Japan

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新大日本不戦民主主義経済的大衆文化帝国
Shin Dai Nippon Fusen Minshushugi Keizaiteki Taishū Bunka Teikoku
New Pacifist Democratic Economic Popular Culture Empire of Japan|-


(Flag) The flag symbolizes the burning spirit of the Japanese people.	(Coat of Arms)

Motto: "Strictly Defensive Self-Defence"

Anthem: "First Love" by Utada Hikaru

Languages

Japanese, numerous dialects of (most prominent being the rival dialects of Tokyo and Osaka); Ainu, Okinawan, Engrish, Japangrish, Norwegian, Classical Chinese, Chipanese, Sanskrit, Britannian

Capital

Takeshi's Castle, in Tookeyo

Government

Zaibatsu/Feudal-anarchist/Mathematical Obligation-Based Democratic Hierarchical Autonomous Collective

Prime Minister

Pikachu

National Heroes

Hiro Nakamura, Douglas Macarthur, Jean Reno, Digimon, Morning Musume, Pokemon, Miyabi aka. Maria Ozawa, Bunko Kanazawa, Chiasa Aonuma, Kaede Matsushima, Sora Aoki, Ayumi Hamasaki, Utada Hikaru, Koda Kumi, Leah Dizon, Gwen Stefani, Aya Matsuura, Lelouch Lamperouge, Ayaka Kimura, Mika Teresa Todd, Tsunku, Masaharu Morimoto, Doraemon, Totoro, Engine Sentai Go-onger and their Engines, Naruto, Street Fighter, Reimon & Ultraman, Kamen Rider Kiva or Kamen Rider IXA, Rip Slyme, Ichiro Suzuki

Established

Way back when Susanoo-no-Mikoto defeated Yamata no Orochi, the first kaiju

Currency

Hentai

Religion

Democracy, Pacifism, Liberalism

“Go Pokeball!”

~ Levasty on A Japanese Pikachu

“Japan is practically crying out for white men to have its babies.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Japan

“Pika!”

~ Pikachu on the socioeconomic position of the Japanese Empire between the years 1914 and 1945

“Pika?”

~ Pikachu on where his hometown is in Japan

“The Vending Machine is out of panties again!”

~ Horny Jap on where he in need of some satisfaction

“I rearry rike rorrypops.”

~ a Japanese person on how much the Japanese like lollypops

“I once told a 12 year-old Japanese boy that if he tried to stick his fingers up my ass, I'd stick my fingers up his ass. In some cultures, this is paedophilic gay porn. Luckily for me, in Japan, this is only saying hello. I told this story to my friend Michael, and he said he was coming to visit me immediately. I hope I have a spare futon.”

~ gaijinsmash.net on Japanese etiquette

“Did you hear something?”

~ Captain Oblivious on visiting Japan in late 1945

“They're years ahead of us!”

~ Homer Simpson on Japan's technology

“Didn't we intern all these guys?”

~ Giusep nay on Free Japanese People

Japan (lit. land of wind and ghosts) is the nation that is on the other side of the world from the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. If you live in China, it is quite close. If you live in Japan, it is just outside the window. If you live in Japan and do not have a window, you can make a small one by poking your finger through the rice paper wall, or the newly invented cardboard wall released in 2007.

Japan is also a form of bread. The word for bread in Japanese is pan, hence the making of ja-pan. Yakitate Japan! is a thrilling animated series about making ja-pan. This delightful pastry treat is commonly found in convenience stores throughout the country, but is avoided by ethnocentric Westerners who are appalled by its unmentionable filling.

[edit] Peepooru (People)

Japan is an island country with a male population composed almost entirely of rape-ninjas (although it is rumored there are some sex-samurais left). It is ranked as the most lecherous country in the world, where most housewives or office ladies are daily raped by old men (retired former rape-ninjas). In general, Japan lacks many natural resources other than perverted old men. The average height in Japan is 2"4, but sometimes, in the case of the sumo wrestlers, this can reach the impressive height of 2"8. These "Giantos" as they are known in Japan, are revered as gods among the population, and are showered with gifts on special days. They were also the inspiration for Godzilla, a movie which became a smash hit in most countries outside of Japan. But the Japanese themselves found it extremely patronising, as they felt it portrayed their sumo wrestlers as savage beasts.

The Japanese are very welcoming towards tourists.

Rape-ninjas in Japan are bound by honour to ravish no less than 20 females a day. (Tip: Refrain from trying to stop groping on trains, as this is generally enjoyed equally by the ninja groper and the female gropee.) Market research shows that photo-taking and video-recording devices are intensely popular with Japanese men. It is a popular stereotype among people from other countries, that most Japanese are taciturn or soulless; some doctors say that this may be due to an "abnormal ardor of blood-flow to erogenous zones" that occurs specifically among Japanese people. Japan has one of the highest rates of priapism in the world. It is seen by rape-ninjas as a commonly occurring occupational hazard. Treatment for priapism in Japan is similar to the treatment for nicotine addiction. Doctors normally prescribe softcore pornography.

Japanese people when nobody's around.

The remaining population is equally divided between lolita schoolgirls, J-pop singers, ronin samurai, pokemon, kitsune, elvis impersonators, and Gundam pilots. All Japanese people are capable of going Super Saiyan (just Levels 1 and 2) and destroying everything in a 1 kan radius (68,000 km). Most kids aged 14-22 look nearly the same; the only thing separating them is school uniforms and out-of-this-world haircuts (e.g. ~5 kg of goopy wax and various toilet cleaning products). All girls have tremendously nice figures and pride themselves in nothing more than providing gratuitous pantyshots at all times of day regardless of the situation. All boys have the effect of chick magnets and usually have at least 4 girls fighting over him (although a boy often looks like a girl and acts like one as well). The most common hobby of all kids in Japan is to drive around in ~150 feet-tall mecha with ULTIMA-BUSTER CHO-MEGA PARTICLE CANNONS and fight whatever POP-UP-OUT-OF-NOWHERE-BADDIES-ALIENS-WTF-CRAP happens to be lurking around. To pacify the children of Japan, the US government demanded after WWII that they spend the greater portion of their waking life watching anime to quell their rage and enter a state of eternal bliss (see: Pikachu seizure). The Japanese are hardy folk, having developed special powers against the various monsters that plague the region. Unfortunately, because of the Wide Eye War of 2003, their powers have been slightly reduced, so they have had to rely on monsters found in the wild fields of Osakamon.

