James May

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

“Everytime I see James May, these are the words that pop into my head: Stylish and Contemporary... after words like beige... homosexual”

~ Jeremy Clarkson on James May

“Beaten by a fuckin' shaggy tramp who spent 4 hours peeling his fuckin' potatoes!!”

~ Gordon Ramsay on James May

For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about James May.

James May's first toy car

James "Captain Slow" May is a TV presenter on Top Gear, a car show which never provided any facts since the creation of Gordon Ramsay's bull penis (yes, the one he ate). He is certified as the slowest person on earth capable of driving a car by the ~~guns?~~...~~gunners?~~...~~guness?~~ Guinness Alcoholic Book of Records. James was born from parents who were once obsessed with Classical music and slow cars. James came in contact with automotive world when he got his first toy car at the age of 1. It was a small Nazi staff Car which played classical music when pushed around. James surprisingly managed to obtained adegree in stupid music (i.e. blues), which required rather fast movement of the fingers. However, his musical prowess is impressive: James has the ability to perform the entire Top Gear theme tune, using only the Engine and Transmission from Jeremy's expensive dumper, Richard's farting Bugatti and his 33 cylinder motorcyle

1 Career
2 Professor James Log May
3 Cars
4 The future for James
5 Captain Slow Love
6 The Jack Bauer theory
7 Things that make him James May
8 See also

[edit] Career

“He's clearly a blithering idiot.”

~ Jeremy Clarkson on why he adores James

“I'm a hamster but I'm always faster than him”

~ Richard Hammond on why he adores James

James first appeared on television in 1974. He played the part of presenter in the popular quiz show 'Countdown'. The programme ran for two episodes, until his drinking finally made chatting up Carol Vorderman impossible. May's next job in 1976 involved touring the Colonies with George Formby as a piano player, in the Colony of Rhodesia. After a 12 hour drinking session in Salisbury, May got on the wrong Bus and ended up at the Top Gear studios. George was allegedly incandescent with rage as James was the only member of his backing band who could play When The ~~buttocks~~ Water Works Caught Fire, when the song was requested in Hong Kong George had no choice but to play it without backing. After 3 months of sleeping in the Top Gear studio (as he had no idea where he was) James was eventually discovered by Richard Hammond while chewing the cold wall. Jeremy Clarkson had tipped Hammond about a noise he heard in the back while sleeping in the trunk of his Maserati 326. Clarkson suggested cooking him in the canteen as James May disturbed his sleep but the Producer (who didn't want to go to prison) decided to give him a job as a new presenter. This decision annoyed Clarkson and Hammond, and made a decided to humiliate James May all the time. With pay of £ 3.26 a week, James was able to afford the Bus fare back to his house in Austin-upon-Allegro, clean his tools and buy pictures of the Queen.

[edit] Professor James Log May

During the 11th season James applied a plus job as professor for top gear. He has to prepare stunt shows for the program and this of course requires the help of top gear stunts man. James took this job for only one devious reason... HE HATES TOP GEAR STUNT MAN!!! MWAAAAAHAHAHAHA!!

Ahem.... So he decided to get rid of stunt man, he has to kill him. So he copies stunts from films, calculate what can go wrong and do it plans stunts that will always turn into a faillure, giving him 83% chance of killing him. So far, stunt man had only 17% chance of dying due to the fact that James had been ambitious but rubbish. And also because stunt man never dies tomorrow.

[edit] Cars

He owns a lot of cars, most of them are very slow. He currently has:

A Citroen 2hairy which had fur
A Porsche Boxter sponsored by the manufacturers of Barbie with window malfunction as extra
A Fiat Uno very similar to one seen in a tunnel in France in 1997....
An Austin Princess with a square wheel
A Toyota Anus
A Fiat Bear(which eats him every time he presses a nob in it)
A Triumph Herald (SS Loser edition:sinks when put in water)
A Box cleverly painted as a convertible Ford Ka
A Wolsley which was crushed into a cube in 1956 that James uses as a giant Ashtray (surprisingly it is faster than most of his other cars)

He owns a Triumph 33-cylinder motorbike. It is very special as:

It has 33 cylinders, even biggest lorries don't have
the exhaust comes out through James' mouth as a belch(and annoys Jeremy on Sunday afternoons)

[edit] The future for James

James is getting tired of all the taunts from Hamster and Jeremy (Fortunately not from school mascots). He is back to school with Her Highness, ~~Mrs~~ Sir Jacky Stuart, a scottish ghost driver. He promised James he would knock him out in 20 seconds out of his lap time in each 1-day session. and he made good progress too because James' lap time is currenty -1min16 with the Koenixggseggesegeggsegabbaeggseggviking. He is also acquiring the skill of resurrecting dead Fiat Bears to add to his collection of ~~crappy~~ cars.

