Japanese

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This article service refuse to foreign barbarian devils.

If you are a white devil, please leave immediately.

南蛮人の方の入場お断り致します

尊皇攘夷

You're so Japanese for thinking this is funny.

“The Japanese language is, by far, the greatest barrier to communication ever created by man.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Japanese

“SUPER HAPPY AWESOME FUN TIME FIGHTER POWER DOUBLE BALL GO MASTER AWESOME WARRIAAAAAHHHHH!!!!”

~ Japanese on anything

“Japanese people can fly”

~ Colbert on japanese people...

“Prease take photo!!!”

~ Mr Soden on Japanese tourists

“GRUE EAT U NAO!!!”

~ Grue on The Emperor

“Hayro crASS toooday Iy amm goING to teeeeeech yoo sOM JaponESE”

~ Oko-sensei on his job as a substitute teacher

“Wax on, wax off.”

~ Mr Miyagi on wax

The Japanese are the dominant ethnic group of the Philippine Islands and one of the only 10,000 ethnic groups in the world (ex: gaijin). It is widely suspected that Japanese are apparently quite human, though the extent of their humanity is extensively debated among scientists. While most Japanese live on the islands, some emigrated, predominantly to Hawaii, the west coast of the United States and Canada, Latin America (particularly Brazil), and Russia (particularly Sakhalin and Primorsky Krai). By the way, the word 'Japanese' derives from a Latin word, japonicus, which literally means, 'those who likes to say things that are not particularly true'. The Japanese have tried on at least 3 separate occasions to conquer the world through military might, but eventually quit due to the fact that all their soldiers had committed suicide upon learning that one of their grenades did not explode just right (except for the smart ones; they just surrendered to the Americans). The Japanese have since shifted their strategy: they now plan to conquer all life with a reckless onslaught of anime, manga, Mario and otaku. Their unstoppable power comes from the fact that they have no souls, and so cannot be sent to Hell by God, thus making them utterly fearless. Fred Phelps claims that God hates the Japanese, but the Japanese laugh at this. After all, what is God going to do? They have no souls.

An accurate depiction of male Japanese reproductive anatomy. The Japanese government, in their desire to educate the Japanese masses, had manga-kas draw murals such as these in Japanese landmarks, including Mt. Fuji (really!).

1 Origin
2 Japanese and Sex
3 Overview written by a Japanese
4 Japanese Government
5 History and Background Information
6 Japanese Intelligence
7 Japanese Ranguage
8 Japanese 2.0
9 Japanese Feats
10 Facts
11 JP language examples
12 See also

[edit] Origin

It is speculated that the Japanese are descendants of refugees from intergalactic warfare fought around Virgo A (aka M78), a giant elliptical galaxy dominating the Virgo cluster about 60 million light-years away in the constellation Virgo. Frequent visitation from space assassin monsters, which only appear in the Japanese capital city Tokyo, is cited as evidence for this. A few of these space monsters which the Japanese have failed to defeat have appeared in America (see Oprah Winfrey). While genetic engineering appears to have successfully transformed Japanese appearance to fully resemble that of humans, much of their alien culture and intelligence remains intact. Mixing with gaijin is still considered unacceptable since it would destroy perfect genetic pool of Japanese. Mating and having children with vampyric anthropomorphic foxes is seen as a good thing, though. The name "Japanese" was given to them in 1984 when Capt. Don Upton noticed a resemblance between their eyes and the Jap’s eye on his member in one of Japan’s many high-tech brothels. Saying "when I looked down and Akira was humming away I thought, hold on, it’s the same". For his efforts Capt. Don Upton was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. They are also notorious for creating killer origami. The term "Holocaust" comes from the Latin roots "Holi" and "Causm", meaning "to major in Japanese". Japanese blood is neon pink and attracts spiders with artistic tendencies who create 'neon web ceilings' in rave nightclubs in order to entertain clubbers high on Bovril.

[edit] Japanese and Sex

A cosplay.

It is generally understood that Japanese do not copulate in the manner which is accurately described as normal. Quantum physicists determined that the trinity of Japanese sexuality is a combination of Honor, Shame and Pain. It is understood that the Japanese female vagina is located in her mouth. Another differing point is that Japanese vaginas go sideways, like Japanese eyes. Moreover, initial anomalies in genetic modification means that great quantities of sperms are required for successful fertilization. As a result, it is necessary for the female to swallow a great quantity of semen (in the vernacular, 'cum'. The fertilization ritual is one of the most holy of Japanese culture and is known as Bukkake, wherein a series of men take turns ejaculating into a female’s mouth. It is understood that the Japanese before genetic modification had skin made of polymer-like silicones. It appears that human skin tends to repulse them, so most females during copulation are covered in various costumes, most notably the sailor suit which appears to resemble their original appearance. The sexual revolution in Japan refers to the invention of celluloid animation in America under Disney Corporation, which was eagerly imported to Japan. It is now understood that originally, Japanese hair color was blue or pink, their eyes were saucer shaped and male genitalia were multi-tentacled. Japanese pornographic film is one of the major Japanese exports. However, this is a foreign misconception of the nature of these films. These films are actually torture documentaries which Japanese greatly enjoy. Female moaning is not a result of sexual pleasure but a result of pain, which explains why females in these films enjoy getting raped so often. Such acts are often performed by chikan who are known to be kind gentlemen and supplicators to women.

