Jesusaurus Rex

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Jesusaurus rex
Kingdom	Animal
Phylum	Chordata
Class	Reptile
Order	Dinosaur
Family	Christ
Genus	Jesusaurus
Species	Jesusaurus Rex
Binomial Name	Jesusaurus Rex Christ
Primary Armament	Teeth and Eucharist
Secondary Armament	Feet with which to stomp on you
Power Supply	Holy Trinity
HP:	∞ +100000
Mana Points:	∞ +100000
Strength:	∞
Intelligence:	{{{intel}}}
Weight	10 metric tonnes
Length	150-190 meters (that's about as b)
Special Attack	†
Conservation Status	Run away from it

Jesusaurus rex (jeez-us-soar-us rex) (lat. "King of the Jesus Lizards"), also known as J. rex and "The Prophet of the Dinosaurs", is one of the final forms of Jesus, and is expected to visit Earth sometime around the year 2021. Not to be confused with Raptor Jesus or Jesusaur, Jesusaurus Rex is a carnivore, and he's out with a vengeance.

[edit] Characteristics

Bigger than even a tyrannosaurus rex, J-rex is estimated to be the largest land carnivore of all time, and the most bloodthirsty of the jesii. Compared to other jesii, the skull of Jesusaurus is really big and can withstand heavy pressures, enabling it to crush the toughest materials in between its teeth (not to mention his butt cheeks). That's right. You'd better start praying or Jesusaurus will be crunching your bones.
The neck is strong and muscular to support the giant glowing head of Jesusaurus. The arms of J. rex are very tiny perhaps to make up for the weight of its enormous head. They may end up being used for grasping fleeing Nazis or God-haters, or perhaps to pin dead carcasses against the body while dragging a cross to show who's in charge this time.
The legs are strong and may allow Jesusaurus to run at speeds exceeding 500 miles per hour, or 400 miles per hour while on water. His immunity to nuclear weapons and all the awesome types of swords makes him a deadly predator that may be impossible to defeat, unless attacked by a roaming band of cavejews.

[edit] Reactions to Jesusaurus rex

Faced with the threat of a giant angry Jesus, U.S. president George W. Bush has had this to say: "It is with the deepest regret that I inform you, my fellow Americans, that a lot of you are pretty darn screwed. That's right all you stem-cell murderers and homosexuals, I'm talking to you. Trying to destroy the foundations of society is going to get you devoured by the Lord!"
Later investigations showed that George W. Bush did not, in fact say the above quotation, and it was actually just from some fat white old guy, also known as Dick Cheney. George W. Bush's actual words were "Jesusarus will never seek a permission slip to eat the American people." When questioned about what he meant to do about the J-Rex, Bush responded with "No act of the Jesusaurus Rex will change our purpose, or weaken our resolve, or alter our fate. God has blessed America, and we will survive his dinosaur."
Some Christians have taken the coming of J-Rex as a sign that they will finally be floating off into heaven in the Rapture, while others of different faiths have had slightly different ideas. Known Scientologist Tom Cruise has been quoted as saying "People don't know the great things Jesusaurus will do, helping the community. It will be positive and wonderful. Hey, that plane reminds me of my awesome movie Top Gun. I made a lot of money off that movie you know. Being rich is really nice, you know, since I get to ride in limos and eat Mcdonalds all day." Cruise is reported as leaving the Scientology faith because it doesn't allow him to take his Ritalin any longer.

[edit] Recent Discovery

A Jesusaurus Rex was recently discovered in a Gainesville, Georgia man's backyard. An excavation is currently underway to determine why it arrived far before the initial estimated arrival year of 2021. It has been said that only true believers can view the remains safely, as a number of onlookers have been turned to dust after visiting the excavation site.

Recently, a Jesusaurus Rex was used to make a miraculous breakthrough in redneck science (that's the best kind, by the way). Carl Sagan exmaned the Jesusaurus Rex's bones and discovered through carbon dating that, shockingly, in his own words, "Mountain Dew is the best soda ever made!"

[edit] See Also

• Tyrannosaurus Rex
• Godzilla
• Passion of the Christ: The Lord Strikes Back
• Nazareth Park
• DinoJesus
• Pogo Snake

Parts of this article were originally sporked from Wikipedia's article on Tyrannosaurus Rex.