Jay-Z (band)

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Jay-Z were a five-piece Christian rock band based in Ancient Egypt. Formed in 1996, the band consisted of Rolf Harris on vocals, Shawn Carter on lead guitar, Gandhi on bass, Nobody on cello, and Your mum on drums. The band are best known for hit single Livin' On A Prayer, released in 2034. Since this they found much fame supporting the likes of Hawthorne Heights, Mariah Carey and a midget.

[edit] Formation

The origins of Jay-Z (pronounced J-Zed) are still unclear, although two main theories remain most reputable. The first suggests that the band emerged from a tremendously dense and hot state. This theory is not dissimilar to the Poof, There It Is Theory which attempts to explain the creation of the Universe. Of course, to compare the two is ridiculous, as the Universe is not nearly as well-known as Jay-Z, not to mention that Jay-Z are much bigger in the USA.

However, the band object to this theory, as it goes against their Christian beliefs. The band insist that they were created in six days by God, and on the seventh day God created Nobody because he'd been working hard all week and needed a break. Nevertheless, many are still reluctant to accept this theory due to the common belief that Rolf Harris is God's father, and God could not have created his own father. If this had happened, it would have caused a malfunction in the time-space continuum, resulting in the immediate end of time itself.

[edit] History

Jay-Z released their first album, Dark Side Of The Moon, in June 1996, but it was quite unsuccessful due to lack of publicity, a low production budget and a lack of any talent whatsoever. In the following years, they continued to struggle, with singles such as Real Niggaz and Forgot About Dre barely scraping the US and UK single charts.

Persistence paid off though, as in 2007 the band collaborated with Fall Out Boy on their seventh release, Collision Course. This six-song EP originated after a few of Fall Out Boy's song's took a few of Jay-Z's songs on a night out, which resulted in new offspring. These six "hybrid" tracks rocketed both bands to immediate success, which only Nobody foresaw. This led to further work with acts such as Linkin Park, Beyonce and Charles Dickens. They maintained a high level of success for 30 years, with eight platinum-selling albums, but in 2038 the band broke up due to creative differences and Your mum's personal problems.

[edit] Experimentation

Over the course of their career, Jay-Z were praised for originality. Never content to produce the same product twice, Rolf Harris pushed the band in all kinds of directions. For example, on seventh album Raptor Jesus, the band made use of several unique instruments, including didgeridoo, banjo, brush and dustpan, frozen turkey and Microsoft Sam. In 2019 the band dared to release a hip-hop orientated album which they called Jay-Z: Unplugged. The album caused much controversy, with songs such as Ain't No Nigga and Jigga That Nigga resulting in uproar in many African-American communities. However, some commended Rolf on his insane lyrical style, and were impressed he could adapt so easily to the genre. This release earned Jay-Z a place in the Hip-hop Hall Of Fame, alongside other legends including 2pac and Donald Pleasance.

[edit] Rap Beef with Gerard Way

Long known by his fans as a hardcore defender of the North American homophobic tradition, Jay-Z has been involved in many so called "rap beefs".

More recently, however, Jay-Z has been involved in a more high profile beef, with Gerard Way, of the equally successful (but succinctly less hardcore) rap group, My Chemical Romance. The incident stems from an incident in which front[wo]man Gerard Way engaged in non-consensual (on the part of Jay-Z) sex. Jay-Z's feelings, understandably hurt by these actions, and Gerard's affiliation with the "East Coast", forced him to counter this violation by coining the line "I got a chemical romance, GOD save me from the Black Parade!"

This latest attack has caused many fans on both sides of the battle lines to say "Shit, son, that's hardcore!"

[edit] Reunion

Members of Jay-Z have been offered large sums of money to reunite for concerts and tours, however, the members turned these offers down. Rumours of bad blood between Ghandi and Your mum have circulated, yet the two individuals concerned insist they did nothing unorthodox that evening.

On Tomorrow, 2045, it was confirmed that Jay-Z would be headlining the Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival, however Your mum will not be appearing alongside her former bandmates due to continued personal problems. For all future Jay-Z activities, Your mum will be replaced on drums by Harry Potter and his magic drumsticks.

It has been prophesied that a Child of Destiny will settle the band down, and so far these rumors have been hinted at. When Your mum was asked if she was worried about that Child's possible power, all she would say was, "You must not know 'bout me. Now, to the left, please."