Here is a video of typical Japanese fighting each other using special powers: [1]

Many people have noticed that Japanese people will often talk to each other without making a sound, but then the sounds suddenly appear when they stop talking. Do not be afraid, this is perfectly normal and Japanese.

An average Japanese family.

For some reason, the Japanese always come up with new ways to do useless things. Since they are perfectionists, you will often find them trying to find and document the myriad ways of doing mundane tasks. The lost art of erebe-ta-do (エレベーター道), otherwise known as the art of pushing elevator buttons, is one such pursuit. The complex art and finesse of pushing elevator buttons takes many years to master. A 10th Dan elevator black-belt can push the buttons in such a way that can make the elevator do more than it was intended to, such as produce lemon and grape snowcones during summer.

Another art in common use today is the Japanese business management art of kakunin-do (確認道、あるいは過労死), or the art of checking things. Due to Japan's economic success, kakunin-do was studied by the management of many Western companies and implemented for a while until Western managers started dying from the utter monotony. Once people started dying the practice was dropped, proving that Westerners tragically lack proper work ethics but at least have souls.

A typical artisan of kakunin-do studies the five eternal principles of the way of kakunin. These are: Over-checking, Distrust, Dodging responsibility, Indecisiveness, and Postponement. A true master of kakunin-do will politely inundate his subordinates with requests for checking, and other seemingly benign comments, until nothing ever gets done. This results in the celeryman underlings having to work long hours of unpaid overtime with no progress on the business project ever being made. Most celerymen do not survive, and instead turn into undead zombies capable of no more than obeying an instinctive lust for seijin manga. Japanese businesses openly acknowledge that they profit from robot and zombie labor.

[edit] Puropaa Guritingu (Proper Greeting)

The Japanese are proud people who are easily insulted and are dishonored by shameful events. Therefore, proper steps must be taken to greet a Japanese citizen/leader/pervert. A quick bow of the head and a "Konichiwa, Baka-San!" (Good afternoon idiot!) is compulsory.

The proper way to say goodbye is a heartfelt "Hanakuso tsuiteru yo!"
"You are welcome!" is said, "Shinde kudasai!"
For more useful tips, please see this.

The Japanese have quite a lot of different letters with different meanings. Here is an example on a few Japanese characters:
確 - true/drone/bird
道 - road/pirate/dish
死 - die/horrible/shit

[edit] Jiogerafi (Geography)

Scenery of Kyoto

An island nation, Japan is isolated from its neighbors - Russia, Korea, Hyrule and Mainland China by the Sea of Japan (also called the Korean Sea by rabid South Korean jingoists, like the 2002 Warcraft 3 champion Kim Jong-il, who persistently derides the console-loving Japanese who "will never understand the true beauty of even Starcraft"). This has caused Japan to form its own unique language, culture, and customs, but only after China became too large to raid every time the ninja were in a bad mood. However, these customs are viewed with disgust and suspicion by its neighbors, as they are freakish and incomprehensible, inspiring both furious masturbation and unspeakable nightmares.

The physical geography of Japan is characterized by upheavals and depressions. Because so much of the land mass is mountainous, 94% of the population is forced to live on mountaintops so that the limited amount of flat land can be used for cultivating indigenous monsters. Being squeezed onto mountaintops has forced the Japanese people to develop a space-saving complex, probably the main reason for smaller penises.

A typical sunset over Nagasaki.

Lying on a fault line located on the shell of a huge deceased prehistoric turtle, Japan is vulnerable to natural disasters, including earthquakes, volcanoes, tsunamis, tornadoes, avalanches and stock market crashes. The current capital city, Takeshi's Castle, has been destroyed and rebuilt by giant robots no less than 3 times. In addition, because Japan is a nation of reprobates, they are subject to a litany of non-geological disasters, such as Crustacean Based Monster Attacks, meteorites, and terrible evening dramas. God also blighted the Japanese populace with reduced height and breast size, as per the Pope's request. Said incident arose when former Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi mistakenly ejaculated all over a statue of the Virgin Mary (see: Sticky Mary Incident) - bukkake is a standard practice in Shinto rites.

The Japanese populace and government are very focused on preserving their natural resources and environment. The effort to reuse and resell panties, in particular, is admirable and is estimated to cut usage of textiles by nearly 45% the G7 nation average (normalized). The prime importance of this initiative is evident from samplings of Japanese media and culture. The Japanese also make use of renewable energy sources such as whale oil, whereas the West uses fossil fuels which take thousands of years to regenerate, and require the invasion of Middle Eastern countries to obtain. Westerners have, in the past, hunted the tastiest species of whales, only to send them to Mars. Many Japanese energy scientists regard this as an absurd waste of natural resources, calling Westerners "baka gaijin" in newspaper interviews.

[edit] Fuudo (Food)

The Japanese diet consists mainly of bio-luminescent squid, lice (pronounced "rice" but acually lice), Green Tea Kit-Kats, and beer (pronounced "beeru" 小便). The morning meal is normally rice, followed by more rice with a side of rice. Lunch (pronounced "runchi"　ゲロ) is typically ramen (pronounced "cuppanudoru") or rice sandwiches with a side of pickled mice babies. Dinner (pronounced "supah-nite-eat-taimu" 肛門) could be anything from sake, to jakku danierusu, to omelets. Omelets are strictly for dinner in Japan, because Fed-Ex deliveries from American breakfast exporters do not arrive until 6PM. When the main portion of dinner does not satiate the appetite one will fill up on whale. When there is no whale left, the custom is to go to the sea to spear some more whale.

