Jesus LaBrie

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Not to be mistaken for drunken washup James Labrie.

Jesus LaBrie
Jesus 'James' LaBrie, a recent photo of this great idol.
Occupation	Kitten Huffer
Date Of Birth	May 5th, 1963
Place Of Birth	Canada, eh?
Wife	Karen LaBrie
Favorite Band	Dream Theater

Jesus LaBrie is the form of Jesus which has a good singing voice.

[edit] Birth

Kevin Jesus James Farquaad Mysterion Elektra Blastoise Totodile 'Frenchie' LaBrie was born on May 5th, 1963. The moment he was born, he was deemed a legend and a God by the doctor who performed the birthing; this doctor was Maynard James Keenan. He could speak from the second he was removed from the womb; coincidentally, this was exactly the same point that Charlie Dominici realised he couldn't sing. The first song he sang was Fear of the Dark, by Iron Maiden, who had formed approximately 142 years prior to this moment. Maynard was so scared by this act, he ran off and created Tool (note: he ran so fast, he projected himself 32 years into the future). James was so good at singing, his vocals provided and obliterated the need for any intrustments during this song, as his voice, when projected, can sound like each and every instrument from a basic 30-piece orchestra.

[edit] Early Life

For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Jesus LaBrie.

At the age of Pi, James formed successful band Dream Theater. This is when he met prospective band member Mike Portnoy, a neighbor of his who could play the drums. James interviewed him, and success, he found a drummer. James was wholly surprised when he saw Portnoy's drum kit; it had 500 snare drums, 2000 crash cymbals and 25 bass drums, along with 37 of each other part of a drum kit, plus one giant gong. More gongs were added later, bringing the total up to 42.

They played their first gig at Little Tyke's Preschool in California. The whole thing went down a success.

[edit] Later-than-Early life

During his teens, James realised he could do all a manner of things with his astounding voice. He learned that the use of his body was irrelevant, as he could do almost everything with his voice. He could even open bottles of beer with an A# note. During this period of time, he was overtly lazy and didn't really do anything. Mike just sat in James' garage, gathering dust and cobwebs, as if he was in suspended animation.

Though one day, James hit the almighty rare E SHARP note, causing mass floods in the lower parts of Asia. Suddently, as if out of nowhere, three people appeared in the midnight fog, outside of James' house. These people were known as John 'Johnny' Petrucci, John 'Hair' Myung, and Jordan 'Fucking hell' Rudess. These three were firstly shooed away by LaBrie, but he realised he could do more explorative things with his voice if three other non-important people were to take the band roles.

[edit] Dream Theater

Main article: Dream Theater

[edit] Death & Rebirth

James was involved in a horrible car crash one fateful morning, the morning of 9/11. Everyone was astounded and shocked that such a great man could have allowed something like this to happen to himself. His funeral was on 9/12, the day after tomorrow. On the day of his funeral, he jumped out of his grave and said "Lol, joke." Everyone laughed at such a jovial mishap, as James and only James could pull off such a caper. He was awarded with a C.E.O. Nobel Peace Prize for being so hilarious and inappropriately calm about the whole situation.

At a later date, it was revealed the so called 'car crash' was actually a result of Mike Portnoy accidentally leaving his drums in the middle of a main road, causing many people to swerve, so they didn't destroy or damage Portnoy's precious drum kit. The gong, however, was plummeted into by a giant space wasp. This caused a ricocheting sound to surround the entire area, producing the sounds of a car crash. James was never dead, basically. He was just asleep.

"Surely they would have checked his pulse before declaring him dead?" , I hear you shout. But, when James goes to bed, he goes into a state of catatonic sleep. Before he was born, everyone wondered where he was for 30 years. He even asked himself the same question; "For 30 years where have I been? Eyes open, but not getting through to me." This whole misunderstanding was the main inspiration for the long-winded song, Octavarium.

[edit] Load & Reload

Main article: Metallica

Around the time of 1996, two albums were supposedly released by James LaBrie; these two albums were known as Load and ReLoad. Problem is, James never recorded any of the songs from this album, nor had he heard of them before 1996. Lars Ulrich filed a lawsuit against James, as Lars just files a lawsuit against everything he disagrees with.

That fucking cunt

“That cunt stole our music!”

~ Lars Ulrich on James LaBrie

The lawsuit unraveled in a very particular way; James' defendant was Phoenix Wright, and the prosecutor was Miles Edgeworth. The whole court system was conducted by Nintendo DS, with the new Phoenix Wright game. In the end, it was apparent that YtseJam records, Mike Portnoy's record company, had taken Metallica's prerelease CDs and marketed them off as Dream Theater albums.

Both sides were awarded with $2.5 million, as it was YtseJam's fault for making such a fault. Lars Ulrich still harbors resentment towards James for this whole mishap, even though it was none of James' doing whatsoever. James had this to say;

“Lars Ulrich is a twat. And he's fucking good at it.”

~ James LaBrie on Lars Ulrich

[edit] Six Degrees of Writer's Cramp

Dream Theater's 17 billionth album, Six Degrees of Writer's Cramp, took the longest to write and produce. James decided he'd write the whole thing solo, which he did. In this time, the other four members of Dream Theater sat in the garage. A timeline of the writing was actually officially written by James after the album was released. It is shown below:

• Year 1 (1972): Overture began, conducting with own voice.
• Years 2-5 (1973-77): Overture in progress. This is taking a while.
• Year 6 (1978): Overture completed. My hand hurts.
• Year 7 (1979): About to Crash begun.
• Years 8-19 (1980-91): God this is taking fucking forever.
• Year 20 (1992): About to Crash finished.
• Year 21 (1993): War Inside My Head written, Test That Stumped them all written.
• Year 23 (1995): Goodnight Kiss written
• Years 24-30 (1996-03): Solitary Shell written
• Year 31 (2004): Rest of song written. God, I'm hungry...

This song, being extremely long, lasts approximately 2 years, 3 months, 1 week, 3 days, 4 hours, 15 minutes and 27 seconds. All record companies who reviewed the song found it 'Epic', 'Brilliant', and 'Long'. They grossed approximately $281 billion for the whole album. They played the entire concert live, starting in 2004 and ending in 2006. It was released in a 13313 CD set, a 4438 DVD set and a 25 Blu-Ray set. The album has sold over 5 trillion copies to date. James' arm was in a plaster cast for 3 months due to the extreme writer's cramp he had sustained for 31 years.

“This song took 31 fucking years to write!”

~ James LaBrie on Six Degrees of Writer's Cramp

[edit] Things LaBrie Can Do With His Voice

• Induce food poisoning
• Pwn n00bs
• Bring people back to life
• Kill people
• Wash dishes
• Summon the spirit of Jeremy Beadle
• Forge the one ring to rule them all
• Find the answers to the test that stumped them all

[edit] Friends

James has made a lot of friends over the active years of Dream Theater. One most notably mentionable is James Hetfield. He and James have become such brilliantly best friends over the years, they never spend time apart. A new Dream Theater / Metallica tour should be emerging sooner or later, except Lars refuses to participate, due to him being a complete wanker. Instead, Portnoy fills in for Metallica's drums, much akin to the time Joey Jordison from Slipknot took over Lars when he was too busy quaffing champagne to bother turning up to the concert.

James is also good chums with Jesus-Sonic. They both met eachother at a shady nightclub, and turned to quick pals. They're often seen playing croquet with eachother, or rocking out on the roof of the local.

[edit] Related links

• Mike Portnoy
• Dream Theater
• James Hetfield
• Dave Mustaine
• Music

[edit] External links

• DreamTheater.net (Lol official? My ass.)