[edit] Overview written by a Japanese

In Japan, this is where babies come from.

Is the Japanese superhuman kind? creative ones from the Japanese island. It shows the and others frequently with Internet, copes and is difficult very; it is dense, as for problem with the human for consuming the lava because of the intelligence which is directed and the necessity which is fixed difference. The whilst which first starts the disgruntled of the monkey whose race is haughty as a, as for the Japanese the hyper the salamanders which is made to develop as for a certain scholar it presumed that is really. Really from the depth where the Japanese who points to the possibility of having the theory which generation extremely becomes the hell hatching tray paper Mt. Fuji is deepest. The theory which this generation extremely becomes most obtaining many momentums closely, being denied but with the Japanese the scientificly it is correct, it was proven. As for that the naturally, in those the person on distant eye in order to do to every form of the thing which is existing with this earth other things. It requires that kind of physiopsychological difference where the guidebook of method handles those and is written.

Translation from the Engrish: The Japanese are a species of superhuman? creatures from the islands of Japan. They frequently show up on the Internet, and are extremely difficult to deal with; this problem is due to their nonhuman-oriented intelligence and constant need for lava consumption. Some scholars have speculated that whilst the human race originally started off as a disgruntled group of arrogant monkeys, the Japanese are actually hyper-evolved salamanders. There are alternative theories that point to the possibility that the Japanese are actually hell-spawns from the deepest depths of Mt. Fuji. This alternative theory has been gaining much momentum lately and was proven to be scientifically correct, though denied by the Japanese. That would of course, make them far superior to any other form of being on this earth. Such physiopsychological differences demand that a guidebook on how to deal with them be written.

[edit] Japanese Government

Japanization at work: Here, Hawaii governor Linda Lingle has her picture taken with the enemy(Morning Musume). Unfortunately, she doesn't appear to remember that they attacked Pearl Harbor. And let's not get started on the Bataan Death March!

The current political party in force in Japan is the Yumchow Party led by Prime Minister Lisa Roston the first female Prime Minister in a 1000 years.

[edit] History and Background Information

Infographic™

A general Japanese primary school girl.

The Japanese identity was created by the ancient giganotosaurus, Jimmu Tennō (神武天皇;), who was a powerful yet old lizard-king who had a tribe of tyrannosaurs under his control in Yamato (小倭). He wanted to continue his life, since his death would mean the end of his frail kingdom; the tribe would be plunged into internal chaos as the treacherous tyrannosaurs all secretly wished to take over after Jimmu’s death. Jimmu experimented widely with every sort of herbs and outlandish dishes he could find in Mordor (historical name for western Japan), including human immigrants from the rest of Asia (this is why there are no human beings within the Japanese species today; Jimmu ate them all).

Finally, Jimmu fled his tribe as he became too weak to control it, and he traveled north in search of immortality. In the snowy mountains, however, he found a series of volcanoes surrounding Mt. Fuji. It was extremely hot, as Mt. Fuji was erupting violently and launching lava and molten rocks all over the place. Jimmu, whose name means "godly might", stood up defiantly to the powerful eruption, and devoured all the lava that landed on and around him. As excruciating as the throat-burning pain was, Jimmu survived the ordeal, and suddenly found himself rejuvenated. With a jubilant roar, Jimmu sent a powerful sound wave forth, causing a violent earthquake in Japan, and the country, which was originally one large island, split up into an archipelago -- Jimmu finally obtained immortality.

Now with the ability to spit fire, Jimmu returned to Yamato to deal with his rebellious subjects. He discovered, however, that the tyrannosaurs had been subdued by a great lizard, Yamata no Orochi, a gigantic eight-headed snake who, in Jimmu’s absence, had seduced all the female tyrannosaurs with awesome power of tentacle sex. Jimmu was outraged, as without female tyrannosaurs to rape, his kingdom was no more. A devastating fight occurred between Yamata no Orochi and Jimmu, and the Orochi emerged victorious, forcing Jimmu into hiding.