The Japanese have taken to Western food in an odd way, modifying even the simplest of dishes to be compatible with their unique Japanese physiology (raw, noxious, salty, and "small") and creating Frankenstein creations that are fed to TV personalities at night to orgasmic moans of "Oishii!" ("It feels like 16 prawns shat in my mouth and are mud wrestling in it!"). As a result of the diet, Japanese people tend to have a curious body odour. (Deodorant is banned in Japan, as it is considered a form of non-conformity.) Introduced in late 1940s, ice cream (pronounced "sofuto kureemu"　下痢 - the word "aisu" [ice　覚せい剤] was banned in Japan's Edo Era, as it sounds like the verb for "love", and using phrases of affection in public is deemed disgraceful) became an instant hit with all generations of Japanese and by the early '50s frozen unagi (pronounced "eel"　蛇) popsicles became a mainstay of the delicatessen market. However, in recent years its popularity has been eclipsed by whale ice cream. Japanese dessert is called "bukkake" (ぶっかけ). This dessert is made out of liquified milk that is embedded inside a banana. The customary way to eat a bukkake is to rub the banana steadily and vigorously to increase its internal temperature. The milk will ooze out of the banana and squirt directly into a person's mouth.

Japanese seafood prices work on an inverted price principle whereby the more foul, disgusting, slimy, or poisonous it is — the more it costs. Savvy Japanese fishermen and their agents are constantly on the lookout all over the world for newly discovered marine monstrosities to rush into Tokyo fish markets. Mega-rich Japanese consumers regularly flock to fugu (poisonous seakitten 海猫) restaurants where, after paying exorbitant amounts of yen, they consume less-toxic portions of the seakitten which probably will not kill — unless the chef has a hangover, just broke up with his girlfriend, or is pissed off at the world that day. Fugu is part of the extreme eating movement and is one of many options available to the suicidal Japanese businessman/student. Many experts believe that eating such fare allows the Japanese to avoid farting and gives them an edge in competitive eating contests (see Kobayashi). However, it is not yet apparent whether eating such vile forms of "food" is performance-enhancing, or merely exceedingly foolish (see: lactose intolerance).

Historians consider Japanese cuisine an essential part of Japan's warlike past in that samurai warriors, coming home from a hard day of disemboweling peasants and giving themselves silly haircuts with a katana, would take a good look at the so-called "food" on the table and immediately go to war against the nearest enemy lord in the hope that they might have something better to eat. These raiding parties would lead them to Korea, until the development there of Kimchi — an area denial weapon.

Rather than eating their meals with a knife and fork, Japanese typically use blackboard chalk (lit. "chopped sticks") to manipulate their food until it is evenly spread across the plate, after which it is poured into the mouth. The traditional Japanese tea ceremony (Guzzo Dat Shitto Niggazu) consists of two people taking turns refusing to drink a cup of hot water until it has evaporated. Such traditions give rise to the slender Japanese physique, as evidenced by the ubiquitousness of the Japanese celeryman. The Japanese obsession with pachyderm laxatives has had a serious effect on their stature and growth rate. Those individuals unfortunate enough to become overweight are forced to fight each other on national television wearing only diapers.

In Japan it is polite to say "it's a ducky mess" when served a meal. After eating it is customary to wish everyone in the restaurant, in a loud voice, "goat cheezu on slimy desuketopu".

[edit] @#$^ Fudu (Forbidden Food)

Actual advertisement for whale burgers.

Whale penis: Largely due to lobbying by righteous foreigners ("gaijin" 痴漢), the Japanese government imposed a partial ban on the sale of whale penises. Whale penis is reserved for seriously ill medical patients who need the treatment desperately. People caught buying/selling "weiyo kokku" at fish markets are normally given a warning by Greenpeace "whitehat" squads (正義の味方). Upon refusal to abandon the offending meat it is confiscated, screened, and sent to fast food restaurants to be made into "fried whale penis". Some Japanese public schools do offer fried whale penis on the lunch menu, using whale penises discarded by hospitals. Since the meat is less fresh, the taste is considered inferior to that of whale penises sold in fast food restaurants.

Eeewwwww who would want to eat a penis! - God on eating whale penis

Dolphin: Though protected by international treaty, Greenpeace, Hayden Panettiere, and animal lovers worldwide, somehow this salty and smelly sea creature finds its way onto dinner tables - usually in the form of black market whale meat. Ironically, such counterfeit whale meat is often fraudulently labeled "dolphin-safe".

Metroids: The inspiration for the smash-hit videogame Metroid, these lovable woodland creatures are known to frolic on the upper slopes of Mt. Fuji. Although metroid-hunting is condemned by international law, many still find their way onto the Japanese dinner table, as a key ingredient of nigiri and in ometoroido-yaki stew. Metroid membrane is lauded for its restorative effects, and powdered metroid brainstem is rumored to increase sexual potency to such a degree that it becomes possible to procreate without a partner (see: "They All Look Alike" Budding Theory). Prices on the open market remain high as a result of the ban on private metroid-hunting and the difficulty of the hunt itself - while many find that cracking the protective outer shell and shooting the metroid's cerebral cortex with particle guns is trivial, strict gun control makes such equipment difficult to obtain.

[edit] (´ﾟДﾟ｀)凸 (Fauna Spotlight: Monsters)

The Japanese landscape is littered with various super-colossal monsters that are the result of natural springs that produce potent nuclear waste. Godzilla is the most famous of these creatures, capable of reaching heights up to 500 feet tall. However, despite its reputed gentle nature, it has been known to devour tourists that try to feed it.

