Jehovah's Witnesses

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Jehovah's Witnesses.

“Discussing with Jehovas Witnesses is like writing on the internet. Irony is wasted, unless it's roaming irony from hell”

~ Oscar Wilde on Jehovas Witnesses

A Jehovah's Witness sharing the good news with a guy in a park.

Jehovah's Witnesses are a league of defense witnesses in a divine trademark dispute case ongoing in Syria, Israel, the United States of America, Japan, and other Middle Eastern Semitic countries.

1 Origins
2 How to defend against Jehovah's Witnesses
3 Teeeeechings
4 How to become A Jehova's Witness
5 Terminology

[edit] Origins

According to experts, Jehovah's first witness was a disgruntled Seventh Day Adventist named Charles Taze Russell who combined Seventh Day Adventist's philosophy with theologies of Mary Queen of Scots and repackaged them as his own. He actually had no knowledge of Jehovah, but knocked on the courtroom door in order to try to sell books, at which point Jehovah's lawyer, Lionel Hutz, quickly dragged him in and put him on the stand.

[edit] How to defend against Jehovah's Witnesses

Any sensible human should have a glass box next to their door full of items to protect them and their family from these relgious nutters. Some items vital in this kit are a long stick with a knife on the end, a bible and a source of fire to really piss them off, (Jehova's Witnesses do not believe in wood and therefore do not see it, allowing you to stab or violate them with the knife.) a bowl of holy water to splash them with, causing them to fall to the floor in extreme pleasure, and a heathen on a skateboard, which you can push out the door. They will immediately chase after the heathen, attempting to convert it. If all else fails, simply brandish something yellow at them. They will be filled with terror, and scream their retreat call ("Jehovah's witnesses, it's morphing time!") and turn into large lizards, which are immune to gravity. They will fall into the sky and you can resume your daily activities.

Or, just say you're a satanist , Buddhist, or a witch, it works quicker. (And they won't come back.) Better yet, they'll drop all the change they have as they flee from their newfound nemesis. A downside would be that they might call in the god fearing cavalry to convert your unholy ass.

[edit] Teeeeechings

Some Seventh Day teachings stolen and repackaged includes the Disappointment of 1844 and the slogan "Off with her head!" as well as Queen Mary's tenets of imprisoning and/or beheading members who challenge church authority. Charles Taze Russell also stated that the Great Pyramids of Egypt predicted a huge event would occur in 1914. In 1914, when World War I started, he was quoted as saying, "I told you so."

When reminded that he didn't include a zero year on his calculation, (If correct, would have predicted something really big happening in 1915) Russell quickly chopped off the arm of the dissender, drained their blood, threw the poor soul in the hospital, and informed the doctor that the dissender is a Jehovah's Witness and not to replace their blood; a practice that's done to dissenders to this day. The practice, originally known as "dis-membershipping" is now known today as "disfellowshipping".

You are allowed to have your arm re-inserted after a punitive period that lasts for at least 6 months. That practice, known as "re-insertion" is now known as "re-instation".

The people who survived dismembershipping and saw through the pyramid theory realized how much money could be made off of gullible idiots and started their own churches in abandoned Wal-Marts and circus tents, but the people who stayed behind were due for some more nonsense.

A woman named Cherri, is an example of a jehovas witness. She believes that dinosaurs were in around Nohas time. Or a previous witness is Michal Jackson referred himself as a jo-ho-ho-wit-no

use a in emerdgensy Chainsaw that you kan bay from Bruse Campels company ore from Stan Willjams

[edit] How to become A Jehova's Witness

You are probably wondering, hey, Jehova's Witnesses are cool!Well that is true. But, if interested, read these simple steps to become one. First:You must wait until the correct time when all the planets line up at exactly midnite.(This will happen 0n 6-6-06 a thousand years from now). Second:Read from the Sacred Necronomicon and raise the undead leader of the Jehova's Witness: Bruce Lee's Zombie Third:Sign his cursed contract that is made from the skin of a thousand tortured souls with your own blood.(Animal blood prohibited) Fourth:Promise Bruce your first born child to take on as his own, and transform it into A Jehova's Witness soldier. Which is a cyborg undead ninja from space. Fifth: You will absolutely HAVE to promise to wear the black cloak(included) to EVERY religious ceremony held deep in the woods. Sixth:Abandon your previous life and begin anew in Castle Jehova and live with us. Seventh:Now you begin your transformation into a JW by eating a piece of hitlers soul and you will gain the Power to transform into a large lizard immune to gravity with 25,000 hp and 500 mp and 67 strength points. Eighth:Enjoy being a Jehova's Witness!!!

[edit] Terminology

Guide to Jehovah's Witness Terminology:

Kingdom Halls - Long corridors to you know who...
Watchtower Bible And Tract Society - The Head Office that people think they brainwash other people but actually brainwash them into making this article more confusing