Jay Leno
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Jay Leno (also known as Chay Wenno) is the leering late-night leader of talk show hosts, known around the world for his Keroppi head (see image at right) and his ability to giggle and sneer at the same time. He is known for telling the longest Clinton joke in history. Every weeknight for the past twenty years, he has appeared on TV telling the same Clinton joke to a paying, enthusiastic audience of Hollywood tourists.
After his wife Mildred caught him sniffing the chair cushion Jessica Alba sat in, Leno had no choice but to live in the basement of the NBC Studios in Burbank, CA. In June 2008, in a pathetic attempt to look down the shirts of female celebrities, Leno was caught peeping through the air conditioner vent in the green room ceiling. He was fired in spite of lame attempts to claim he was changing a light bulb in the air vent. With his television career behind him, he currently submits articles to Popular Mechanics when he isn't lurking around acting like a dirty old man with very expensive candy.
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[edit] Late-Night Leno
“Did ya see this, did ya hear about this?”
~ Jay Leno on everything
Following a fifty-two-year stint on the road, serving as a stripper for the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, it was decided that Leno should temporarily host The Tonight Show until a more suitable replacement reared its ugly head. Rumor has it that NBC had narrowed the roll down to Sandra Bernhard, Arsenio Hall, Bill Maher, and Howard Stern. Leno continued with his hosting duties, bravely enduring a four-hour makeup session every morning in order to assume the persona of his alter-ego, Mr. Peanut.
Prior to this, Leno was the host of a short lived morning show Captain Kangaroo. That show was canceled after he was arrested for jacking off in the ticket line of an adult theater. The resulting scandal blacklisted Leno for several years. He was removed from the blacklist when Leno got Katie Couric to "sign his motorcycle."
After this Leno immediately and successfully auditioned for the part of Clint Eastwood in Dirty Harry. His convincing and austere portrayal of Clint as an maniacal clown cop who reluctantly trained dogs to satisfy a court order won pundits from several mental patients including (but not limited to) George Bush, Gerald Ford and Abraham Lincoln. The fact that the latter rose from the grave in zombie form to compliment Leno's touche further cemented Leno's reputation as one of the greatest Rear-Admirals in the history of the US Navy.
He is a distant relation of Conan O'Brien and Denis Leary but is less famous than they are.
[edit] Father (and Mother?) hood
Leno is rumored to have fathered three surrogate children with David Letterman, but Letterman denies this. Keep in mind, though, that Letterman denies everything. So, you know, believe whatever you want to believe when it comes to that devious motherfucker. [ed. note: This is Jay having a hissy fit over Letterman beating him by a fraction of a ratings point during "sweeps"). To this day, however, Leno claims that Letterman is his babydaddy (or babymomma, as the case may be)
The exact identity of the three children is a closely guarded secret. It is said that the binding of Leno's and Letterman's DNA in a single uterus has resulted in the birth of a new form of life unlike anything hitherto seen on this Earth. For this reason the leading suspect is Marilyn Monroe.
Many believe that Leno is the sperm donor of American Idol Season 5 Winner (not series, you British assholes) Taylor Hicks but others suspect George Clooney was the actual donor. However, Clooney denies this, and how could you not trust the handsome fool? He's like the favorite uncle who never gets married, rarely dates anyone, and takes Polaroid pictures of all the family kids at every family get-together. And he gives the best gifts so you have to love him no matter what you may hear later.
[edit] Battles with Bruce Campbell
It is a well known fact that Jay Leno and Bruce Campbell are bitter enemies, often arguing about who has the better chin. This argument reached a climax in what is now known as the Chin Wars. Leno is thought to have lost this battle, but anyone who has even hints that he did has been crushed to death by his massive chin. The lone exception to this is Gordon Freeman (see image at left), who chuckles every time he sees Jay.
[edit] Charity Work
Leno makes a whole shitload of money, most of which he gives away to deserving, underprivileged people like Bill Gates, Donald Trump and Oprah. He also has a large collection of cars, in which he likes to drive around Los Angeles and run over sorry-ass restaurant waiters who think they're going to be the next Tom Cruise. You might think this is mean-spirited, but it's not. He's actually sparing them a lifetime of rejection and misery by running them over, so "it's charity, motherfucker!" (ed. note: Leno likes to scream out "motherfucker" after successfully committing a fatal hit-and-run blow to another waiter on Melrose Avenue)
[edit] The Clinton Era
Soon after news of President Clinton's sex scandal emerged in the mainstream media, Leno found his calling. Every day since, he has told the infamous "Clinton Joke" to an enthusiastic audience. He is hailed as the inventor of the Clinton Joke, and has honed it throughout the years with each telling. Years after Clinton's term ended, Leno continued well into the next presidency, adapting current events to fit into a Clinton joke at least twice in one night. He was awarded the honorary Comedy Central "Comedic Achievement for Most Clinton Jokes in One Lifetime Award" in 2008.
Since then, Leno has retired to a humble village with his wife and airplane hangar of 1000+ cars, vowing never to appear on television again. He still tells his famed Clinton jokes to the locals, as well as his children and grandchildren, who will remember them for years to come.
[edit] Arnold Schwarzenegger voice impersonations
Jay Leno's habit of lapsing into nonsensical Arnold Schwarzenegger voice-overs like a Tourette's Syndrome victim were cited as the reason for his replacement of the Tonight Show host by Conan O'Brien in 2009. Critics have likened the impersonation to that of a drunken retarded walrus, or possibly a Bulgarian moose during mating season. Cable companies claim that within 5 seconds of these horrific imitations, 95% of the viewers flip the channel to Letterman.
[edit] Jay Leno's Chin No Longer A Planet
[edit] Memorable Quotes
- My hair looks like a skunk's, but then, you know...
- Remember when Clinton got a blowjob?
- Like that one time, when Clinton got a blowjob.
- I guess it's like that time Clinton got a blowjob.
- Did you ever hear about Clinton getting a blowjob?
- So I heard Clinton got a blowjob.
- That really blows, like that one time Clinton got a blowjob.
- Clinton got a blowjob.
- I know it's been fifteen years, but Clinton got a blowjob.
- Tell me if you've heard the one about Clinton getting a blowjob.
- Clinton got a blowjob?
- You know, have you ever ordered out at a Chinese restaurant? I once ordered some chow mein and the waiter was really nice with me, I got a discount and had a great walk through the nearby forest back to my house, oh, and Clinton got a blowjob.
- A story in the Boston Globe this morning. Ninety percent of nutritionists agree that Clinton got a blowjob.
- "In America, Clinton gets blowjob. In Russia, blowjob gets you."
[edit] Bibliography
- All My Clinton Jokes
- 501 Hilarious Clinton Jokes
- How I Got Started Telling Clinton Jokes
- Clinton Jokes: The Secret to Being a Real Comedian
- How to Tell a Clinton Joke (Illustrated)
- The Continued Evolution of the Clinton Joke Throughout Time, by Stephen Hawking
- I Like Motorcycles, and So Should You and Bill Clinton Joke Manual
- Monday is My Porn Night With More Bill Clinton Jokes
- Bill Clinton's Jaw of Destiny With More Bill Clinton Jokes
- How to Tell a Clinton joke: "Did you hear about the time Clinton got a blowjob?"
- "All Things Led Zeppelin," I mean "Jay Leno," I mean "Clinton," I mean...never mind
- When I Attacked and Raped My NBC Boss Bob Wright, by Jay Leno's Evil Twin