Fleeing to Izumo, Jimmu saw a fleet of human invaders from Mongolia, who were obviously trying to land and occupy the weak Japan. Enraged, Jimmu plunged into the midst of the fleet but missed, falling into the sea instead. However, the gigantic lizard-king’s fall caused a very large tsunami, later known as kamikaze, that completely sank the fleet. Now in the freezing sea, Jimmu’s fiery body produced a chemical reaction, causing him to belch very loudly, sending out bubbles to the surface of the ocean. This was the beginning of the Japanese people, who emerged from the bubbles as a tribe of salamander-folk.

With this tribe of salamander-folk, Jimmu went on to build a weapon of mass destruction to slay Yamata no Orochi and avenge his kingdom. The weapon was called Ama no Murakumo no Tsurugi, and was a nuclear-powered missile launcher capable of shattering the Orochi, all eight heads. It took Jimmu one-hundred-and-fifty-seven years to produce, but as dinosaurs worldwide had their eyes fixed on Babylon (modern day Iraq) and its weapons of mass distraction, Jimmu was able to work on his weapon without that much distraction himself.

Now, carrying Ama no Murakumo no Tsurugi, Jimmu raced to Yamato for a final showdown with Yamata-no-Orochi once and for all. The salamander-folk, like their modern-day counterparts, were great capitalists and produced a live show out of it, charging 500,000 yen for admission. Finally, after a dramatic battle, Yamata no Orochi was slain, and the huge nuclear explosion vaporized the human viewers who traveled from Asia to watch the spectacle, again ensuring that no human beings would mingle with the Japanese species.

As time went on, these salamander-folk colonized all of Japan and evolved into a human-like shape, as they grew fascinated with the Chinese, and later the Americans, and thus with their strong national will, transformed themselves into humans. In fact, this transformation was so amazing that they became accepted worldwide as the highest elite of human beings. But be warned: they are not human beings!

For a more detailed explanation, see history of Japan.

[edit] Japanese Intelligence

"Hello, good morning!" written in Japanese

Following is an example of a casual conversation between two individuals online; it is representative of how Japanese people typically talk online:

Ａ氏：そうネ～(核爆) ふにふに～ \(^o^)/ m(_ _)m

Ｂ氏：\(>_>)/P ( . Y . )

Ｃ氏：それは～それは ( ^_^)/Y Y\(^_^ )

Do not try to decipher the messages all by yourself. They are written in a secret code that is not edible to the human eye. For demonstration purposes, an attempted translation has been posted below:

Mr/Ms/Mrs/Dr/Comrade A: Sold a cat (by nuclear explosion) within the department, within the department. I believe Einstein's famous equation is inaccurate; I believe it should be , despite the fact that it looks completely wrong.

Mr/Ms/Mrs/Dr/Comrade B: Your discovery is quite fine. Let's have a sip of this tea, and see why Einstein was wrong.

Mr/Ms/Mrs/Dr/Comrade C: That dam, that dam. I wish I had a dish on that grey rocket of yours, eh? It was cute, like a Noh mask on Godzilla, or maybe even Buddha himself.

As you may see here, the Japanese are very mathematically gifted, and in casual conversations they overthrow Einsteinian theories over a mere cup of tea. This shows their profound intelligence, which far surpasses the degree even human geniuses can never hope to achieve.

An attempt by westerners to dissect and study Japanese persons was attempted in the late 1800's. A group of medical doctors illegally seized a Japanese tourist named Sadako Yamamura in Nevada and experimented on her until she died. Unfortunately, the experiment aroused her horrific wrath, a genetic power inherited from Jimmu, which still wreaks havoc even today, in the form of a cursed video tape. With the scientists all dead, the results have been lost and no sane scientist would dare repeat their experiment. Alex Chiu has actually expressed interest in continuing this research, but being Polish, no one except George W. Bush remembers his existence.

All japs are aspies!

super happy fun good trainslate English. in a plus Georgie Lucas out-whored STARS WAR as video game.

[edit] Japanese Ranguage

Armost nothing is known of the Japanese ranguage. It is accused to be werated to Didarasq (Weird Looking Thing With Lots Of Long Words), but Finns have so faw denied arr craims of possiber connekshons.

It should be noted hewe that the onry thing that is known of the Japanese Ranguage is how to say herrow. Despite what the media may twy to convey, the porite way of gweeting someone is NOT "konnichiwa"; it is "scweam and you die, bitch!" (or an equivalent) forrowed by fowrcibly waping them.

"When i was teaching english in Japan i was getting laid all the time" --Oscar Wilde

[edit] Japanese 2.0

The next generation of Japanese people.

