Jerry Seinfeld

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Jerry Seinfeld.

Jerry Seinfeld

Term of office:

1987 – 1998

Preceded by:

Calvin Klein

Succeeded by:

George Castanza

Date of birth:

1969

Place of birth:

Tel Aviv, Israel

Date of death:

1999

Place of death:

30,000 leauges under the sea, Belgium What's with that place anyways?

First Lady:

Elaine Benes (What's with keeping your last name, anyways?)

Political party:

Decepticon Party

“What’s the deal with Jerry Seinfeld anyway?”

~ Jerry Seinfeld on Jerry Seinfeld

“And what's the deal with breaking up? When things break, they dont go up, they go down. They should probably call it breaking down. But then, what would they call dancing? They would probably call it dancing around.”

~ Jerry Seinfeld on who knows/cares?

Jerome Stein Seinfeldstein was the 47th President of the United States and also our first Presidentstein. He is often mistaken for being Superman. In addition, he has been regarded as a highly esteemed (or is it e-steined?) Hindu president. What's with Hindus anyways?

His administration lasted for three seasons, cut short after Seinfeld was assassinated by an unidentified Smurf in a ski mask. What's with Smurfs anyways?

His administration makes use of a fleet of Seinfeld's massive collection of Porsches to ferry him about on his civic duties. Seinfeld laughs whenever he sees impoverished people and throws out (stained) pairs of Porsche Boxer Shorts.

The Seinfeld administration was marked by a disturbing amount of observational humor. Not an hour went by without Seinfeld making a joke about the placement of, say, a picture frame on the desk of the Oval Office. The administration was also well-known for the "So, What's With Those Little Airplane Peanut Packets?" Act of 2067, which outlawed trees. What's with picture frames anyways? He was then humped by a hippo and in a strange change of events, revived back to life. What's the deal with animal humping anyway?

Perhaps the most famous incident was when Seinfeld was given a pen with which to sign a piece of legislation. He remarked that the "balance of the pen was all wrong," and that "holding this pen is like making love to a busboy who missed a spot shaving." Because of his dissatisfaction with the pen, the piece of legislation went unsigned and as a result millions of women could only get abortions in dark alleys with coat hangers. Most of these were administered by Oprah. What's with legislation anyways?

Jerry Seinfeld holds the record for most First Ladies while in office. While President, he married and divorced over Sixty-two times. What's with first ladies anyways?

In his spare time, Mr. Seinfeld enjoys a leisurely bout of shouting "DELORES" for hours on end. What's with spare time anyways?

Alan Driscoll, lead singer of techno band thewomb, caused controversy in 1998 by declaring Seinfeld to be "a leech eating off the talent of Larry David, and maybe Ricky Gervais if anyone's thought of him yet", and then eating a Panamanian flag.

When Jerry was 14 years old, he decided to join the Amish, on condition that they "keep kosher and change the name of Intercourse, Pennsylvania. The Amish were non-committal, so Jerry visited Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada with his family in 1968, where he sought to have the Red Ensign flag restored as Canada's official flag, because he thought the Maple Leaf "too trendy." Also, he shopped at Safeway on Lonsdale Street in North Vancouver and has returned yearly ever since, because, as he says, "What's not to like?"