Other monsters include Mozilla, Gamera, Sailor Mercury, and Mothra, and a wide assortment of other rubbery mutants. As stated above, Japan has been able to make use of these creatures with the exception of Mothra, which has been named an endangered species. Giant monsters are easily recognizable — not only are they huge, but from a distance they appear to be a trick of the eye, much like an old blue-screen effect.

Among the Japanese schoolchildren, tentacle monsters (ブッシュ大統領) are the most popular. These cuddly, tiny mouse-like creatures are often captured and kept as pets or tapped for their electrical prowess.

[edit] Monster Battles

Godzilla also attends Japanese church before battles.

Many areas in the Archipelego seem to have their own "home monster".

Examples:

Honshuu: Godzilla
- Nagano: Orga
- Akihabara: MechaGodzilla
Hokkaido: Yamata No Orochi
Okinawa: King Ceaser Shisa
Kyushu: Gamera
Shikoku: Giant space crabs
Galveston: Yajuu, the japanese reincarnation of TangelaKitchenTimer with only one head.
Shibuya: DesSpidahKikumo, the evil queen of ganguro bikers, along with her greatest rival, Elven Kogal-Flowery Enelda.
Fresno: Hedorah
Nerima: Sesshoumaru, Dog-Deity of loli and furries.
New Mexico: Mengsel
Shinjuku: Tokyo Metropolitan Government Building, headquarters of the Super Tokyo Metropolian Bureaucrat Rangers, which transforms into the Super Kaizer Tokyo Metropolitan Government Robot whenever city is under threat.
Yokohama: Satan Goss

These monsters regularly meet for territorial bouts, fenced in by large "War-Halls" to protect the surrounding property and precious schoolgirls, camera drones, and announcers. Often the color commentary is done in traditional Japanese song, with the monster's name being the only lyric. The most famous song, written by Junichiro Koizumi, reads as follows:

Gozeerah! Go-o-o-o-zeerah!
(repeat)

Usually, at least one bout takes place per week, and a small portion of the revenue is used for a variety of noble causes. The majority of the funds, however, are funneled off to special interests like the Pregnant Schoolgirl Fund, the Sentai Commission, and many positively evil organizations (see: NERV).

There also exists a junior league, mostly consisting of the children of the major-league monsters (Son of Mothra, etc). Each Spring and Summer, they compete in a national tournament called the Koshien. The winner is allowed to travel to America to compete for the world crown against monsters such as Godzilla 2000, xenomorphs, Sigourney Weaver in a huge robot, the Moth-Things that acted in a movie with Mira Sorvino, and the giant subterranean worms that acted in Tremor.

[edit] Government

Cloud over the Japanese archipelago

The Japanese government consists of 5 members in a governing senate. They are dressed in traditional attire, consisting of tights in various colors and a modern helmet with a plastic or metal plate of some sort that covers the face. The record of their history is known as sentai. One of them is designated their leader, and usually clad in red, but this can vary according to rules of succession. In times of crisis and martial law, they take part in defending the country. Only the most elite warriors may be assigned this task. They pilot one large robot each, capable of fusing with others to form Megazord (previously Voltron). The leader's robot is usually more powerful, or larger, but that fact usually does not play a role in battle. Plans are underway to reduce the governing body to 3 members and rename the robot GekiToja - proposed slogan: "Shine on! Mighty Municipal Guardian 5!"

This governing system has influenced those of other countries (ex. France Five in France, Power Rangers in U.S.A.).

For the day-to-day fighting of evil, Japan has a police force consisting primarily of an extensive magical girl program.

The legislative branch of the Japanese government is known as the Diet because of its role in selecting foods; these foods are then used to settle civil disputes through elaborate "kitchen battles" (see Iron Chef).

There are also contemporary theories which posit that evil whaling-videogame conglomerate Kona-Mi, oft-criticized for its ruthless draining of the planet's resources and for its overall evil nature, secretly controls all of Japan. See Kona-Mi for more details.

“Citizens, unite! Come to the light - Makkō-Kujira (sperm whale) energy. Power is truth. Kona-Mi is the future. Real happiness can be found in obedience to the company.”

~ Recent statement on NOK TV

“People, please ignore the last sentence. Kona-Mi, Inc. does not own Japan, and does not spy on you when you are sitting on your toilet. Please go back to your normal lives. - Love, CEO of Kona-Mi, Inc.”

~ Addendum to TV statement

[edit] Nashonaru Furagu

The Japanese flag holds the Guinness World Record for World's Second Most Burned Flag.

"I BITING JAPAN!"
"NO, I BITING JAPAN!"
"YATTA! WE BITING TOGETHER!"

The flag of Japan is called the Hinomaru (ナプキン, Old Sanitary) and represents what an anus might come to resemble if a guy walks alone in Harlem at night. The disc in the middle used to be white but that was changed when a Romanian inflatable raft invaded the country thinking that Japan was surrendering. Some scholars believe the flag represents an obscure candy.

[edit] Raw Enforsumentu & Miritari

“Japan ate my dog.”

~ Hero-he-d'oh on Japan in World War II

The Japanese military is called the Japan Self-Defense Forces (JSDF). In the event of war, the JSDF's pledge specifies that they will not attack first. The JSDF maintains a high level of combat-readiness by defending Japanese cities against kaiju attacks - mostly by giant crabs which inhabit the many meteorites that fall on Japan per year. Japanese forces are trained to attack the giant crabs' weak points for massive damage. The JSDF currently consists of giant robots, magical girls, supreme martial arts champions, vampires, vampire hunters, cute bioengineered/cryptid animals, and space-faring bounty hunters.

Traditional weapons platforms were phased out in the 1950s due to their inadequacy in dealing with building-sized robots, demons, and mutants that threaten Japanese cities, especially Tokyo. Instead, the JSDF employs anthropomorphic giant robots, complete with human-looking faces capable of facial expressions. Bipedalism allows the robots to traverse the rugged mountain terrain in Japan - an ability of questionable usefulness in flat urban environments. The robots are piloted by teens, specifically those in the midst of puberty.

