JAWS
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“It was his turn to shine”
~ Giant Squid on letting Jaws destroy the WTC
JAWS (Jet Assisted Whale Shark) aka Jaws was not born in Russia. It is believed that he was created when God wasn’t looking by NASA in 1945. It is also believed that this is a long running joke transmitted by Americans over unsecured communication lines which have been the h4xx0rd by the Russians, who are reported to be trying to breed their own version of JAWS by making a flying shark and a land shark and an F-18 have a three-way romp. It is believed that the Americans laughed so hard that they didn’t expect the Spanish Inquisition. It is also believed that none of this is true and that Oscar Wilde is a “nonce”.
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[edit] Other Things Whot Happened
After being born JAWS was launched by trebuchet in the general direction of Moscow, but through a slight miscalculation landed slightly to the left of Charles Bronson who was on a top secret mission in London having something to do with ze Germans (nobody knows- it was for secret ;). Somewhat bewildered Charles had a lapse in concentration and was captured by Chuck Norris who was working in collaboration with the Jerries. Charles and the young JAWS were imprisoned on charges of 3rd degree looking funny, a common conviction for the English .
After months of imprisonment Charlie(starring in candy mountain)and JAWS escaped. The Great Escape is a documentary depicting this, but it was changed to be set in WWII so the kids wouldn’t get scared despite the fact it was rated R, and not just by the League of Pirate Critics. A common misconception is that Charles Bronson was claustrophobic, but this was not true. Charles was deemed far too cool for school….children and so was scripted to have a phobia in the movie. Charles proved what a great actor he was by imagining your mum naked to achieve the perfect expression of sheer horror. JAWS however declined a leading role in the film saying that it brought back too many memories of ridiculous accents. Despite declining the role (which was later given to an aspiring actor by the name of Steve McQueen, the only man judged sepia-toned enough to play JAWS) JAWS was bitten by the acting bug… and also fleas.. and Michael Jackson.
[edit] A Star Is Born
After spending a few months in hospital with a case of the plague from the fleas and “homosexualitis” from Wilde, JAWS went to Hollywood with Charles to pursue an acting career. As an interesting side note JAWS was the first person/thing to “contract” homosexuality, and is the main basis for the religo’s insistence that it is in fact highly contagious and can be caught by not shooting any homosexual in the vicinity on sight. Anyway JAWS was largely unsuccessful, having been turned down for the role of King Arthur in Monty Python’s Quest For The Holy Grail, a documentary about the air speed velocity of fully laden swallows, on the grounds of being “just far too gay.” Downtrodden and slightly aroused by Monty’s Python JAWS almost gave up hope.
Dejected, JAWS went on a bloody rampage due to Oscar Wilde’s DNA giving him a bloodlust for carnage and molesting small chinchillas. Fortunately after being visited be 3 ghosts he was scared shitless, but also managed to change his ways. Feeling much better JAWS went to audition for a part in a movie about extreme pogo stick racing. The director, Steven Spielberg, was so moved by JAWS’ audition that he decided to completely change the script and name the movie after JAWS himself. In their breakthrough hit JAWS and Spielberg created history by making the first film where stuntmen were eaten alive. The Muppets Take Manhattan challenged this claim but were promptly set on fire, because Muppets do not count as stuntmen unless they have done a 3 day CPR course. The Muppets later claimed that JAWS was in fact a large robot replica of a shark, and unfortunately this disinformation is still largely believed in the scientific community. What may be surprising to viewers is that there are no seamonkeys shown in Spielberg's film. In fact, not even the word "shark" is spoken in japanese(これのような). The audience's perception of a shark being the subject of the film was achieved by cutting the moon's cheese under water.
[edit] Jelly Attack Wasp Squad
Unfazed by these claims JAWS went on to appear in a number of movies under the pseudonym of Richard Kiel. As Kiel JAWS appeared in James Bond films as himself, and later in the feel good comedy Happy Gilmore. JAWS now spends his time as a hermit, looking up his own name on Google, pwning noobs(uo reference?), occasionally molesting small dogs, mourning the loss of Charles Bronson in a tragic orgy accident and updating his myspace account.
[edit] Fun Facts About JAWS:
- He is allergic to fish, which is both ironic and the reason why he is so big, because of the swelling.
- His allergy also is the reason why he is constantly lathered in vasoline, and is not related to his child molesting.
- JAWS had a love child with Steven Spielberg but it was so ugly it was destroyed.
- JAWS was reportedly involved in a recent undersea battle with the stingray that killed Steve Irwin.
- His teeth are in fact made of titanium, but in the Bond movies they were filed down because the pointy ones would scare the kiddies.
- JAWS was played by Charlie from candy mountain in disguise in the sequels after Spielberg and said shark had a falling out after JAWS ate their love child
- JAWS is the father of Akatsuki member, Kisame Hoshigaki.
- Charles Bronson = Chuck Norris
- Oscar Wilde == 1337
- JAWS = 7
- Contrary to popular... umm... stuff, JAWS had only ONE penis, unlike regular sharks, who have 53.8
- He appeared in Carmageddon 3 TDR 2000
- Did you know? Jaws did WTC!
