Jared Leto
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Jared Freakin' Leto is, as many fangirls claim, 0MG the most AH-mazing, TAlented, SEXY, GORgeous, AWzum, C00Lest Eh-ver, liCKabl3, gud SMELLing, zuh-ESty, spUNky, hypn0tic, kidNAPPabL3, m0L3stable, sPRINGy, suh-NAZzy, FUH-REAKish person on the entire frikkin' planet/universe/space. They also numbered many other positive characteristics belonging to him, but they were incomprehensible. He is also a vampire.
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[edit] Childhood
Jared Leto grew up in a small town of La-La Land during the Happy Era. He enjoyed gardening (as revealed in the song "93 Million Miles" by 30 Seconds To Mars) and playing with kittens until age 5, when Mr. Shahbahlagahdingdong (from "The Suite Life Of Zack And Cody" series) dominated the land. From this time on, La-La Land was no longer in the Happy Era, but the Sad Era. He no longer found pleasure in happy things, but instead in sad things like drinking the blood of the innocent and starving himself for movie roles. He eventually dropped out of high school because he could not take the sadness anymore and fled to a land called LA. This is where he was discovered by Lord Voldemort, who put him in the My So-Called Life series. Lord Voldemort will forever be like a father figure to him, for he saved his soul. While he was on the set of MSCL (as hard-core My So-Called Life fans would say), he found his first true love: Angela, aka Claire Danes. She brought him out of his misery and persuaded him to write songs about cars. He would have gone back to gardening and playing with kittens, but he never attempted it after he was beat up by Dick Cheney for doing so. From then on, he started doing hard-core things such as singing, acting, pissing off the media, and hooking up with chicks. No sorry all he really is-- is NORmal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[edit] Sex Life
Jared Leto's sex life consists of women, men, vampires, geese, and anything edible. This statement was verified when a cool-ass interviewer from France asked him "What turns you on?" and he replied "What doesn't turn me on?" Fangirls have been reported performing strange rituals ever since. Nobody knows exactly what the purpose of this is, but one witness reported that he remembered the strange group to be chanting in Chinese.He takes the Kama Sutra approach.
[edit] Career
Jared Leto is well known for his movie roles, for his credibility in the music industry, and for his ability to act like an asshole (this is what the magazines say, so it must be true). He is very successful in all areas. Because he's special abilities granted by being a vampire he does almost anything in the world because, of course he does not sleep so he's known for singing, composing, acting, directing, cooking (he bakes a mean cake and makes square pancakes) , dancing (he's also known as Happy Feet), hiking (generally very high stages) and so on...
Movies
Leto is most known for getting his limbs amputated, for getting beat up, killed, shot, stabbed, arrested, poisoned, burned, axed, and molested in his movies. The reasoning for this is unknown, but some have suggested that it may be because of his rough childhood in La-La Land, and that he thirsts for pain. To put it in plain words, he's Emo. He's also an artist who suffers for his art so for every movie he maltreats himself in one way or another : he starves himself until he becomes like "Achmed the Dead Terrorist", he plucks his hair to be bald, he eats until he becomes like a normal average American (obese - 230lbs), he shaves (that's the most real sacrifice that he's ever made).
Music
Older brother Shannon and Jared formed a band in 1998 called 30 Seconds To Mars because they are part space-monkey. When their first CD, self titled, came out in 2002, their genre was described as "space-rock". Soon, people began to suspect them for being aliens. The brothers noticed this and realized that they may have given too much information about themselves. So, to hide their true identity, they came out with another album 3 years later. This album was called "A Beautiful Lie", which was their way of denying that they were space-monkeys, and the sound was no longer out of this world. The "Space-Monkey Outrage of 2002" has died down since then, but there are still a few people who have not let go of their suspicions. The SOON concept is a leitmotif which often appears in the activity of 30 seconds to mars . This is also an argument for the fact that they actually are aliens...Somehow they managed to be atemporal, because they live somewhere in the 4th dimension where time passes either very slow (they seem to have remained stuck in the early years of their youth where fooling and goofing around like kinder garden boys is a normal behavior) or either very fast, soon for them becoming in a normal human dimension months or even years of waiting. So we'll soon see the video for A beautiful lie ( which seems to feature the band's cow, named Frodrick, eating grass in a blizzard ), we'll soon have a new album, we'll soon hear Jared is in Mexico again, etc... They also enter in a time-loop at every concert before they sing the well known "The Kill", when time almost stops and Jared screams desperately "This next song...The next song is called...is called...is calleeed!!!!"
