Jennifer Aniston
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| Date of birth: | February 11, 1969 | |
| Birth location: | Sherman Oaks, California, United States | |
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| Bra size: | 34B | |
| Implants: | No | |
| Spouse: | Brad Pitt (2000-2005) | |
“A woman of no importance!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Jennifer Aniston
“I'd love to see her as a dominatrix!.With ME!”
~ random masochistic coffee addict
“I think I STILL prefer Brad Pitt. Sorry.”
~ Vince Vaughn on what Jennifer prefers
“More knuckle sandwiches coming up”
~ Angelina Jolie on Jennifer Aniston
“She's TOTALLY HOT.”
~ That horny dude from... that thing. on Jennifer Aniston
“I left her for a better woman!”
“Slut! I say this, because exactly how many men has she slept with?”
“I saw her naked.”
~ Me on Internet Porn
Genevieve-Jennifer-Stacey-Rachel-Dora-Rachel Aniston (commonly referred to as Jennifer Maniston or CryBaby) is a well known circus freak reject posing as an actress. Most renowned from her peculiar, lion-like face, surprisingly small breasts, super hair and her work on Friends, in which she "acted". Her father, John Aniston, also "acts" on the daytime drama "Days Of Our Lives" as a walking corpse named Victor Kiriakis. Her mother is God-knows-who and does God-knows-what. She is currently going out with marijuana activist Mark Emery, who met her in a thirty-four on one gangbang John Mayer, her pet dog.
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[edit] Controversy and strife
The controversy surrounding Jennifer Aniston began in 2002, when a sex-tape involving Aniston and a piece of toast surfaced on the internet. Despite today's leading scientists confirming that the woman in the video was not Jennifer Aniston, but actually B-Movie star Bruce Campbell, it still remains one of the most frequently downloaded videos to this day.
In the early 80s, Jennifer Aniston turned to piracy, which skyrocketed her career to new heights. Serving as cabin-boy on her pirate ship, she eventually led a mutiny against Captain Crunch and was named its new captain. She was listed in People Magazine's "Top Ten Pirates" article for three years in a row, until she accidentally killed her entire crew in an incident involving a dead moose and a can of beans.
Recently there has been some controversy about her expulsion of Brad "The Arm" Pitt. By some reports, Pitt awoke one morning, and in a haze of sobriety recognized Aniston more closely resembled an Afghan hound than a Hollywood hottie. Other reports indicated that Aniston was finally able to see past her snout-like nose to notice she couldn't distinguish the difference between Pitt and the Queen Anne Chair in the corner of her living room. The two split out of mutual disgust and boredom.
As a result of her split with the aforementioned Pitt, Aniston has developed a new direction to her career ... that of human waterfall. The lazier of the paparazzi have taken to staying near Aniston when they are expecting more good news from the PR machine of Pitt and Jolie, knowing that this will result in a levy-rupturing flood of tears every time. The downside of this is that those photographers are easily identifiable as they are forced to work in hip waders and sou'westers.
"Perhaps Jennifer Aniston divorced Brad Pitt because he grew tired of her pussy. It is not a very interesting pussy, after all. No one would ever know for sure...except that we have the pictures." said a reporter from "the pussyXpres"
Considering she is single why does she not give us her number so we can take her out for a date? Aniston is happy and content to be in the company of her pet dog, John Mayer.
She has prayed to Morgan Freeman (who is of course God) to give her special powers so she can go around and wipe the floor with Angelina Jolie, but so far these prayers have not been answered.
[edit] When People Still Cared
people used to care about jen, when she was on friends and dated Brad Pitt. she still lives in that world, also known as the 6th dimention. All the damn coverage about her divorce is overexposed. We know the big lipped monster took Brad, we know it's over, just leave her alone already.
[edit] Age and multiple surgeries
Jennifer is at least in her 40's and still thinks that people are following her around taking pictures of her, so she et botox injections at least once a week. jen , unlike rival Angelina Jolie, has had multiple nose jobs and has had her whole face re constructed. she is just trying to look younger that jolie but will never succeed.she dates guys that are in their 20's to look younger, but she dosnt get that it makes her look older. the surgeries did nothing.
[edit] Jolie vs. Aniston
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|---|---|---|---|---|
| Age | ageless | your grandpa's type | ||
| Height | varying | 2'7 | ||
| Weight | 9652lbs | 1/2 micro lb | ||
| Born | Of a man | In a mansion | ||
| Income | $1 per blowjob | $10000 per episode | ||
| Ex | Billy Bob Thornton | Brad Pitt | ||
| Plus points | Bald shiny pussy is easy to go down on | Has a nice rolls AND a nice rack | ||
| Weak Points | Emo wrist slasher | Lack of ass hard to grip | ||
| Sexuality | Hotness. | Bestiality. Nice boobies >3 | ||
| What would happen if these 2 have a catfight | She would lose | She would have an orgasm.(So YOU would win) | ||
| Best Friends | Ethnic Orphans | Courtney Cox | ||
| Enemies | Non- adoptive campaigns | All her Exs | ||
| Why we like her | HOT BODY! | She was in friends | ||
| Most famous for Portraying | Lara Croft and...erm.... | FRIENDS!!! | ||
| Now dating | Brad Pitt | No one and shes better off. | ||
| Children | Bunch of ethnic children she nicked from Cambodia | None |
[edit] Filmography
- Hitchhikers Guide to Whining (2008) ... As herself
- Definitely NOT a Friends Reunion (2008) .... As anybody but Rachael
- Not Wanted by anyone (2007) ... As herself
- Face Smeared in the Dirt by Angelina (2007) ... As herself
- The Break Up (2006) ... As herself
- Rumour has it that Angelina is going to kick her ass (2005) ... As herself
- Derailed relationships (2005) ... As herself
- The Break Up - Jennifer Aniston Life Story (2005) ... As herself
- The Zutons (2004) ... Russell Pritchard
- Hermans Bed (1993) ... Herman's whore
- Jennifer Aniston And Toast Sex-Tape (1912) ... as Bruce Campbell