Japan does not have a standing giant robot battalion at the moment. The robots are used as ordinary vehicles until war or a state of emergency is declared. The vehicles will then transform into robots or merge to form gigantic robots. This function is standard on all Japanese cars, superbikes, aircraft, watercraft, and some buildings.

Those without the requisite amount of mental entropy to pilot giant robots are given support roles as magical girls. Boys accepted into this program are given sexual reassignment surgery and rebranded as futanari. Magical girls wear sailor uniforms as a homage to the legacy of the navy. They are imbued with special powers that include brief nudity while transforming into a more powerful being. Easily demoralized due to their age and the fear of looking fat, they are supported by an adorable but fear-inspiring animal companion.

Characterized by their marketability and horrifying cuteness, these small animals form the moral backbone of the JSDF. They take part in all levels of combat and support, including propaganda and diplomacy. e.g. Hello Kitty is the Japanese ambassador to China. But quite a few high-ranking animals have been accused of misconduct in recent years, most notably Mashimaro for alcoholism.

Vampires have the highest potential combat-effectiveness of all units, due to superhuman intelligence, speed, and strength; they are also invulnerable to conventional weaponry and can manipulate enemies' thoughts. Their mortal enemies are vampire hunters, who are often half-vampire also. The JSDF solves this problem by telling vampire hunters that they are actually vampires.

The anti-smoking ninjas are one of the prominent militant groups in Japan. While not allowed to kill by the code of Bushido (オーム真理教), they are authorised to accost smokers and issue smoking tickets. The default penalty for smoking in an anti-smoking ninja zone is removal of a finger, but the penalty can be commuted to a full day of unpaid labour as a hosuto.

The JSDF reportedly tried to develop a J-Pop-powered orbital directed-sound weapon, designed to play annoying songs at enemies until they surrender. The idea failed because scientists realized that people would rather kill themselves.

Lately, war broke out between Japan and the Antarctic Alliance. Japan claimed a scientific right to kill a quota of X,XXX whales in Antarctic waters. The Emperor of the penguins refused Japan's demand because killing whales in the Antarctic would lead to the collapse of the region's whale bukkake porn industry. The Japanese nuked a penguin city and let PETA loose in Antartica, wiping out many land birds, dromaeosauridae, and EBEs. The penguins responded by invading Japan, which allied itself with Greenland and Iceland. The Greenlanders scoffed, saying, "We don't even have a fucking army, how are you going to defeat us?" Then they learned penguins eat people, to which Greenland's queen said, "That is just stupid." Both Greenland and Iceland immediately surrendered. The penguins promised not to bother invading Greenland or Iceland.

At the Battle of Osaka Bay, the penguins along with their Hungarian, Bolivian and Kryptonian allies claimed victory by dressing up as Pokemon, which had a zombifying effect on the Japanese troops, following which they blew the little suckers to bits and ate them. Shocking, but not as titillating, was the Pentagon's recently announced procurement of ~13,000,000 gallons of white paint and ~2,500,000 snow uniforms.

Hello Kitty AR-15, Japanese army standard issue.

Hello Kitty Armoured Fighting Vehicles and Japanese soldiers.

[edit] Miritari Rekkodu

In short: Stinkin' awesome.

Feudal Japan Before the Japanese knew of anyone else, the only people they had to fight was themselves. This was demonstrated in the wars between the Taira and the Minamoto. The Japanese could not really win these wars, since they were on both sides. Luckily for them, some enemies would soon appear.

First Mongol Invasion of Japan Won. But not because of their 100% super-awesome mega-battle skills. You see, a Mongol army of about 5 million soldiers (give or take a few millions) comes to Japan and invades it. Best Japanese troops are Samurai, but the Mongols just kill them as they try to set up for the perfect strike. The Japanese had lots of pikemen with impenetrable armour, but a pointy straw hat for head protection. Not so smart. Anyway, the Mongols see a Typhoon coming. So for some retarded reason, they order all their troops back onto the ships. The ships sink and all the Mongols die.

Second Mongol Invasion of Japan Won, but only because of their best friends in the whole wide world: the Chinese. It started when the Mongols sent a diplomat to Japan. All that came back to Mongolia was a severed head; the Japanese had made the rest of him into Sushi. The Japanese are expecting an invasion, so they build a massive wall about three times as tall as the average Japanese person (in other words, 10 feet) along the coast.

Anyway, the Chinese are forced to build ships for their Mongol overlords. Since the Chinese hate the Mongols even more than they hate the Japs (yes, it's hard to believe) they build shitty ships on purpose. So, half the Mongol fleet sinks in the sea of Japan. Any Mongols that arrived in Japan battle a bit, then go home and get sunk by a typhoon. Suckers.

Russo-Japanese War Won. By a long shot. The Russians think they're so cool, with one of the largest empires on Earth. Then, the Japanese begin to piss them off a bit. And with their awful temper, they intend to destroy those tempura-eating bastards.

The Russians send their entire army over to East Asia to fight the Japanese. Only problem is, they can't get across the sea of Japan, since most can't swim. So, they send their entire navy to Japan. Since it took 9 months, the Japanese had plenty of time to prepare. The Russian fleet was completely destroyed. The Japanese then invade Russian territory, and mow down the helpless Russian soldiers while they're all drunk.

World War I Yes, the Japanese participated in World War I. And they won. But all they really did was take over every German colony in Asia and the Pacific. That's not too hard, is it?

World War II HA HA! THEY FINALLY LOST! Japan bombed Pearl Harbour, trying to destroy the American Pacific fleet... but they just pissed the Americans off so much, that they got a major war against them! The Japanese, however, were very hard to beat. So, after about 4 years, the Americans simply got sick of fighting and took the easy way out: they nuked Hiroshima, killing thousands of Japanese civilians. But did Japan quit? No! The Americans had to nuke Nagasaki as well, killing even more civilians before the emperor would finally surrender!

