with throwing knives, just like in GoldenEye 64
  • Automatic pistol that fires nuclear missiles
  • Sarcasm Detector
  • Rubber chicken
  • Anti-Flaccid cream
  • An ipod with a bunch of "mood songs" to help him have sex
  • A ihome disguised as a gun
  • Magic Cards
  • Chuck Norris
  • Gundam............................does he know how to drive?

[edit] James Bond quotes

“We better slow down, there are speed cameras.”

~ James Bond on British roads

“They're getting away! We'll get after them in this...pedalo!”

~ James Bond on British transport

“I'm sorry M. We had to give up the chase. I didn't have twelve pounds.”

~ James Bond on London congestion charge

[edit] See Also

[edit] External Links

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