Jeremy Beadle
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“Beadles About? About What? I don't get it.”
“Who's this? It's me in a fake Brian Blessed-sized beard, sunglasses and a peaked cap pretending to be a bloody traffic warden again”
~ Jeremy Beadle on one of his most hilarious pranks
Jeremy Beadle, aka Jezzers, aka Bezzers was a British TV personality known for his beard, his taste for practical jokes and his beard. At one point he was voted the most hated man in Britain, ahead of even Saddam Hussein; this was because he had recently gassed even more Kurds than Saddam did and, unlike Saddam, did it in front of a studio audience for laughs. Sick fuck.
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[edit] Origins
Jezzer was conceived at Bristol Zoo sometime between 1943 and 1947. It is believed that at least one of the parents is a Penguin, and recent DNA tests (Performed by Jerry Springer) proved that the other parent was indeed Noel Edmunds. Shunned from a young age by both parents and peers, by the age of 5 Jeremy was urinating in car exhausts and replacing bottles of milk with bottles of LSD. This outburst of creativity landed Jeremy his first job, with Channel 4.
[edit] Hand
“Jeremy Beadle had a small penis. On the other hand it's massive.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Beadle's cock
Jeremy was working as a tour guide for school groups in a cereal factory. Along with several other visitors who also lost limbs, Jeremy lost his hand in an accident when a machine that boxed shreddies went haywire during the visit. Unfortunately, during the surgery, the doctors mistakenly reattached the arm of an 8 year old catholic schoolgirl.
[edit] TV Career
Jeremy found fame with his first series Jezzers Gonna Get Ya, where Jeremy would hide in dustbins, jumping out and waving his deformed hand at unsuspecting passers by. The series won an unprecedented twenty BAFTAs and thirteen Golden Globes, and was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize in 1986.
Jeremies second series, Voyeurism For Laughs, was less well received, but gained a cult following that still exists today in some parts of the UK, going by the name "Happy Slapping". In a 2002 interview, Beadle said of the show "I just wanted to get some videos of dirty slags, that's all it was".
He is most well-remembered (especially by the residents of psychiatric wards) for his long-running ITV show Beadle's About. After the eponymous host had got over ITV's mis-naming of the show (he had wanted it to be called Beadle's A Boat and to feature him disguised as a minesweeper, ramming pedalos) it settled into a familiar format of pranks played on members of the public. Many of these pranks have entered British folklore including:
- Beadle's having a postman taken away and tortured by the "KGB" (actually prisoners on day-release who were fans of the show) for information that didn't exist (1987)
- The bombing of a house in rural Wiltshire whilst the victim believed their new car was in the garage (it was later revealed by Beadle that, in fact, only their family had been present) (1989)
- The invasion of Kuwait whilst the victim, the Emir of Kuwait, looked on in horror (Beadle admits that the dictator he hired for this prank "took things way too far") (1990)
In one instance, Jeremy set fire to a disabled man's car, house and partner, but forgot to turn the cameras on. The episode was re-shot with a new family.
Although cruel, all of these are okay because the victim laughed in the studio with Beadle afterwards.
In the early 1990s, Beadles enjoyed presenting duties on the frankly worthless ITV home-video show You've Been Fucked before handing over presenting duties to that bird from Emmerdale Farm. It is now presented by living egg Harry Hill. Said Beadle "It's shit now that I'm not on it. You can quote that. I fucking hate everyone involved. Everyone.". The famous "wonky house" set from which he presented the show became Beadle's actual home after he left the series until his death. It has subsequently been destroyed.
Jeremy bowed out of the limelight in 1995 with his last series, Touch My Hand. The show ran for 207 episodes, until a viewer complained that she was disgusted and sickened. This caused Jeremy to have a breakdown, and ultimately, ended his TV career.
[edit] After Television
After coming through a major Heroin and Lucky Charms addiction following the axing of his final series, Jeremy became a recluse. In 2004, he was found huddled under a pile of leaflets in a park in Newcastle. When approached, Jeremy made a hissing sound and ran away on all fours.
However it was not all fun and games for poor beadle... disgusted by his own deformity he sought the help of professionals. However, after a botched surgery his other hand was also deformed and significantly resembles the Japanese eagle claws scrotum.
In 2005, Beadle's autobiography On The Other Hand was published. It was written in short hand.
Jeremy Beadle was named a saint by the Anglican Church in 2006, due to his healing hands, which when licked can heal all injuries. Including his own but he won't lick them as his powers will disappear and on top of this they are fucking sick (they taste like reused condoms).
[edit] Death
His time had come. On the clock on the wall, it was, as predicted - 13:05. The big hand on the 5, the little hand on the one.
His cremation was shown live on ITV1 entitled Beadle's About - To Be Cremated. His ashes were then be scattered across Queens Park Rangers football ground, The ground is soon to be renamed "You've Been Flamed".
The Queen had been invited to attend Beadle's cremation but she never turned up and was later quoted saying "Of course I wasn't going to attend that revolting creature's funeral, his hand was an insult to the United Kingdom and thank God it too has been cremated."
[edit] Trivia
- Jeremy stated under oath that his fantasy was to eat his own penis, in front of his extended family, on Christmas morning.
[edit] Wisdom
- On Liver Transplants - "I like them really, because it means I can drink deep into the night without worrying so much."
- On Hitler - "Not bad as a leader, but his facial hair is nothing compared to mine."
- On Deformed Hands - "I'd rather not talk about it."
- On Smoking - "If you give a thousand monkeys a thousand cigarettes, most of the monkeys will smoke. That says a lot about monkeys."
- On Practical Jokes - "They're funnier the crueler they are. Putting a water-filled bucket on top of a door is funny but doing it to someone with AIDS carrying live electrical equipment - now that's good television no matter what the police say!"
- On Noel Edmonds - "I love him like you love an STD. Only kidding you crinkly arse face! Daddy!"
[edit] See also
| Preceded by: Newbold | Line of Succession to the British Throne | Succeeded by: The Hon. Charles Armstrong-Jones |