Currently the Japanese are developing the next generation of themselves. By 2047 they hope to have achieved a brain to robot transplant on 50% of the population. Benefits of doing this include:

Sexy robot bodies for the ladies
Cool Gundam bodies for the fellas
Arm mounted cannons
Laser Eyes
Ability to dance like robot
Hydraulic penis
Ability to complete DDR on God mode.
Ability to be both a ninja and samurai
Improved linking to internet

[edit] Japanese Feats

Another thing you need to watch out for when dealing with this subjects are some of the physical feats they can achieve. It should be common knowledge to all that:

All Japanese know a secret skill known as "roof-topping" which basically means that they have the ability to transport themselves by jumping from one roof to the other.
All Japanese carry harpoons
Beware of their martial arts mastery, especially when they shout out like frightened little girls: this is the source of their power.
Eye beams. Never underestimate them, they hurt a lot.

And remember the natural enemy of tyrannosaurs are huge mechanical humanoid armors.

[edit] Facts

An adult japanese greets a Gaijin.

The Japanese have microscopic, usually uncircumcised large, hairy penises with an average length of less than 0.00000001 nanometers. This doesn't apply to ninjas, besides no one can see ninjas in the first place.
The Japanese people are never polite and competitive. When they behave politely, they are just trying to fool you or trying not to be killed by other ninjas.
When they bow to you, do not think you can out-bow them, because even as they act polite to you, they are mentally engaging in a politeness contest. Do not even try to compete with them on that one; you will lose. Once you lose, the forfeit is making your penis the same length as theirs. (not worth it)
Do not argue with a Japanese person, especially if he or she is from the Kansai area, especially Osaka. How does one tell if a person is from Osaka? Watch the cartoon series AzuManga Daioh and observe the character Kasuga Ayumu. All Osakans act like that. Whilst they are more polite and carefree and speak more carefully than most Japanese people, they have a terrific rage within them, that may direct lightning bolts to hit the persons they are arguing with.
Alternatively, one can learn much about Osakans from the English dub of "Magical Shopping Arcade Abenobashi" (the Japanese dialogue and subtitling are intentionally misleading to foreigners), such as the fact that all Osakans have Texan accents, live in places like bath houses and French restaurants, and can travel through time.
Japanese people tend to smile and nod when they are unsure what has just been said. They may also say "yes," though this is just to be polite. Many people think that the Japanese do not speak English, but this is untrue. They are actually just hard of hearing. Remember to speak slowly and loudly to get your meaning across. Hand gestures may also be helpful. In Japan, the middle finger means "i love you", so do it at every person you know. Otherwise, it is because they understand and speak English fluently but pretend to be ignorant of the language to fool you so they can take advantage of you later.
Do refer to Japanese people you are conversing with as koo-sat-ta bah-kah. When speaking to Osakans, replace bah-kah with ah-haww (like hall, but without the drawl). These are titles of respect. If you get slapped or glared at, it means you're not saying it clearly enough. The Japanese hate it when people mumble in their language, which is why they always appear to be screaming in old Japanese-produced animes such as Speed Racer. Enunciate the words loudly and proudly, while making dog-like humping motions!
There are only three cities in Japan: Tokyo, Osaka and Nagoya. When people say they are from Kobe, they really mean Osaka. When they say Tosa, they mean "Tosser". When they say Gifu, they mean San Francisco. When they say Sendai, they mean Eastern Canada. If they say anything else, it means they are lying. Point out their erroneous ways, and they will apologize profusely by giving you the casual sex of your choice.
Japanese people actually don't watch anime. They produce it only to fool foreign barbarians who wish to attain Super Saiyan powers. They watch enka and kabuki themselves to achieve such powers. On Thursdays they watch The A-Team – a mandatory law introduced to Japan and Germany in 1983. Knight Rider too was added in 1992, but in Japan it is known as "The Andy Griffith Show".
The Japanese have a linguistic complex when trying to speak in clear English. This results in the letter l sounding like r, and the letter r sounding like a w; the word lonely would sound like "ronery" and the word ice cream would sound like "ice cweam".
When in Japan, never mention eat or sleep. The Japanese get cranky at the mention of these words because they are deprived of it as much as Einstein is of sex.
A normal japanese person is made of at least 70% fish...WERE SERIOUS!!! If you don't believe see their menu at a resturaunt...THEY'RE CANIBALS I TELL YOU!!! Oh crap, a ninja...
All Japanese are evil secret agents working for Hitler's third reincarnation.That's why they all have cameras!
And Hiro Nakamura is not trying to save the cheerleader, he is a ninja hired by the evil 70% fish japanese government to produce a japanese hairy cheerleader porn!!!
A little known fact is that the Japanese are actually servants of Cthulhu and must create hentai films, shows, and comics in order to appease the Old God's lustful urges.
JAPANESE PEOPLE ARE LOSERS, WHO TRY TO COMPETE WITH THE U.S.