However, Historians now agree that the battle was not evenly matched. Many say that America really pussied out. They could have taken the other option - invade Japan, killing about 50 million people in the process. The Koreans would have done it, you weaklings.

Other wars There have been no other wars involving Japan since WWII, unless you consider the Console Wars a war. If this is the case, you could be a Zelda addict.

[edit] Fanboys

World's richest man held for ransom by crazed hairdresser armed with an epilator. - Japan edition of Time, 4 Feb 2007.

Japan, according to the CIA World Factbook, draws more fanboys than any other nation. Citizens of other nations, in large numbers, are known to wish they were Japanese. This leads to 'odd' behaviour, such as taking part in cosplay [1]; watching hentai [2] documentaries; or taking distance learning degrees from the University of Hikikomori.

[1] Cosplay is an elaborate game whereby one dresses up as a character from Japanese anime and mimicks the behaviour of a completely different character.

[2] Documentary where the lens slowly pans over scenery while the narrator discusses his personal life instead of the scenery. Hence "hentai" - "talk cock".

[edit] History

The history of Japan includes samurai, ninja, Mt. Fuji, and geisha. Through paintings, written records, and other archaeological artifacts, historians have been able to piece together what Japanese life may have been like. Amazingly, it consisted of dinosaur rearing, tentacle agriculture and ancient astronauts. Confusionism from China was introduced to Japan via Korea late in the 3rd century AD.

Japan endured a brief period of foreign rule during the 17th century when the shogunate was toppled by squirrels.

Japan is famous for complex social etiquette, originating from when Emperor Sudoku introduced the Chinese nine-rank system and forbade courtiers from standing in the same row, column, or box as any other courtiers of the same rank. This made nocturnal sexual liaisons difficult (unless one had a Genji Glove) as everyone had to move in a concerted fashion, much as in a sliding number puzzle. Mikado of Gilbert and Sullivan employed ridiculous rhymes against which Japanese poets were defenceless.

Japan has been, until recently, a largely agricultural economy; staple crops include rice, wheat, barley and miso. Most of these can be bought from vending machines.

Segata Sanshiro hated the Portuguese because they didn't play the Sega Saturn.

Portuguese Christian missionaries came to Japan in the 17th century. The Japanese were offended by Portuguese, which they regarded as a poor substitute for Spanish, and sent Hello Kitty and Segata Sanshiro to eject the Portuguese from Japan.

Japan began a period of isolationism until US Navy commodore Matthew C. Perry arrived aboard the famous Black Ships. Japan: "No Perry, I don't think I'm ready. There's no rush is there? I mean we both love each other isn't that enough for the moment?". Perry was drunk and the only thing on his mind was opening up those beautiful long slender Japanese trade routes. He replied, "Oh, that's OK. I just thought, if you really loved me, you would do this for me." Japan blushed and looked away, leaving the truth unspoken between them. Perry left, intent on returning next year to "just stick it in" and not deal with "all this emotional bullshit".

Portrait of Matthew C. Perry

Perry returned on 15 Feb 1854, badly drunk, and he shoved a long hard black ship into Japan and they had a good time before he came on her face in the 1854 Convention of Kanagawa.

Japan, like other nations, has entered into a number of conflicts in the past, most recently World War II. In the 1930s, Japan attempted to establish the Greater East Asia Co-Prosperity Sphere and turn Southeast Asia into an amusement park that would imitate Hell featuring natives in the role of the damned. The empire of Japan entered into a flurry of mad conquests, Their main form of attack consisting of wearing huge goggles and pulling orgasmic faces whilst flying tampon-shaped planes over large stretches of land and sea in an effort to piss off absolutely everyone into submission. The Imperial Japanese Army defeated colonial military forces in Southeast Asia with heavy casualties on both sides. IJA conscripts were all gays to save the trouble of "comfort women". Japanese soldiers found themselves irresistibly attracted to native men. Indescribable things took place. When news reached the USA, the puritans decided to put an end to this.

Japanese forces in the Pacific were wiped out by an all-star cast including Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett. In 1945, the USA bombed Hirosammich and Niggasaki using atom bombs. The Japanese became peace-loving businessmen making affordable automobiles and consumer electronics.

China and Korea continued to demand a formal apology - during WWII, six-legged vaginas with tentacles were created by Japan and given as gifts overseas. Tragically, they went berserk and raped at least 200,000 people to death.

WWII is given a somber and objective treatment in Japanese history textbooks. For an example of this, see World War II.

[edit] Ranguiju

The Japanese have practised the art of Bonsai Dogs for centuries.

The Japanese language is essentially Engrish pronounced incorrectly. To help disguise this fact, the Emperor ordered the Japanese to stop writing entirely in romaji (Roman letters) and switch to writing most words using Chinese characters. The occasional use of romaji in the language today hints at the Engrish origins of Japanese.

Japan is a queer written language made up of Kanji, Hiragana and Katana. While Hiragana is the phonetic equivalent of the Engrish alphabet, it is rarely used in conventional writing. Instead, Japanesians carve stylized Hiragana in the flesh of sworn enemies during periodic honor duels. This angular writing style known as Katana stems from the limitations of Japan's most-used writing implement, the razor-sharp hattori pwnzor. Similarly, Kanji (simplified Chinese ideograms) is used very often in written Japanese - most words in Japanese are derived from Chinese roots. Japanese can be considered a combination of Chinese and Engrish, with a confused grammar in the likeness of Korean.

[edit] Common and/or Useful Japanese Phrases

“The art of hitting on chicks in Japan is called "nampa" in Japanese. The concept of copping an unwanted feel on a woman is called "chikan". The idea of an older salaryman dating a young girl (often high school, sometimes junior high!) for sex in exchange for money and gifts is called "enjo kosai". I tried looking up "ladies first" in my Japanese dictionary, but it gave me back "ladies first" in English.”

