Seven of Nine

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We are Seven of Nine. Remove your pants. You will comply.

“This article has mostly "Nerds Trying to be Funny". Worst Article ever.”

~ Comic Book Guy

“Damn.”

~ Captain Janeway on Seven of Nine

“Damn.”

~ Commander Chakotay on Seven of Nine

“Damn.”

~ Lt. Paris on Seven of Nine

“Damn.”

~ Nelix on Seven of Nine

“Damn.”

~ Kes on Seven of Nine

“Captain Janeway heres a deal we will stop attacking you if you give us Seven of Nine.”

~ Hirogen and Kazon on Seven of Nine

“She gives me wood!”

~ Ensign Kim on Seven of Nine

“Thoes aren't real!”

~ B'Elanna Torres on Seven of Nine

“Oh i want her to cook me up one of her recipes”

~ Neelix on Seven of Nine

“This noise is Unnecessary and irelevant you are not under threat cease this sound now or you will not recieve the white refreshment fluid ”

~ Seven of nine on Baby Miral Paris crying

“Feelings of lust and physical attraction are illogical. However, in her case, I am willing to make an exeption.”

~ Tuvok on Seven of Nine

“Oh Shit if only i used the nexus to send me to voyager She makes all the women i've scored with look like Gorn Oh too bad i'm dead.”

~ Captain Kirk on Seven of Nine

“What a MILF”

~ Icheb on Seven of Nine

“She can disengage my safety protocols any day...”

~ The Doctor on Seven of Nine

“She's Hot”

~ William Riker on Seven of Nine

“I have to say. I didn't really like the jumpsuits. She should get into an official Starfleet uniform.”

~ A Random Gay Starfleet Officer on Seven of Nine

“When I say A Random Gay Starfleet Officer on Seven of Nine, I don't mean ON her. I mean talking ABOUT her. He's gay. He wouldn't tap that. Poor Bastard.”

~ Me on Tapping That

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Seven of Nine.

Seven of Nine (or Seven if excessive use of numbers make you nauseous) was an ex-Borg hooker drone who happened upon the USS Voyager when her Cube ship bailed on her and her unimatrix. Upon discovering her, the crew of Voyager did their best to de-assimilate her and dissect her from the Borg collective. Seven was generally emo about this and threw a few temper tantrums, but calmed down a bit once all her hair grew back and she was given an assortment of jumpsuits to wear.

[edit] Origin

We reserve the right to substitute all orders with comparable manufacturer and model number.

Seven of Nine's original name was Annika Hanson, the younger sister of the famed Hanson trio. During the return trip from a fishing expedition with her brothers in a transwarp corridor, her ship was ambushed and boarded by a Borg Cube ship. Tragically Thankfully, her three brothers were killed in the attack, whilst Annika managed to survive, only to be assimilated by the Borg when they found her under the bed holding onto her blanket and crying: "RIPLEEEEEEY... RIPLEEEEEEEY..."

Seven served aboard a Cube ship for 20 years as a child labourer, and later an adult entertainer until being discovered by the Voyager crew. She was immediately given a job as an adult entertainer in Ten Forward.

[edit] Personality

Your primitive table-pong game is flawed and irrelevant. You will terminate this method of entertainment immediately (Tom Paris's Erection removed by photoshop.

Being part of the Borg Collective for the majority of her life, Seven still carries most of the traits of a Borg drone, such as her use of the words "Irrelevant", "Comply", and "Elaborate." She still has to regenerate from time to time in her alcove, and sleeps standing up, much like a Conehead would. In compliance with general aesthetics, she has the remnants of her Borg implants in all the right places so that she still looks good.

Seven can come off as a stone cold bitch sometimes. 20 years in the Borg Collective can do that to a woman.

During the final episodes of Voyager, Seven realizes that the crew as a whole might not make it back to Earth after all, and starts desperately shacking up with Chakotay. Unfortunately for him, Seven was assimilated when she was a six year old and thus has no desire for sex, or, shall we say, any experience in this area. This just goes to prove that Chakotay is either inhumanely patient, or that he has enough libido to attract the sexual attention of a six year old (more likely the second one). In all honesty, he probably just feels damn lucky to be banging the hottest member of the crew.

She mostly comes at night - mostly.

Chakotay and the Doctor both want her for this reason and this reason alone.

To anyone who can hear her, "Clothes are irrelevant, you can see every inch of me any way in this catsuit."

[edit] Green Berets

For privacy reasons, Starfleet medics won't explain why her conquests are commonly called "Green Berets", but some hints may be inferred from their famous theme song.

Silver nipples, on her breasts
Silver eye-piece, and silver bush
Her silver ass-hole, farts a diesel fume
But there's nothin' wrong, with her silver womb

I never should - have done her wrong
But in every man born - is a cheatin' dog
But a Borg has sensors - in the back of her head
Now her cold steel heart - wants me stone cold dead

I fled to Klingon, in a shuttle-craft
Crossed the Tethys Ocean, in a rubber raft
But all the while, there were nano-drones
Tracking nano-bots, sunk in my cojones

Now my roving tool's - back in it's assigned place
Siring baby Borg-lings, of Seven's race
Assimilated - to a handsome Borg
My roving tool - will roam no more

If there's a lesson - to take from this
Beware of spy-ware, with every kiss
Check for Trojans - on each down-load
Or you may need... a brand new choad!