Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

FACTS DETECTED

“Hey, we do not traffic in facts. You may want to talk with this guy behind the pawn shop. He can help you with facts.”

~ Axl Rose on facts

“He did too much LDS back in the Sixties.”

~ James T. Kirk on Spock

“No.”

~ Nathan Thompson on The existence of Jesus.

Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is essentially the same as regular Jesus, only he happens to be blonde and 100% pure American, despite having been born a Palestinian Jew. Disgruntled fans consider him an Expanded Universe addition only, and discount that Jesus ever had blonde hair.

[edit] History

Shortly after his death, Jesus walked to America and brought his zombie wraith to the native Indians, who called themselves Native Americans, or Bob. Jesus taught bob the value of compassion, salvation, and the secret recipie for Kebe Brains with so that when they were depopulated by settlers they would at least know how to behave. Also during his same year jesus traveled to mars and brought back some really dank weed. the world was never the same after that.

[edit] The arrival of the puritans

Once the settlers arrived, they were met by the hordes of native american super zombies, who had mastered the art of shifting their shape between running bear/fox/<insert name here> and lifeless corpse.

A fight ensued.

Jesus holding up the infamous sign.

Jesus preaches to Native Americans who record his message to future generations.

[edit] I Thought I Wanted A Bagel

George Bush appeared years later with his friend, the elderly man of Argentina, and proclaimed that a new race of cows would be chosen to walk towards the promised dessert. Only they would be able to get to the grocery store, just like the street gangs, nerds, idiots, Zeeky Boogy Doog, and every other sewer in your town believed.

[edit] The Boring History

Notable only to twenty three people, LDS history takes place during The Boring Years of American History. It involves a lot of people wandering around to find the promised land, getting kicked out, having to tear down their promised land and wandering some more. The Hebrews did something similar, only they won most of their battles and kicked ass.

[edit] The Promised Land

It's not like they asked for that much. I mean look at the Louisiana Purchase.

Eventually, the Mormons settled on a land nobody wanted, except for those nearby who wanted to start a casino state and ski resort state nearby. The Mormons were forced to settle in a land they called DesertIt, or "Boring Desert." The borders of this land are in constant dispute to this day, with bitter guerrilla warfare between the Vegas Palestinians and Colorado Pakistanis who claim it as their own promised land.

They then decided to spice things up with polygamy - hookers that you marry.

But in the long it didn't work out so they stopped polygamy and settled for a smaller plot of land but even then the Vegas Palestinians and Colorado Pakistanis still fight them to this day for the land most commonly known as Utah.