Jesus Fucking Christ
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“Jesus Fucking Christ, where are my car keys!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Jesus Fucking Christ
“I don't think that is physically possible.”
~ Antonio Berton-Chiropractor on Jesus Fucking Christ
“I'd like to see that!”
~ Pornography obsessed person on Jesus Fucking Christ
“Jesus Fucking Christ, where is My Cross?”
~ Original Jesus on Jesus Fucking Christ
Jesus Fucking Christ, known also as Jesus Arnold John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt Wallace Alistair Lopez Knox I-Like-Cakes Samba Francesco Whoop-Ass Indiana Where-did-I-put-my-Ricky-Martin Gareth Penis Alexander Clayton bat-fuck-insane Clemens Hussein The-Kitten-Huffer Copacabana Titty-Fucking Christ, not to be confused with Jesus H. Christ, was a minor prophet from East Harlem in New York City. While his religious messages went mostly unnoticed by the general public, his uncontrollable kleptomania did not.
Born August 1, 1942, he was the only child born to a circus midget by the name of Stumpy Wildebeest and a cocktail waitress named Bunny. Early on, people around him began noticing a pattern of lost or misplaced objects. This pattern would continue to increase in intensity throughout his childhood. Before long, you could hear people yelling and screaming at the top of their lungs, Jesus Fucking Christ Where Is My Goddamn Wallet?
Christ spent many years in juvenile correctional facilities but seemed to be beyond reform. Just before his seventeenth birthday, he was caught red-handed pilfering a church. Said the vicar, Jesus Fucking Christ, I cannot believe you could stoop so low.
He quietly slipped away from society once freed from incarceration and his current whereabouts are unknown, despite several appearances on Al Qaeda closed circuit television. Word of his mischievous habits has since spread far and wide and it is now common to hear his name being blamed for a wide range of infuriating events.
External links
| Fear their wrath, and beware their confusing names. If you are confused about which one you want, it's probably Original Jesus. | ||
| Sony Jesus: With a Playstation Crown of Thorns | Invented economic theory: Supply-side Jesus | |
| Jesus of Nazareth: Singer and Songwriter | The Passion of the Jew: Kyle Broflovski | |
| Dark Jesus: Parallel Universe Jesus | Something musical: The Artist Formerly Known As Jesus | |
| Jesus Christ - Alcoholic: Just like daddy. | Member of the Carpenters: Jeez | |
| King Jesus: That's sire to you, boy | Semi-Jesus anthropormorphic personification:Messiah | |
| Purple Jesus: International Man of Mystery and funkmaster extraordinare | Working class hero and modern day sage: Jesus Fucking Christ | |
| Pirate Ninja Jesus: Bringing Peace to Pirates and Ninjas | Sabbath Night Fever: Disco Jesus | |
| Super Jebus: Western Sydney pimp | He screams! He sells! His head EXPLODES! Billy Mays | |
| Jesus Marx: Illegal Commie Clone | Elemental Jesus: Je (element) | |
| Republican Jesus: Has a "W" sticker on his SUV | An alpha prototype Christ: Jesus 1.5a | |
| Hide and Go Jesus: The hardest one to find | That one in that band...Nightmare Cinema or something: Jesus LaBrie | |
| Hardcore Jesus: Two-Stepped his way to Hardcore-heaven | Moshed his way to Metal-heaven: Metal Jesus | |
| Jihad Jesus: جهاد عيسي | Raise one family and you will be a believer: Pet Jesus | |
| Stephen Colbert: Smiting Bears for in God's name | Patron Jesus of Crocodiles: Steve Irwin | |
| Ultimate Jesus: Designed by God to be the ultimate fighting machine | He's blonde, cultish, and believes in racial purity. No, it's not a Nazi, it's: Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints | |
| MC Jesus: The Jewish Rap Sensation | Blue in hue and bereft of beard too: Bizarro Jesus | |
| Lobster Jesus: Boiled for your sins! | Bow to ye savior or walk the plank ye scurvy dogs: Captain Jesus | |
