James Randi
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James Randi is the world's biggest attention whore, killjoy, and the evil twin of Santa Claus. He does not believe in God, true love, or the inherent cuteness of bunnies. His mission is to spoil everyone else's fun and make them sad. Despite this, he is not completely without redeeming qualities. He is the only person in the history of mankind to provide jock-itch, toe-jam, and smegma with something to look down upon.
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[edit] Negative Energy Field
Because he is the opposite of Santa Claus, he is active 364 days of the year, only resting on Xmas Day to recharge his negative energy field with a black light crystal he got when he sold his soul to the Devil.
Randi is such an unbelievably dishonest con-artist that even Satan didn't realise he was getting screwed over in the deal until later, and is currently getting carpal tunnel syndrome filling out documentation to sue for breach of contract.
James Randi, of course, had no soul to sell to begin with.
The Supreme Court said that despite being the Prince of Darkness, (and not Paris Hilton), Satan can expect no special treatment from the legal system, and have ruled that he's just going to have to get in line behind Uri Geller, (older brother of Buffy the Vampire Slayer), like anyone else.
Randi's body projects a special negative energy field (old fartus stinkinupin the jointum) for a radius of 800 yards, that saps psychic powers, de-calibrates dowsing rods, dries vaginas, peels chrome from steel, discolours auras and shag pile carpets, yet curiously moistens the anal orifices of JREF members (see below).
[edit] JREF
James Randi found that he'd been spreading himself a little thin over the years, because more people were having fun and getting life-saving psychic surgery. But because Quasimodo can get more pussy (on a bad-hair day) than Randi can dream about (on his best day), he was forced to contact Dolly the Sheep's creators. Thus was born the:
Jesus-hating
Res publica for the
Eradication of
Fun
A group of mindless baa-baa boys and girls, that he can rule with an iron fist from his orbiting Death Star.
Which of course is doomed to failure, because in 20 years people will still know about Santa, and Randi will not even be at footnote status (Historians to Randi: You're a DICK - your minions are stupid - and nobody will remember you).
[edit] Million Dollar Challenge
James Randi pretends he has a million dollars so that he can sucker people into taking the JREF Challenge, which is loosely based on the Commodore 64 game [Aztec Challenge] by Paul Norman.
In the final stage after having made their way past the deadly spear gauntlet, the plummeting pyramid bricks, the spring-loaded booby-trap spikes, avoiding the poison darts and venomous vermin, swimming the pool of piranhas, and running over the rickety rope bridge, (like the one from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom- except about 15 million times worse), the challenger must then play Randi in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe with one arm tied behind their back. Randi always gets to be X's, and always goes first. If there is a draw, then Randi wins. If the challenger wins then Randi gets to try again best out of three.
Although many people have actually won the challenge, Randi refuses to acknowledge the fact and wont pay them the money. This is definitely true as my uncle's friend says he won the challenge: he had a cold and got better after taking homeopathic medicine. This is characteristic of Randi's skeptical attitude in general, since he routinely denies proof of paranormal phenomena that is right under his nose.
This just gives everyone more reason to hate Randi more than they already do - if such a thing were possible, but it isn't.
[edit] Uri Geller
In 1972, famed psychic Uri Geller accused James Randi of forcibly spooning with him and sued him for $120,000. Randi denied the accusation. During the trial, Geller recounted, "He said on my lide...his bront on my fack. He said he was the 'Spig Boon' and I was his 'Spittle Loon'. Can you imagine nuddling caked with that fricko seak?" The judge, unable to comprehend Geller's testimony, dismissed the case. Randi said, "It's a shame. I would have paid [Geller] $50 for a lap dance." Geller said he plans to appeal but Randi remarked that he doesn't find Geller appealing anymore.
[edit] Media
James Randi has written the following books, released the following music albums and starred in the following movies:
[edit] Books
Children's Books
- James Randi and The Old Duke of Pork
- James Randi and The Old Man Who Is Smarmy
- James Randi and The Old Osprey
- James Randi and The Giant Quiche
Adult Books
- Fine and Randi (with Jeanna Fine)
[edit] Music Albums
- I'm Too Randi For My Love
- Do I Make You Randi, Baby?
[edit] Movies
- Macho Man: The Life of Randi the Savage
- Randi Gone Wild
- Randi Man
- Randi Man 2: Way of the Flesh
- Randi Man 3: Three Times A Randi
- Randi Man 4: The "Happiness" Patrol
