Jean Claude Van Damme

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“I think...that he has too many names.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Jean Claude Van Damme

“Hyahh! Shut up you filthy gaijin!”

~ Jean Claude Van Damme on Gaijins

Jean Claude Van Damme is the only Frussiamerican samurai in existence. He trained with the Ecchigawa (translated to perverted kingdom in Japanese)for his whole life. As a baby, his body was thrown from North Korea to Japan by his father, who just so happens to be Steven Seagal's father as well. His father was in a drunken/steroid rage while he threw his son across the Forgotitsname ocean. He claims to have mistook his child for an alpaca in the Alpaca Throwing competition that they hold every year in North Korea. He was then disqualified because he was dunk/steroided. The Claude has appeared in films such as Sinbad: The Under Water Menace, and Oops I've Got an Erection!

Due to the enormous popularity of his films which have contributed to and decreasing world hunger,decreasing violence and combatting pollution and AIDS in the world today, Claude started his own band "The black silky underwears" in order to combat the horrifying epidemic that has plagued the world today Bad acting.

Contents 1 Early Life 2 3 Ninjas 3 Post- ninja days 4 Quotes

[edit] Early Life

The Claude lived in Japan and studied the marital arts and how to wear tight pants. At the age of 12 he was sexually assaulted by his sensei and after this incident, was very exited about private lessons. He was unable to learn Japanese because of the birth defect he had because his mother hung out with Mao Zaydong and drank too much ouzo in Greece. The Claude could only talk a mixture of French, Russian, and English all his life, and many talk-show hosts pretended to understand him. The only Japanese Claude could speak were the words Konichiwa and the ever popular phrase " Giaka Giaka" (Made famous by the scared citizens of Tokyo in Godzilla) The Japanese trained him everyday by making him eat crappy dumplings and then having him run around until he threw them up. Eventually he lost all of his taste buds and this is the reason he set up the organization You Should Feel Bad For ME fund(YSBFM). Later on he was discovered by an American filmmaker by kicking him in the balls and then sptting in his face and calling him a "filthy gaijin."

[edit] 3 Ninjas

Jon Turteltaub (no, I did not make up his name) was the American filmmaker and wanted Jean Claude to be Kid Ninja #2 in his movie Three Ninjas.The action in the movie was Home Alone-esque, and include tweens beating the crap out of middle-aged men. Much to their dismay, this movie did not win any of the Oscars that the crew and actors said it would. This sent Jon Turteltaub in to a Great Depression and he threw Jean out on the streets.

“I love karate, it's like a bible to me. But deep inside I'm so I mean, I'm so sensitive.”

~ Jean Claude Van Damme on Jean Claude Van Damme

[edit] Post- ninja days

In a state of deep depression, the Claude and his bottle of Prozac crossed the Atlantic Ocean via sailboat and hiked through Europe to Russia where he was found and trained by the KGB. Jean was kidnapped by the KGB and tried to resist by shoving Prozac down their throats, but all this did was make them happy and gentler as they put a bag over The Claude's head. At the training facility he was taught to fight and kill, not just swing nunchucks around and try to scare his enemy. Jean tortured American spies, just like what happens in the movies! You know how the American won't say anything and he displays that regularly. And then the torturer (Jean Claude) breaks the guy's fingers and stuff. And finally, The American gives fake information and Jean Claude reports it to his superior and then they torture Jean Claude...it's an ongoing circle, still going on today.

[edit] Quotes

• "I am Van Damme - I kick all the guys asses, and take all their girlfriends"
• "You, get out of ma way!"
• "You'll pay for this BISON!"
• "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"
• "Is that a threat?"
• "Can't you see whats going on here? This man is dying!"
• "Can't you see whats going on here? This man is dead!"
• "Can't you see whats going on here? This woman is dead!"
• [Head butt]
• "I am Van Damme - Thats why all my movies have the same basic concept"
• "I deserved an OSCAR for 'Double Impact', I played two 'extremely different' characters "