Jazz
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“The kids, they listen to the rap music. That gives them the brain damage. With the hippin and the hoppin and the bippin and the boppin, so they don't know what the jazz is all about! You see, jazz is like jello pudding. No, actually its more like Kodak film. No, actually jazz is like the New Coke. It'll be around forever. Heh heh heh.”
~ Bill Cosby on Jazz
“Had I known what jazz was, I might have been a musician.”
~ Kenny G
| Mean Machine (audio) (file info) |
| A famous jazz song. |
Jazz, not to be confused with jizz, is a thick stream of sound that is produced by blowing on long tube-shaped things. It is often described as being white in color and is full of essential protein. Jazz is also not to be confused with scat, which while similar, is produced by vocal ejaculations and/or the movement of bowels.
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[edit] Etymology
During an especially boring performance of Paris Philharmonic, the stagehand fell asleep. It is told that his supervisor used to clap sharply in his hands to speed him up whenever he was working slow. So after the concert has ended, the roaring applause woke him up.
He was blinded by the stage lights and put on some sunglasses, lit his cigarette, and shuffled on stage to carry away the instruments after the show. However, another stage worker tried to hold him back. This caused him to stumble and fall into the drumset. The collapsing drumset hit a few saxophone players, who accidentally blew into their instruments.
When the initial shock subsided and everybody calmed down again, the stagehand (still under the collapsed drums) realized his mistake and exclaimed "Je'azz" (French for "I'm such a [dumb-] ass"). (See also The French language.)
The audience was excited about this coup de grâce because the concert had bored them stiff as well, and frantically applauded while chanting "Je'azz! Je'azz!"
The orchestra decided to leave classical music behind and concentrate on the new-born sound of "je'azz", and renamed itself to "Jeazz Instûmentalouè Sociête Savòyáble" (J.I.S.S). During the time, the silent "e" in "je'azz" was removed, because all musicians are lazy and didn't want to write something that wasn't heard anyway or as cool as two Zs in a row.
[edit] The History of Jazz
Early forms of jazz adhered to a strict set of forms; the modal minor, the discordant half-eighth, the squirrel, the Apex, and the angry haircut. These styles were subjected to some degree of scorn and derision by newcomers who rejected the old chord structures in favor of wandering around Paris smacked out of their heads, losing their trilbies and making a terrible mess of their waistcoats with soft cheese; none the less, such notables as Cyril "The Trumpet Player" Barnsley and "Hot Wee-Wee" Jefferson "The Cystitis Kid", managed to chuck out all manner of abrasive noise in the name of art until they were arrested, tried and hanged in April 1969. It was in honor of this event that President Richard "Bart Simpson" Nixon chose to outlaw art and culture in all forms in the United States.
Your mother played the piccolo and Justin Timberlake played the triangle. And the rest, as they say, is history.
“It really resonates with me.”
“The triangle player's pan-rhythimiko-psycodelic-atonality is very meditative.”
“Your triangle player resonates with me”
~ Your Mom
Despite early setbacks, jazz went on to become the second most complicated music to emerge from the United States, falling just short of progressive orchestral post-synth-punk. Unfortunately, this means that no one understands jazz except white liberals, black conservatives, and Stephen Hawking.
[edit] Famous Jazz Musicians
[edit] Wind instrumentalists
- Louis Armstrong. Famous for being the daughter of Neil Armstrong, and for having constipation issues while on stage.
- Miles Davis. Went to sea-sea-sea to see what he could see-see-see. There were no survivors.
- J.J. Johnson. Played the large instrument known as the TromBONER. Often considered to be compensating for something.
- Ornette Coleman. Famous for playing through a toy saxophone that was given to him at the age of six. He also wrote Free Jazz, a suite seen by many as a musical response to America's dropping the A-Bomb on Hiroshima.
- John Coltrane. Player of the SEXaphone, which was originally used in the same capacity as a blow-up doll until Coltrane decided to put his supreme love into it.
- Kenny G. Messenger of Hell.
[edit] Pianists
- The Notorious M.O.N.K. Piano player and beard lover.
- Herbie Hancock. Crazy pianist who ripped out his vocal chords and replaced them with a vocoder.
- Dave Brubeck, another crazy pianist who turned his own microwave into a time machine.
- Keith Jarrett, another crazy pianist who thinks grunting like monica seles when playing will help him win the set.
[edit] Guitarists
- Wes Montgomery. The ONLY jazz guitarist.
- Grant Green. No, just forget him.
- Kenny Burrel. Forget him too.
[edit] Double bassists and drummers
- Charles Mingus, -a, -um, Roman double bassist from the ancient Chinese Ming Dynasty. Writer of Epitaph, a needlessly long jazz orchestral composition.
[edit] General madmen
(all of the above + Kintaro Sakata)
Ironically, Jeffrey "Jazz" Townes (of Fresh Prince fame) was never a jazz musician. He preferred country.
[edit] Jazz Today
Jazz is hiding in a cave disguised as three different caves. Whenever anyone has attempted to contact Jazz it has responded with a boring, "Your mom". It is said that Jazz will emerge again once it realizes that the shadow on the cave wall is its own. Bill Cosby once tried to communicate with Jazz, because he knew what the jazz was all about, ya see. The conversation was going smoothly until Cosby proclaimed that Jazz was analogous to Kodak film, Jello Pudding Pops, and the New Coke, causing the understandably-confused Jazz to retreat back to the cave.
[edit] Smooth Jazz
Jazz is being threatened by this supposed form of "jazz". Smooth jazz is not jazz. It is more like some sort of damned soul music that wrote a poorly worded letter to the devil asking to be a rock group, thus resulting in their damnation. One of the fiends responsible for smooth jazz is Dave Koz. His name alone makes people cringe.
[edit] Jazz Speak
During the 1930s, jazz speak was very popular in the American lower class. Popular phrases/words are:
- cake-eater — A very handsome man with a cake fetish.
- dame — Derogatory term for females.
- boogie-woogie — The devil's jazz of the 1920s.
- cat(s) — A domesticated member of the genus feline.
- bad — Great.
- axe - A deodorant never used by jazz musicians
- wood shed - A butchering place for musical ideas
- skag, horse, h, smack - the great jazz musicians equivilent of m and m's which is distinct from scat singing which is jazz's version of eminems.
- stride — A piano style of backwoods pianists coming from a ragtime tradition and the way Dizzy Gillespie used to walk when chasing Bird on 52nd Street.
- cut — Depending on residence this word has several meanings. Cut (1) refers to the process of making a record (2) the process of besting another musician on the bandstand, and (3) what South African and Kiwi musicians call the domesticated member of genus feline (see above)
- money — also known as 'green', 'dough', 'bread' this word has no meaning in Jazz as the musicians rarely make any these days.
- digging the dots - the ability to read music (Special Note - this does NOT mean the player will play what is written just he knows what it is.
Categories: Jazz | Music