The future for him has also been described as bright as it is a well know fact slow moving animals such as the tortoise can live for a hundred plus years, "Based on his speed and heart rate he may out live me" said God when he was asked to comment.

[edit] Captain Slow Love

The Veyron after May jumped out. Notice how the rear is badly damaged

“I might want to tell hamster that I managed to go 407 KM/H in reverse, while he did not beat that minion plane he raced against”

~ James May on Hamster

Even he is really slow, he managed to move fast in some particular cases:

The Bugatti Veyron 16.1 Incident: Once upon a time James, Hamster and Jeremy were peacefully discussing about car when the conversation suddenly turned to James and his "slow" problem. The heat increased until Jeremy shouted "James, I challenge you to take a Bugatti and go around a track in reverse as fast as possible!" James accepted the challenge. Off he went to beat the record. And he did! He is the fastest person to go around a track in reverse at 407 KH/H! Only he was so scared he opened the door and jumped out at 140 KH/H.
The Fast Getout of car Run: During the test of his Princess, he had to apply only his parking brake on a very steep slope (90 degrees) (55 degrees)and get out. He was very worried that he would suffer the same fate as Voldermort's face, and get his stuck under his own car. He slowly stepped out and quickly ran out. The whole Top Gear crew said that the fastest they've ever seen him move.

[edit] The Jack Bauer theory

“There's no time!!!!”

~ Jack Bauer on James May

The top gear crew was given the task to test Jack Bauer's vehicles to make sure they were not tortured. Jack commented: When i see this guy move around, i remember the tortoise i was torturing (for pleasure information) moved faster than him. There's no time!!!

James' point of view: Man that guy is fast!! Its like he's moving a ~~fucking~~ 200 times faster than me. He even shoots 24 bullets from a pistol in half a second, he drives his Ford pickup like the GT40 supercar. Thats awesome.

[edit] Things that make him James May

He is even slower than Captain Oblivious after being run over by a lorry.
He has never owned a good/fast car.
He carries a brush to clean all switches in his car.
He cleans out the mechanisms in his motorikes with a tampon.
He aligns the quarter-lights in his older vehicles and gets really angry if someone moves them just an eighth of an inch.
He also gets angry if the dial on Jeremy's watch is not in line.
He said he loves the Ford S-Max despite being a bachelor.
He converted his Triumph Herald into a boat. (Named SS Loser)
He drove a Bugatti Veyron 16.1 in reverse at 407 KM/H (Beat that!)
He jumped out of the Veyron at 140 KM/H (Ditto!)
He does pre-drive checks before starting his engine.
He annoys his co-presenters with analogies of cheese.
He built his house out of Iron salvaged from the SS Great Eastern.
He believes that monkeys are more dangerous than lions.
He made a Mercedes-Benz into his country retreat.
He was voted "weird crush of the year" by heat magazine.
He doesn't trust the French. (But who really does?)
He likes to bomb France in his flying washing machine.
The hair. Absolute classic.
He Tried to cross the English Channel in his Triumph Herald SS Loser.
When exposed to spanners he names them, arranges them and does everything he can to stop them getting used and oily.
He once bought the worlds largest LDV Convoy, it covers just under a tenth of the Earth's surface
He built an Airfix kit of the KMS Bismark and sank it with an Air-Rifle, he filmed the event and showed the clip on German national television ending with a shot of the Union Jack and the words "We Won! Loser! Loser!"
He built a 96 ton Steam powered Vacuum Cleaner out of Meccano
He always hated the Action Man his mother bought him so he turned it into an Action King George VI, complete with Nazi-fighting fists, the Queen and a checked suit.
He has been voted the tenth sexiest female racing driver.