Jeremy Clarkson
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“We are all lying in the gutter, staring at the stars, but we run the risk of being run over by Jeremy Clarkson.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Jeremy Clarkson
“It's not homophobic to hate gays.”
~ Jeremy Clarkson on homosexuals
“POWEERRRR!”
~ Jeremy Clarkson on Emperor Palpatine
“It moves like a puma...... on speed!”
~ Jeremy Clarkson on everything else
“If this simile was a form of cheese... it would be Camembert!”
~ Jeremy Clarkson on his tendency to overuse similes
“There's Jeremy Clarkson”
~ Captain Obvious on Jeremy Clarkson
“I have an erection!”
~ Jeremy Clarkson on the Peel p50
Considered to be one of the finest and least sophisticated mouths in Europe, and renowned for his “muffin-top” physique and pyramid-sized modesty, Jeremy Charles Powerrr Clarkson was just a small-time magazine journalist before becoming the principal presenter of Top Gear, the greatest tv show ever made. The programme includes many reviews on very fast and expensive cars and includeds guest appearances from the stig,AKA; Robert Dunphy.
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[edit] Biography
Jeremy Clarkson motored out of the womb of Kelly Clarkson on April 11, 1960, in Doncaster Hospital's cleaners’ cupboard. Some suggest this birth location led to the cultivation of the curly hair that would set him up for fame as a human cleaning utensil in the future. Others say not. His first words – now repeated many times every year on his birthday -- were reportedly spoken as he was emerging from the womb: "Mum! Me head's stuck, yer need more POWERRR!" There were attempts to educate him at Reptard School, where 104 former school friends recall that he dished out Nazi-style punishments to German exchange students in revenge for World War II.
Clarkson's first career was in the family business as a door-to-door teddy bear salesman. He has often spoken at length about the “record number of sales” he achieved in a single transaction, at a particular house in Basingstoke. This record was -3 teddy bears, possibly owing to his general lack of luck when he was knocking on the doors of people who expressly didn't want furry playthings. (Yes, it has been noted that the minus figure of -3 bears indicates that Clarkson ended up buying teddies from his putative customers rather than selling bears to them.)
Clarkson eventually came to understand that ursine-toy sales was not his true calling, so he packed a bag with STP petrol stickers on it and went to work as a proto-journalist for Zoooom-Zoooom Magazine, where he progressed to the post of Transport Editor. This was his first outlet for spreading his idiosyncratic views; he is now credited far and wide as one of the first magazine writers to highlight the danger of global warming in a series of unforgettable, pungent and feisty articles.
Jeremy resigned from Zoooom in 1983 and entered a period of unemployment, living in his beloved caravan, which he named Ugly Betty. It was at a camp caravanners’ convention that Jeremy met France Cocaine, who was to be his wife after he asked her. The pair now have three daughters: Bugatti, Koenigsegg and Ferrari-Lambo. The family now live in an energy-saving lightbulb in the Cotswolds. The couple are fiercely against speeding, and have set up their own 'Stay Over 50' campaign to much public fanfare.
Clarkson has since participated in 2,671 events, some of them dangerous and humiliating, to raise the profile of global warming in our dying world. The many vehicles he owns are all immediately recognizable by a liberal festooning of “Al Gore is right, you know” stickers and decals. Clarkson has been admired by many big-brained people, and he appears as a character-on-wheels in several novels by the American genius Thomas Pynchon, including Clarkson & Dixon and That Traffic Warden Is Dead.
Clarkson is renowned as the only known sufferer of quindecaconstantitis, a disease in which the bearer becomes stuck in his mid-50s for the rest of his life. Far from hindering his journalistic career, this condition has actually helped it, on account of the fact that most of his output requires the psychotic pig-headedness that only a fat, smouldering twerp suffering from a ferocious mid-life crisis could ever harbour.
[edit] Human Scrubbing Brush
Jeremy Clarkson's curly hair and pubic hair are useful tools for doing the washing-up, as Carol Vorderman once admitted in a silly moment.
In 1981, Clarkson, who has long been an advocate for curly-mopped humans being pressed into service as cleaning utensils, set up HSBC, or the Human Scrubbing Brush Club. He acted as President until 1987, when he stood down and took the post of Dishcloth. In 1992 he was awarded Best Human Scrubbing Brush with the 'Largest Brush in the World... Mmmm' award from the Desperate Housewives Association. In his 70-minute speech he thanked his eco-friendly Toyota Drivewell for “everything”.
