Jeremy Bernal
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“LOL furries!”
~ Oscar Wilde on furries
“Jeremy Bernal is a furry artist.”
~ Captain Obvious on Jeremy Bernal
“Fuck Bernal! FUCK HIM! Fuck him in the ass with a big rubber dick!”
~ George Carlin on Jeremy Bernal
Contents |
[edit] About Jeremy Bernal and his Parents
Jeremy W. Bernal is a renowned furry artist. Ew, furries. He was briefly a professional peeping tom. Jeremy was born in 1936 to wealthy kitten huffing parents. His father, Corncob Burn-All, was of Indian heritage, and his mother, Schvartzenfrauhleinadolfschwarzeneggar Rofflebob, was very German. They passed on the art of kitten huffing to their only son before they passed away, but they had pissed away everything he would have inhereted on fresh kittens.
[edit] Early Life
Jeremy was an odd child growing up. His only friends were his two pet potatos, Cream and Cheese, which he had dressed up in Barbie doll clothing. He was devastated when the family dog ate them both, and never really was the same. Christmas that year, 1948, he got a young artist kit. Reportedly, he "wanted a goddamn puppy", but he soon found that he enjoyed painting. He never showed his art to anyone, but one day, his mother caught him drawing a vagina. After that point, he was very kept to himself, and would frequently huff some kittens and cut his wrists, while listening to Slipknot.
[edit] The Breakthrough
One day in 1967, (which Jeremy used a wormhole conveniently hidden under his huffed kitten pile to get to) while Jeremy was huffing kittens with his hippie friends, The Beatles, Jeremy started to draw a naked anthropomorphic sewage-green female bunny doing several impure things with a dildo, and The Beatles loved it. Jeremy named the character Sasha, and her face was well-hidden on the Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band album cover. Using another wormhole which he found, this one on the crotch of Ringo's pants, he came to 1996. He opened up his own website, a really expensive pay-only furry hentai site, with a Nazi theme. It was called SexyFuhrer.com, and featured many typically slutty, but nonetheless popular, characters.
[edit] SexyFuhrer.com Characters
- Sasha - Jeremy's sewage-green bunny. She's a porn star.
- Champagne - A blonde vixen. She's a stripper. Can you say bimbo?
- Dawn - A Collie who's also a Texan cowgirl. But you never really see her dressed as a cowgirl, because she loves to be naked. Especially outside.
- Miami - A skunk/wolf hybrid, with really loud neon hair. She's usually naked for... No particular reason.
- Gunbunny - A lighter-sewage colored bunny who has guns and combat armor. ...And she likes to be naked. Oh, and she likes tentacle monsters.
- Rosalie - A wolf. Full name, Rosalie Barr. She just likes to be naked. Do you smell a pattern here?
[edit] Getting Clean
Bernal realized, after the fame and fortune that SexyFuhrer.com brought him, that he needed to stop huffing kittens. He made an announcement on his MySpace, in the form of an MP3:
My fans, it has come to my attention that my kitten huffing tendencies are out of control. I realize it has cut severely into my work, and many of you are upset at the recent lack of animal poontang. I'm proud to announce that starting now, I'm going clean! *A muffled meow is heard, followed by a deep exhale* Mmmm, that's some good pussy. ...Oh, right. Uh, I'm quitting as soon as I run out of kittens. ...Yeah.
[edit] Sobriety
When Jeremy finally sobered up and stopped huffing, he found his life so much more enriched. Using the money he saved from not buying kittens, he bought all the things he needed and wanted. This list includes the following items.
- A mansion in Mexico
- A town in Mexico
- Mexicans
- A goddamn puppy
- An imitation Chuck Norris beard
- Potatoes
- Uncyclopedia
- Barbie and Ken doll clothing
- Ringo Starr
- The Pope
- And a partridge in a pear tree
[edit] His Brief Stint As A Peeping Tom
Bernal became a peeping tom after taking a short hiatus from SexyFuhrer. He was at the top of the peeping tom field, despite his short time with that profession. He was almost impossible to catch on film, and seen below are some rare "B-Peeps".
 A B-Peep caught by a maid. |
 An extremely rare "B-Peep In Time". |
[edit] Encounter With The Prince Of Darkness
Jeremy earned himself a visit from Satan one day. Based on Jeremy's recollection of the events, here's how it happened.
Jeremy: I said I wanted the new Barbie doll convertable! Mexican: ¡Estoy apesadumbrado! ¡No estaba disponible! ¡Perdóneme por favor! Jeremy: KEEP YOUR GIBBERISH TO YOURSELF! *Smacks the Mexican around* *Satan appears* Satan: Jeremy, you be comin' with me. Be needin' you to step through me portal.
While Satan had to condemn Bernal's soul, for both the naughty pictures and the Mexican abuse, they made fast friends.
[edit] Current Whereabouts
Jeremy Bernal currently resides in the core of the Earth with Satan, and they have sleepovers every night. They usually have pillow fights.
