Jason Voorhees

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Please mark adult content with a warning for young readers.

How else are they going to find it?

Jason after being wrapped in tinfoil and having been left in the oven too long. He's pissed!

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Jason Voorhees.

“I don't need to wait 30 minutes after eating Mom. I'll be fine, I'm a great swimmer!”

~ A young Jason Voorhees

Jason redirects here. For other people named Jason, please see Jason (disambiguation).

Jason Voorhees is a Jewish physician, butcher, an Uncyclopedian, and your biological father. Born an utter freak to a mildly psychotic mother, Jason Voorhees was fucked from the word go really. He died because the water nymphs came up from atlantis and drowned his ugly ass. His mother, blaming two camp counselors, killed them. Her reasons being that they were getting drunk and fucking each other instead of watching her son. She of course was off doing important things like cleaning, picking up nearly-dead leaves and...uh...stuff. Every time someone tried to re-open the now infamous Camp Watery Slash Foresty Place she would piss in their coffee and shit in envelopes then mail it to them with notes attached saying, "Give this a handjob." Though popular with the staff, many of the under twelves found it mildly offensive and so they again closed down.

[edit] Career in Nazi Germany

Unknown to many fans, Jason served for a little while as Hitler's right hand. Hitler needed a skilled human butcher, so he called some of the best in a little interview. The best one would win the job. Among the candidates were Michael Myers, Freddy Krueger, Hannibal Lecter and Charles Manson. Lecter wasn't hired because he ate Hitler's lamb, while Freddy Krueger, a german by origin, wasn't hired because he fucked with the lamb's intestins. Manson and Myers got involved in a massive fight, causing them to eat each other's penis. Jason won, Hitler being impressed in the way he slaughtered a "guinea pig" Jew.

Jason was eventually sent to Auschwitz, where he served as a professional organ remover, butcher and tax-free hitman. Doctor Mengele worked with Jason for several years. In fact, Jason was responsible for 99.9% of the kills during the Holocaust. The other 0.01% was a Jew killed by Hitler, when Hitler found out that the Jew in question stole a hamburger. The angered Hitler shoved a full hamburger up the Jew's throat, causing him to suffocate.

After the defeat of Nazi Germany, during World War Two, Jason was sent back in the US by Joseph Stalin, who recommended Jason for pig butchering. Jason was fired because he accidentally butchered the butchery owner, believing him to be a fat fucking pig. Jason then had a successful career as a serial killer, film actor, musician (machete player) and hockey player.

[edit] Friday The 13th

Friday the 13th brings back new memories I never knew I had, like some new camp counselors invited Kevin Bacon to open the camp for a new and hopefully peaceful summer. Unfortunately Kevin Bacon also brought along his good pal Kenny Loggins in the hope that Kenny would help everybody cut, everybody cut, everybody cut, everybody cut, everybody cut FOOTLOOSE! Of course the mother of Jason decided to off them all by making them listen to Wham records and showed them subliminal images of Rick Astley, consequently they all went off-their-bollocks-insane. Finally One of the counselors managed to call on the aid of her summon creature and killed Voorhees. The film ended with Jason escaping from the water nymphs and punching the surviving counselor in the face. It's okay though because it was all a dream. Or was it. Yes it was. Well, maybe it wasn't. Though it would make little sense contextually. Perhaps it was real. Though I doubt it. But then... AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

A little later he was recently killing misfits in the streets of New York in attempt to 'take' the city. Where he planned to take the city is unclear, as all Jason had with him at the time was a small fannypack, so where ever he planned to take the city would undoubtably have taken a long time, due to the small amount of the city he would have been able to move on each visit. I mean seriously think about it, he could have probably only taken a single brick each time, so moving a city the size of New York was impossible, a fact which soon became apparent to even Jason's backwoods inbred mongaloid brain. After some careful consideration and a chat in the Holodeck with Captain Picard over a pot of Earl Grey tea he decided to return with a Strawberry Shortcake backpack capable of holding 4 bricks at a time and set about only taking Manhattan. In only 9 hours he had managed to move the entire island of Manhattan 18 inches to the left before he was molested by prominent New York slut Kim Cattrall, before running home in tears, feeling violated and forever abandoning his long time dream of moving Manhattan to Iowa.

