Jason Statham
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[edit] Early Life
Jason Statham was found on the streets of San Francisco by famous film maker, Clint Eastwood-however Clint's busy lifestyle would often lead to Jason being left on his ranch with nothing to do except lift engine blocks, shoot guns, throw knives, and watch all of his adoptive father's films several times a day.
At the age of 12, Jason met his first wife on Myspace and drove to her home in Florida within three hours in a stolen BMW, with three of his Middle-School friends. When he arrived, all of his friends were arrested, his car exploded, and he destroyed a mansion for no fucking reason, other than simply because he could. His food addicted uncle, Joe Don Baker, helped him out of jail. Then Statham found a asian woman whom helped him locate a truck full of Cuban refugees. These events were later recreated in the film "The Transporter".
When he was 16, Statham was preparing to marry yet again, but he was stabbed in the neck by a syringe of FoxDie at soccer practice. A deadly synthetic poison the Chinese kids had cooked up in their backyard methlab. His enormous engagement ring, nicknamed "The Pink Panther" was stolen by illegal immigrants.
When he awoke, extremely pissed off at what had taken place, Jason stole the nearest El Camino (Despite being an arayan) and took off in pursuit. He done several kilos of coke that he found in the car, but he realized this would not be enough to keep his adrenaline high enough to keep the Chinese-Meth poison from attacking his liver.
To keep himself alive, Statham received constant oral sex and Red Bull whilst shooting the hell out of everyone and riding motorcycles without hands or pants. This constant substance abuse led Statham to believe he was playing Microsoft Flight Simulator X, and he eventually flew a Cesna out of the Earth's atmosphere, and into the Moon. With his adrenaline so high that he could actually swim through space, and breath in a pure vaccum, Jason hijacked an XBZ7183V-Blackbird and piloted it home.
These events were recreated in the film "Crank" and "The Pink Panther"
While hiding from the US Goverment in Cambodia, Statham worked as an chaffuer for a wealthy couple's son. When the boy and Statham accidentally walked into an non-OSHA certified hospital, they were swarmed by former-Soviet nurses and porn stars. Jason sat them all on fire with a lighter and a can of deoderant, killing a good majority of them, but not before the boy was kidnapped by on of these porn stars. He was framed for the crime, and forced to kill several private pirate mercenary armies with only a lawnmower blade. Statham imported his food addicted french uncle cop yet again, and with his help, finnaly returned the boy to his rightful home by impaling the former porn star on a helicopter with razor blades for propellors.
[edit] Film Career
After paying off enormous fines and bounties, Jason began a quest to follow in his step-father's foot steps, and become an actor.
Shortly after arriving in Hollywood, Statham found that he could only find work as an stuntman. Angered at such prejudice, he took part in a conspiracy to change the way of American movie-making for decades to come. By flooding the US market in the mid-90's to early 2000's with films flooded with cliche' plots, excessive Computer Graphics, and Lifetime style directing, Statham and his co-conspirators succeeded in paving the way for the ultra-gritty, non-CG, and anti-slow motion "Crack Films" of the future.
In this new era of filmmaking, Statham was flooded with requests to do such films as Million Dollar Baby and 101 Dalmations, he refused, and was willing to only do movies that reflected the expierinces he had encountered in his early life. Stan Lee agreed, and The Transporter was born.
[edit] Personal Life
Statham currently resides in The Alaskan Wilderness, where he enjoys hunting alongside wolves in the wild.
He has atleast 19 confirmed children, and another 12 or so un-confirmed children. All of which are males under the age of 10, that have already grown stubbled beards and have receding hairlines.
