Sartre
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“Je pense, donc je suis absurde.”
~ Sartre on Beings-for-themselves
Jean Paul Sartre was one of the foremost philosophers of the twentieth century, which is really not saying all that much. If he'd perhaps been a race car driver or an astronaut, he'd be a major celebrity but as it is, he's just a minor ripple in the churning ocean of our celebrity driven culture. If he is remembered at all today, it is primarily for his speculations on cheese and passing references to him by pretentious pricks.
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[edit] Early Years
Jean-Paul Sartre was born in France in the aftermath of the Communard uprising, and witnessed the execution of Jimmy Somerville. From birth onward, he exhibited a lightning fast intellect, an acute sense of man's insignificance in the wider world, and the ability to process experience into words like the proverbial "merde a travers d'un oye."
He liked to SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH a lot, a major factor in developing his lazy eye.
He was a first class student at the Ecole Normale Mediocre, winning prize after prize after prize for a variety of submitted papers and other contests in suck-uppery. In spite of, or perhaps because of, this early academic success, he was pummeled ruthlessly by his fellow students. These experiences would be recounted years later in Sartre's most famous play, "Les Condamnes de Give Me Back My Lunch Money."
It was also at the Mediocre that he met the woman who would become his lifelong goddess, muse and dustbin, Simone de Beauvoir. Beauvoir was two years behind Sartre academically, but light years ahead of him socially. Through her he secured invitations to Parisian society parties, including the legendary Balle Contre Le Mur. He also had his first sexual experience. De Beauvoir would immortalize this in her memoirs, years later, saying:
"Meh."
During the war, Sartre was a member of the French Resistance. The plays he wrote and staged and starred in during this time may have hastened the fall of the Vichy Government by a full three minutes.
[edit] The Mohammed of Existentialism
Ah, Paris after the war. Was there ever a better time to be alive and hopeless? Sartre quickly ascended to the rank of France's leading pubic intellectual, due to the publication of the first existentialist salvo against Western consciousness, "The Electromagnetic Properties of Cheese." It was not long before Sartre had taken up residence at the Doupole and the Comb cafes, scribbling furiously on menus and arguing with his many acolytes, among them a young Allergen named Albert Camus.
He and de Beauvoir defined the terms of their special relationship during this period. According to the terms of this pact, Sartre was to occupy an apartment at 71, Rue de Feuillantines on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, and every alternate Sunday. De Beauvoir would occupy the apartment the rest of the time. The rent was split 52%-48%, with the foodstuffs budget split 50% to 50%. Utilities were to be paid, however on the 52%-48% ratio. They also agreed that any foodstuffs in the refrigerator longer than three weeks would have to be thrown out, unless they were CLEARLY LABELLED. They would meet once a week to settle their debts with one another. Then Sartre would have sex with some piece of young French tail.
Sartre developed significant ties with other intellectuals of his period, including Sigmund Freud, Bertrand Russell, Jean Merlot-Ponty, Isaac Hayes, Fidel Castro, and Ted Nugent.
[edit] Philo-Boxing
It was under the influence of Sigmund Freud and Ted Nugent that Sartre developed Philo-Boxing, a sport that combines the vicious debating tactics of Socrates and the bloody art of Drunken Irish Bare Knuckle Boxing.
In 1946 after defeating Heavy Weight Champion, Albert "Sisyphus" Camus, he refused to accept the nobel championship belt claiming, "Every Philo-Boxer simply is in the ring; what type of boxer we will be is entirely up to us." He later admitted to David Lettermen that even he didn't know what he was saying, "But since [he's] French whatever [he] is saying is much more intelligent than anything any stupid American can sloppily utter, you fat, ignorant pig."
[edit] Being and Nothingness and Fondue
In 1959, Sartre completed his masterwork, Being and Nothingness and Fondue. It is nothing short of a comprehensive analysis of the fundamental sources of morality and discourse in human society, and fondue. Sartre's central argument, dazzlingly simple yet luminescently and luminously illuminating, is as follows:
1: Man is born alone
2: Man is born with a consciousness of his fellow man.
3: Man is engaged in the phenomenology of social...wait a minute, this one's kind of tricky...the phenomenology of the consciousness of...well, take my word for it, it's brilliant.
4: You know what, I won't even bother with this one. You try reading it and seeing what sense you can make of it. If you can figure it out, my hat is off to you.
5: Dip the bread into the melted cheese.
[edit] Old Age: "I Can't Whack It Like I Used To"
Sartre, enfeebled by a lifelong addiction to amphetamines, cigarettes, and those little meatballs on toothpicks, spent the majority of his later years on the toilet. He wrote widely on matters he was not at all qualified to speak of, including open heart surgery, nuclear physics, and the place of the toenail in later Attic poetry. De Beauvoir was at his side during much of this time, jabbing knitting needles into his leathery flesh to ensure he did not lose consciousness.
[edit] Death: "I Can't Whack It At All Now"
On January 6, 1980, Sartre, after a long, stressful night of writing, calmly put away his papers, sat on the foot of his bed, crushed out a cigarette, removed his glasses, and lay down, falling asleep instantly. At 7:30 on the morning, as the first rays of the morning sun crept into his abode, Jean Paul Sartre continued sleeping.
Some time later he was run over by a streetcar.
[edit] Jean Paul Sartre Episode IV, A New Beginning
In death, Sartre was larger and more interesting than life. He published several of his own posthumous works, including a best selling cookbook, and became the host of Uncle Croc's Block, a Saturday morning television cartoon. He currently divides his time between Miami Beach and decomposition.
He remains a hardass.