[edit] Freddy vs. Jason

Eventually, Jason got into a big, nasty ugly fight with some other butter knifed fingered weirdo named Freddy Krueger (who was from Wikipedia) over whether or not Kamp Krystal (oops, that's "Camp Crystal") Lake should be copyrighted. Jason thought it would be blasted okay, since he doesn't give a darn about those stupid ole copyrights. However, Freddy Krueger, a typical Wikipedian, got really teed off because copyrights were his god. In the end, the two got really teed off at each other. The copyright issue went to court, but then Freddy got really, really blasted angry since the people there weren't bowing down to Copyrights. Jason got really, really blasted angry at him for being so stinkin' ornery, and the two got into a big fight punchin', kickin' each other's butt and cleaning each other's clocks and tearing each other's heads off. Finally they fell into the subject of the debate, the supposedly "crystal" lake (which should now be "Scarlet Lake") and Freddy killed Jason.... or Jason killed Freddy... or some stupid teens killed them both... I dunno, we never did find out the winner did we?

[edit] Jason's sports career

Unknown to most Friday the Thirteenth fans, Jason had a very successful, albeit short, career in professional sports. he brought the Yankees to world series at least twice. however, when it was learned that Jason also played for the Detroit Redwings (you can't just get that hockey mask from anywhere), he was stripped of his honors. Some people believe this was just an excuse to rid him of his honors because of his Indian heritage, but that's another story entirely.