~ gaijinsmash.net on useful Japanese words and phrases

Hello. Dear mother Junichiro Koizumi and father Hirohito say:
"Study quickly and make wonderful of Dai-Nippon known to gaijin!"

Here are some of the more commonly used Japanese phrases.

Hello コニチワ konichiwa
Goodbye サヨナラ sayonara
Yes そうですね! Sōdesune!
No そうですね... Sōdesune...
I'm sorry すいません Suimasen
Thank you すいません Suimasen
10,000 years for the Emperor Hirohito! 裕仁天皇万歳！ Hirohito Ten'no banzai!
Harakiri 切腹 Seppuku
Kamikaze 特攻隊 Tokkou tai
Bush アホの大統領 Aho no Daitōryō
Idiot President ブッシュ Bush
Thank you very much, Mr. Robot. ドーモアリガトー、ミスターロボト Dōmo arigatō, Misutā Roboto.
The "screw you" was implied. 「ファッキュー」という意味で解釈してほしかったけど。 Fakkyū toiu imi de kaishaku shite hoshikatta kedo.
The toilet recommended America Town! トイレはアメリカタウンを勧めてくれたんじゃ！ Toire wa Amerika Taun o susumete kuretan ja!
George Bush sucks!!! ジョージブッシュっサクラ！！！ Jōji Busshu sakura!!!
My hovercraft is full of eels. 私のホバークラフトは鰻が一杯です。 Watashi no hobākurafuto wa unagi ga ippai desu.
Yellow matter custard dripping from a dead dog's eye 死んだ犬の目から滴っている黄色い物質カスタード Shinda inu no me kara shitatatteiru kiiroi busshitsu kasutādo
Back that ass up. そのなんともいえないセクシーなお尻を俺の股間に押しつけてリズムに合わせて擦りなさい。 Sono nantomo ienai sekushii na oshiri wo ore no kokan ni oshitsukete rizumu ni awasete kosurinasai.
I wash myself with a rag on a stick. 俺は棒に結び付けたボロで自分を洗うぞ。 Ore wa bō ni manabitsuketa boro de jibun o arau zo.
All your base are belong to us. 君達の基地は、全てＣＡＴＳがいただいた。 Kimi-tachi no kichi wa, subete CATS ga itadaita.
We are all fuzzy robots. 私達は皆毛羽立ったロボットである。 Watashi-tachi wa minna kebadatta robotto de aru.
I hate myself and I want to die. 鬱だ、死のう＿|￣|○ Utsuda, shinou ＿|￣|○
I will decide appropriately when to visit [Yasukuni Shrine]. （靖国神社に）いつ行くかは適切に判断する。
[Yasukuni Jinja ni] itsu ikuka wa tekisetsu ni handan suru.
Privatization of the postal service ザーメンがば飲み Zaamen gabanomi
The earthquake resistance figure forgery issue 耐震強度偽装問題 Taishin kyōdo gisō mondai
Do you have any hentai? エロ本持ってへん？ ero-hon mottehen?
Takeshima is Japanese territory! 竹島は日本の領土だ！ Takeshima wa Nippon no ryōdo da!
I'm going to the hospital. 私は病院へ行きます Watashiwa byoin e ikimasu.
Silhouette シルエット Shiruetto
Brutes from England and America 鬼畜米英 Kichiku Beiei
Serious, mystical and dubious 神妙不可思議にして胡散臭い Shinmyo fukashigi ni shite usankusai
Ahttttt! アッー! Axtu-
Friend 強敵 Tomo

[edit] Fun Facts

Fun Fact: The Japanese phrase for "thank you" is "three nine" (san kyuu 三九)
Other Fun Fact: The Japanese phrase for "you're welcome" is "don't touch the moustache" (do itashimashite 口髭を触るな、タコスケベ)
Yet another Fun Fact: The Japanese phrase for "Ssangyong", a Korean SUV, is "three four" (San yong 三四) (say it fast and you'll think you hear the g in the middle). This number is also equivalent to how many yen some Japanese think it's worth. In Thai "Sa Yong" means "Scary".
Other Fun Fact: The Japanese phrase for "excuse me" is "sumimasen". In Thai "su mee ma sen" means "buy a string of noodle".
Additional Fact that is Fun: The Japanese name for April is, translated, Fourth Month. Ironically, the word for "four" is also the word for "death," making April - a month widely considered to be the first month of Spring, which is also widely considered the season of life - the month of death.
Final Fun Fact: The Japanese phrase for "I'm okay" is daijoubu. Taking the characters separately as "dai-jou-bu" it can translate to "big-length-husband".
Actual Final Fun Fact: Adding the sound "bay" to the end of any word means "fart." (Totally true.) "Tokyo-bay" means "Tokyo fart". "Sushi-bay" means "raw fish fart". (Tasty.)

**Note** Almost any question asked of you in Japanese, and certainly those mentioned above, can be answered satisfactorily with the following words: Ah, so desu ne. However, this MUST be said with a look of absolute contemplation upon one's face. To not do so is a GREAT offence and may even be punishable by death (please refer to the section entitled "Proper Greeting").

[edit] Modern Japan

Japan invented the wagon early in its history. But since ninjas preferred to run or fly, the wheel was quickly forgotten until gaijin brought rubber tires to Japan in the 19th century.

The 13th century is famous for the Human Bullet Train ^[1] and the jet-powered bottleship ^[2]

The history of modern Japan dates from the invention of the flush toilet. The inventor, Chisai Surippa-san, was awarded the Deming Prize and is a folk hero in Japan. He is the patron saint of electronic products and large feet.

To this day it is nearly impossible for people in Japan to own a real pet. Most dogs, cats and other small creatures are no match for packs of feral ninja that lurk in wait of something. Reports have been made of robodogs being killed by ninja in Yomomma district.