Asshole Abilities
Leto first became known as "The Asshole" after he attempted to choke a hobbit. People nearby claim to have heard phrases such as "I will eat your face!" and "I will eat your mom's face!" before the fight broke out. Later, the hobbit claimed that Leto became upset after he accused him of having an affair with his own brother, Shannon. "The whole thing was kind of ridiculous." he stated. Leto was not available for comment, for he was helping his guitarist give their poodle a bath.
Memory Span
Jared was actually acknowledged by The Space-Monkeys Guinness book to be the creature with the memory larger than an marsephant's (the equivalent on Earth would be elephant). So he never forgets anything. He will always remember every night of his life (especially if there was a concert)-though, paradoxally, every concert is his best concert-, every country he's ever been in (although he has a problem to distinguish Denmark from Holland), every fan he talks to, every interview he does...
[edit] Filmography
- Requiem For A Pineapple
- Requiem for a dream
- Friendship Club
- The Very Sexy Vampire
- Panic Time (wearing corn rows because he's ghetto YO)
- Alexandra
- Dillweed
- My Trip To Mars
- Highway to Haircut Hell (Holy Mohawk)
- How To Make Kentucky Fried Space-Chicken
- Lonely Kidneys
- How to knit a hat like Jimi Hendrix
- Lord Of Hobbitry
- Chapter 27 (also known as How I Became Extremely Fat for no apparent rational reason)
- Mr.depressing (also known as Mr.Nobody but that is the same so thats just retarded.)
[edit] His Healing Powers
Leto's voice is known to have healing powers. So far, he has been seen healing warts, cancer, and death. Though it has not been confirmed, some say his voice can make you up to 89 years younger. It is also rumored that you may receive multiple orgasms to gain inner peace. His voice is currently being harnessed into a digestible formula so that its powers can be spread to the needy people of the world.
Mr. Smiley, from your imagination, has said that his voice has done wonders for his acne. "Just wait -- Jared will kick Pro-Active and Jessica Simpson's ass!" he reported.
[edit] Things You May Not Know About Jared Leto
- He has meat vision.
- His favorite food is flax seed.
- He is able to get high off of chicken soup.
- He likes to use beer as a mouthwash.
- He feeds off of sand and marshmallows.
- He was supposed to be in the film Napoleon Dynamite, but his hair refused to curl. downtown.
- He can do cartwheels.
- He has a total of 28947849484 scarves.
- He is so flexible people call him the human emo pretzel.
- He often walks down the street and hears his songs in the pockets of strangers (as ring tones.
- He has multiple personalities, sometimes he's himself, sometimes one of the 500 hats of Bartholomew Cubbins, or even Bartholomew Cubbins himself.
- He is goofy.as.a.gooose.
- He is in love with his blackberry phone and they are currently going steady.
- He is known to burst out in random dance moves and cause injury to others around him when this happens.
- He confuses the song "O, Christmas tree" with the national anthem of Canada.
- He is the founder of the flick-the-bean phenomenon. He likes flicking the bean, sometimes several times a week.
- He thinks yams are "The secret to happiness"
- He likes to "punt" broccoli for fun
- He has been known to shower on stage with water bottles
- He has the best "milk shake"
- He is the second coming of Jesus Christ!
- He drinks pomegranate juice by the truckload
- He sleeps with his Blackberry
- He loves being restrained
- He has 3 tattoos all representing 30 Seconds To Mars
- He has a tendancy to climb things
- He is a screamer (You know what i mean)
- He has wardrobe of plaid shirts, skinny jeans,leather jackets and fedoras
- He has a magnetic effect with paparazzi in LA
- He is often observed chipping the black polish off his nails
- He has a night time ritual of howling at the moon
- He sucks at Guitar Hero 3
- He has been known to steal peoples cameras
- He at times puts on warpaint and dances around wildly
- He can't RAP to save his soul
- He licks his lips a zillion times a day
- He often scribbles strange symbols
- He is afraid of Miranda's Pandas
- He dreams about being chased by sharks and aliens
- He attacks defenseless cakes
- He has a mouth as big as the Grand Canyon
- He has a bad habit of kissing men
- He has been known to wander aimlessly and strike up conversations with random lamp posts
- He can't drink RedBull because he ends up climbing the Washington Monument naked
- He is obsessed about books for children