[edit] Unknown Movies

• Jason (1954)
• The Return of Jason
• Jason 2000: Millennium
• Friday The 13th: Part 69 - Jason XXX
• Friday The 13th: Part 69 Redux - Jason vs. Your Sister's Virginity
• Friday the 14th: Jason Goes On Holiday
• Jason Does the Shopping (Awarded for Most Scary Movie Ever Made)
• Kramer vs. Jason
• Tuesday the 19th: Jason Takes the Dentist
• Friday the 13th: Get Killed or Die Tryin'
• Jason vs. The Giant Peach
• All Your Base Are Belong To Jason (Awarded for best Sci-fi with AYBABTU name)
• xXx Jason
• xXx: State of The Union of Jason
• Ton and Jerry and Jason
• Jason and the Chocolate Factory
• Jaws vs. Jason
• Alien vs. Jason
• Jason vs. That Fucking Huge Alien Queen
• Jason's World
• Jason vs. Mothra
• Pearl Jam's Vs vs. Jason
• Jason vs. Jason
• Friday the 13th: Jason takes what he thinks is Manhattan but is really Canada
• David vs. Jason
• Friday the 13th: A Nightmare that Michael Had On Elm Street About Chucky vs. Hellraiser
• Thursday the 12th: Jason Took Wrong of the Date
• Friday the 13th: Jason Forgot His Own Birthday While Butchering People, Which Is Every Friday the 13th
• Friday the 25th: Jason's Christmas
• Friday the 24th: Jason kills Santa
• Friday the 31st: Jason Takes Halloween that Michel Myers left behind while he's in the 13th day of October
• Godzilla vs. Jason
• Jack Bauer vs. Jason (Awarded Best Performance for Kiefer Sutherland and Best Action scene)
• Jack Bauer and Jason vs. the Land of the Dead (Awarded for Best Picture and Best Action scene)
• Jason and The Argonauts Meet Jason
• Jason of Arabia
• The Incredible Jason
• The Amazing Jason-Man
• The Fantastic Jason
• Jason the Hedgehog
• Plan Jason from Outer Space
• Alien vs. Predator vs. Jason
• Aliens vs. Predator vs. Jason: Requiem for a Dream About Freddy
• Soylent Jason
• Jason in the Middle
• Jason vs. Jeepers Creepers
• The Godfather part IV: Jason's the new godfather
• Seed of Jason
• The Bride of Jason
• NBA Street the 13th: Jason takes the court
• Jason Stomps the Yard
• Jason Stomps the Yard 2: Electric Boogaloo
• The Amityville Jason
• Apollo the 13th: Jason takes NASA
• The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion,the Witch, and Jason
• Jason and the Chipmunks
• Star Wars Episode XIII: Jason Strikes Back
• Jason Am Legend
• Jason Wears Prada
• Jason On Jarhead
• Jason In Wonderland
• Superman VII: The Quest For Jason
• When Harry Met Jason and Jason Met Sally and Sally Met Harry
• National Lampoon's Loaded Jason 3
• South Park: Bigger, Longer and Also Starring Jason
• X-Men: The Last Stand Against Jason
• The Jason Horror Time Warpy Movie Picture Sweet Transvestite Jump to the Left Show
• On Golden Jason
• JFM: Jason, Freddy, Michael: Killers All Out War
• Jason and Silent Michael Myers Strike Back
• Chasing Jason
• Clerks III: Jason's New Job
• Deep Blue Jason
• Jason to the Future Part 13
• Friday the 13th: The Animated Series (On ABC)
• Two Girls and a Cup with Jason
• The Jason Show
• Batman and Robin and Jason
• Jason's Escape from New York
• Hitchhiker's Guide to Jason (For Fuck's Sake RUN BITCH!!)
• Terminator XII: Jason Day
• Jason's Night At the Museum
• Jason's Deep Throat
• Being Jason Voorhees-Malkovich
• Jason of Arc
• Friday the 31st: Jason vs. Michael
• Friday the 13th Part XXXVIII: Jason's Pissed!
• Jason vs. Freddy (The exact opposite of Freddy vs. Jason)
• The Jason Voorhees Project
• Jason Kills Nerdy Kids With Thick Eyebrows and Lame Glasses that Act Like Mormon
• Jason vs. The Nerds
• Jason vs. Kids that Fake Make Out and Kills 'Em Anyways
• Jason Builds a Statue
• Jason Hates the Name Bryce Kineman
• Jason vs. Proctologist
• Abbott and Costello Meet Jason
• Jason: Indescriminant Cultural Slaughterings of Americans to Make Benefit for Movies from the Nation of Iraq (Sequel to Jason of Arabia)
• Jason's Family Reunion
• Friday The 13th: A Musical
• Jason the Vampire Slayer
• Jason Indacabin
• Jason: Slaughterous Journeys Through The Woods for the Purpose of Making Heterosexual Males(...and Well Shit, Everyone Else Too) Visibly Frightened In the Presence of a Undead Killing Killer In a Hockey Mask
• Young Jason-stein
• Jason NFL The 13th
• Jason vs Your Mom (Your Mom was nominated for best male actor...)
• The Jason vs. the Sleeping Bag (1200 Different Takes of Jason Chopping Up a Sleeping Bag.)
• Jason X2: X-men United
• If Hockey Masks Could Kill: Jason vs. Bruce Campbell
• Stargate SG-13: Jason Takes Cheyenne Mountain
• Friday Night Live: Tina Fey Gets Pwned
• Friday the 13th: Jason makes his famous macaroni salad, and he invites his friends over for a chat
• World War 13th: Jason takes on the Nazis
• X-men: The Last Stand For Jason
• Jason and Tom Cruise vs Chuck Norris and George W. Bush.
• Jason and the Technicolored DreamCoat
• Carry on Killing
• Jason M: Retirement Day.
• Jason in Da Hood Afta Fallin' From Space.
• jason gone wild, skinny dippers exposed
• Jasons on a plane
• jason the red-nosed killer
• Jason 982: Jason meets the Flinstones
• Jason 3.14285714 - the terror never ends
• Jason Metal
• Jason Metal 2000
• Kunk Fu Jason
• The Dark Jason
• Not Another Jason Movie!
• The Jason guru
• Jason Powers - International Killer of beavers
• Jason Powers 2 - the fish who ate my foot
• Jason Powers 3 - goldmachette
• Jason 7878787 - Jason discovers girls
• Jason movie
• Jason 1256 - It seems Jason is dead but he ends up coming back anyway
• Jason 90210 - Jason goes to Beverly Hills to find himself a sec-see girlfriend who seems to like Freddy Kreuger. Bitch.
• Jason vs. Chuck Norris - the final battle