Japanese R&D focuses on the high-tech multi-function sitting toilet. Nobody except the Swiss have any idea why they enjoy making toilets like Swiss-army knives, but they do. Japanese toilets are so versatile that new apartment units now consist of only a lavatory. Most coffin hotels replaced older coffins with the toilet cube – a high-tech toilet inside a cube of vitreous china. It has ~1/3 the footprint of coffins. It replaced cubicle farms in Japanese office buildings.

On a related matter, there are rumours of demon toilets that take over people's minds.

The final evolution of the basic toilet design is popular in Japan.

People can do all their work on the toilet thanks to new technology.

[edit] Culture

Sequel to bible instituted by the Japanese government, the "HATE KOREA WAVE". All Japanese children are taught to hate China and Korea and that Nanjing massacre and holocaust are fictional stories invented by Steven Spielberg.

Japan has a fully modern infrastructure but many cultural traditions remain as a crunchy layer under the creamy Western frosting.

Kyoto is the cultural capital of Japan. Previous ones were overrun by deer, most notably Heijo-kyo (modern-day Nara).

The abundance of deer is due to the Shinto teaching that all things in Nature contain a spirit, or "anima", and cannot be killed, except cetaceans, foreigners, and fugu.

Osaka is an ancient underwater city and the birthplace of Ikebana, the Japanese art of flower arrangement. Ikebana can cure insomnia.

The National Diet of Japan is based on European parliaments with some Japanese quirks. Under the constitution at least one session of the Diet must be convened each year. The Emperor opens every session of the Diet by reciting a poem outlining the government's plans for the upcoming year. Traditionally, at the closing of the session, delegates have tea and makkoukujira while the Emperor has tea and shironagasukujira.

A common misconception is that haiku poetry originated in Japan. Buddhist monks brought haiku to Japan from China, together with dodoitsu, nokkunokku joku, kuikomi, shichueshonkomedei, pinpondasshu, and waki no shitano he.

Japan has a high percentage of mountainous terrain, much of which is covered by forests and woodland inhabited by a diverse variety of fauna, divided into three categories: kaibutsu, kaiju and poketto monsuta. Some are featured in videogames while others are a part of everyday life.

[edit] Japanese TV

The typical Japanese television show features people eating. People are eating and people are eating, and sometimes people are eating. These are interspersed with the occasional brain-spasm inspired game show, which are much more interesting than watching people eat, so let's see a clip from one of those.

[edit] Voyeurism

The usual positioning of a hidden camera within a toilet bowl

The favorite Japanese pastime is to watch others without being seen. Often this involves an unwitting party engaging in sexual activity or visiting the toilet. The government allowed this in 1965, following the example of Thailand (a.k.a. "Hooker Central for Crusty Old Rich Guys").

Initially, voyeurs had to hide in closets, often being spotted and chased away. With the advent of the camera, needless chases and killings could stop. There was a week of celebration. Voyeurism in Japan entered a golden age shortly thereafter.

Japan is well-known in the West as having a completely different way of doing things. Notable differences include:

Japanese remove their shoes when they exit a house. This minimizes wear-and-tear and keeps shoes from being covered in dog-poo.
The Japanese integrate a cooling mechanism into toilet seats. This keeps buttocks from overheating during summer.
To reduce hospital crowding, the government recently abolished the tradition of bowing as people frequently bang their heads in crowded places - instead, people now roll their eyes. Due to strong attachment to tradition, headbanging still happens sometimes.
Japanese 24-hour stores are all-pervasive and far more convenient than their Western counterparts, in that they have toilets, fax machines, photocopiers, kettles, washing machines, stationery, and cookers for public use. One can pay bills, get a haircut and manicure, or get a massage. In addition, most of these stores are mounted on a twin-legged chassis to give added convenience to customers after midnight.
There are 24-hour PokeCenters in most cities for Japanese people to recharge their pokemon so as to be ready to "catch em' all" in the next day's work.
The former Japanese PM, Junichiro Koizumi, closely resembles Richard Gere.
Japanese women believe all Western men are "cool" - including "giksu" and "niggazu".
In 1650, Japan inexplicably disappeared from the face of the Earth for 200 years. Many theories were offered, including alien abduction, or that it had become submerged. In 1850, an American expedition stumbled upon Japan in a forest in Northern Alaska. Apparently, it had swum across the Pacific Ocean but forgotten how to get back. Chinese hauliers moved Japan back to its rightful place. The debt was settled after Japan met China's request to be invaded in 1931.
The age of consent in Japan is 10 years. Many Japanese believe this is far too high and should be lowered.
The age of retirement in Japan is 80. Due to their love of work and little else (console-gaming is considered a form of work by Japanese), many Japanese believe this is far too low and should be raised.

[edit] Religion

The official religion of Japan is Fanatical Extremist Confusionism.

In the mid-1990s, many people died on the Tokyo subway in a deadly gas attack. Initially thought to be the work of religious extremists, it turned out that these terrible events resulted from an old man passing gas on one of the packed express trains. His farts contain a high concentration of an extremely toxic nerve gas. Please note that trains in Japan do not have windows or air vents.

The common Japanese religion, Shintoism, worships polytheistic gods known as "laptops", or "la-to-pu". The Japanese worship "la-to-pu", because they bring the Japanese good luck and porn.

In Shinto, the Japanese archipelago was created from the excrement of Izusagi-no-Mikoto, a giant rabbit. The text is written in the ancient, indecipherable Jindai Moji script.

[edit] References

↑ It fires people out of a cannon into a giant haystack.
↑ Floating glass bottle. The mouth is a jet powered by mutant-cow dung.

[edit] See also

[edit] External links

What the Japanese do not want outsiders to know.
For more information on Japanese culture, consult the 1945 propaganda film, My Japan.
Japan for Dummies
Captain Japan's Sake-Drenched Postcards
Japan News, by Taro
Learn Engrish
Kawaii AV
Tokyo Heat

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