Je (element)

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1 Elemental Jesus

[edit] Elemental Jesus

A molecule of this element

Factata:

Atomic Mass: 312
Neutrons: 42
Protons: 42 less than 312
Optimus Primes: 3
Vogons: 3.14159265358979323846264338327950
Density: 0.5 (walks on water)
Configuration: 4 arms: 2 real out-cloak and 2 magic in-cloak
Note, Mel Gibson has been known on at least one occasion to produce Hydro Jesusic Acid

[edit] Relative Elementality

	∞ Ba									2 He
1 L	2 Be	3 Br	4 C	5 Nu		6 O	7 F	8 Ne	9 Ci	10 Je	-1 Po

[edit] Introduction

Elemental Jesus is the holiest of all the periodic dining table of elements, and also by far the least metallic. It is the primary constituent of all Compound Jesii, and as a result of its highly theistic Atomic Number, possesses a number of intriguing, yet useless properties.

[edit] Synthesis

Elemental Jesus was discovered by researchers at the University of Colorado, while trying to find a cure for Scientology. In fact, Elemental Jesus is the cure!

[edit] Properties of Elemental Jesus

Highly Hydrophobic. All Compound Jesii can walk on water.
Highly Arachnophilic. All Compund Jesii are fuelled by an internal supply of spiders.
Aroma of Chorizo. Reasons unknown, but may be due to theoactive decay into the more evil elements of Paprika (Pa) and Sausagium (Wu).
Has antigravitic properties. Often causes ascensions, and the impression of being high. No relation to kitten huffing whatsoever.
Known to aggravate Romans. May have something to do with kitten huffing.
Has inability to swim in water but can do so in wine.

[edit] Uses of Elemental Jesus

Besides the construction of all known Compound Jesii, Elemental Jesus has been extensively used in the construction of Portable Music Theft Devices, a practice started when Steve Jobs was borne by a virgin Huffed Kitten from which he supped Je-rich milk from her saggy feline teat.

[edit] Price and Availability

$1.49 for 128 fl. oz., enough to transubstantiate four minor Jesii.

Jesus Dioxide under a holy electron microscope

[edit] Compound Jesii

Elemental Jesus may bond with two atoms of oxygen to form Jesus Dioxide.

The following Compound Jesii are known to be constructed primarily of Elemental Jesus:

v • d • e

The Sacred Host of Minor Jesii

Fear their wrath, and beware their confusing names. If you are confused about which one you want, it's probably Original Jesus.
Sony Jesus: With a Playstation Crown of Thorns	Invented economic theory: Supply-side Jesus
Jesus of Nazareth: Singer and Songwriter	The Passion of the Jew: Kyle Broflovski
Dark Jesus: Parallel Universe Jesus	Something musical: The Artist Formerly Known As Jesus
Jesus Christ - Alcoholic: Just like daddy.	Member of the Carpenters: Jeez
King Jesus: That's sire to you, boy	Semi-Jesus anthropormorphic personification:Messiah
Purple Jesus: International Man of Mystery and funkmaster extraordinare	Working class hero and modern day sage: Jesus Fucking Christ
Pirate Ninja Jesus: Bringing Peace to Pirates and Ninjas	Sabbath Night Fever: Disco Jesus
Super Jebus: Western Sydney pimp	He screams! He sells! His head EXPLODES! Billy Mays
Jesus Marx: Illegal Commie Clone	Elemental Jesus: Je (element)
Republican Jesus: Has a "W" sticker on his SUV	An alpha prototype Christ: Jesus 1.5a
Hide and Go Jesus: The hardest one to find	That one in that band...Nightmare Cinema or something: Jesus LaBrie
Hardcore Jesus: Two-Stepped his way to Hardcore-heaven	Moshed his way to Metal-heaven: Metal Jesus
Jihad Jesus: جهاد عيسي	Raise one family and you will be a believer: Pet Jesus
Stephen Colbert: Smiting Bears for in God's name	Patron Jesus of Crocodiles: Steve Irwin
Ultimate Jesus: Designed by God to be the ultimate fighting machine	He's blonde, cultish, and believes in racial purity. No, it's not a Nazi, it's: Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints
MC Jesus: The Jewish Rap Sensation	Blue in hue and bereft of beard too: Bizarro Jesus
Lobster Jesus: Boiled for your sins!	Bow to ye savior or walk the plank ye scurvy dogs: Captain Jesus