[edit] Flop Gear
Jeremy became presenter of Top Gear in 1997 after the Ukrainian television company Gutschit asked him to be the main presenter, owing to his high profile as a muffin-top-shaped and opinionated journalist. Clarkson has praised himself many times for his kindness in accepting the job so that he could single-handedly overhaul the show's abysmal viewing figures and improve the GDP of Ukraine. The problem was not the show's poor quality, but the fact that not many Ukrainians owned a television, and the ones who did couldn’t use the remote control.
“I bought my new car because it was recommended by this programme. It was a piece of shit and now my father has told me Jeremy Clarkson and his stupid show are going to rot in hell. He's a fuck ass prick. He shagged Carol Vorderman and got her drunk before she went on stage on Countdown.”
~ Jesus Christ on Top Gear
Jeremy Clarkson is now Flop Gear’s longest presenter, reaching an incredible 27ft without his army-surplus boots. It has been his kindly socialist nature and strong objection to global warming that have shaped the programme's character, and it is now the second least popular show in Ukraine. In 1999, owing to complaints about Clarkson “filling the screen all the bloody time”, he was joined by two co-presenters, a hamster called Dick Ham and a mop called mop. Clarkson, however, has still remained the show's biggest attraction, especially as neither of his co-presenters can speak in a language understandable to humans.
Once upon a time, the show also had its own animal racing driver, The Stig, a Highland stag that tested cars on Flop Gear’s own track. The Stig was dropped after the third series, after too many crashes because the beast had no fingers to hold onto the steering wheel. Clarkson remarked at the leaving party that he would miss The Stig, as it was a perfect example of nature and humanity working together to increase their 'POWERRRR'.
[edit] The Piers Morgan Face-Punching Moment
Clarkson is renowned for allegedly punching the notorious British newspaper gibbon Piers Morgan in the face. There is, however, much controversy as to what actually happened. Some commentators argue that it was not Morgan, but an overweight, devious and pompous hobgoblin who was the unfortunate punchee. Others argue that Morgan is in fact secretly that very hobgoblin. And others still say it was not Clarkson but Morgan himself who punched himself in the face after finally realizing, against all the odds and his own IQ, how much of an insufferable twat he was (and is). It is widely agreed by people who know about these things, however, that Morgan could not have under any circumstances told the truth about anything, as this would lead to the End of the World as we know it.
[edit] In the Family Way
Clarkson caused a storm on the BBC7 show In the Family Way, on which famous Britons hang around the Public Records Office and annoy the staff until they are told who their relatives might have been and what they did. On the programme, broadcast in 2005 and somehow deemed worthy of a repeat in 2006 (but never again), Clarkson discovered that he was the progeny of a cosmetic guidance counsellor from Transylvania and a giant lobster from Bournemouth. He then spent 40 minutes of the programme shouting at people, telling them the news, before jumping into a Lamborghini and knocking over a telephone box and some bollards. That’s what caused the storm: his careless driving disturbed the fine meteorological balance of the Earth, and it didn’t stop raining for days. There was a gusty old wind and all.
[edit] Controversy
Jeremy Clarkson and his wife have come under fire recently for their 'Stay Over 50' campaign, which knee-jerk liberals have condemned as old-age discrimination. But in a statement to the press in 2005, Husband Clarkson gave the true meaning behind the slogan and apologised for any confusion caused. It hasn’t stopped most of the media from laughing at the stupidity of Clarkson's efforts to get people to drive faster than 50mph.
[edit] References
The World According to Clarkson (that is if you don't mind my opinion) by Jeremy Clarkson
The World According to Clarkson Volume 2 (I'm so glad you liked my first one, but you can put this one down at any time you wish) by Jeremy Clarkson
The HSBC Annual compiled by Jeremy Clarkson, Sharon Rose and a dishcloth
[edit] See Also
- Hamster
- Mop
- The Stag
- Flop Gear
- Stay Over 50
- Global Warming
- Wind turbine
- HowTo:Tell the Difference between an American and a European car
- A A Gill
- Badger badger badger
Barmy British Stuff 
