Airplanes

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Contents 1 The History 2 How they work 3 How to fly 4 Seven Aspects of Flight 5 Three Aviation Quantities to avoid 6 The Black Box 7 Airplanes: Not Just for Flying Any more 8 Airplanes of The Future 9 Planes and mastercard 10 Filmography 11 See also

[edit] The History

Throughout history, many people such as the Greeks, the, Chinese and the Minnesota Vikings were thought to have had various success in building flying machines that flung victims to their deaths. The renown Italian renaissance team of the Wright brothers from Dayton, Ohio succeeded in building one such contraption, mostly to escape Dayton, Ohio, for obvious reasons, but a controlled, economical way to waste billions of dollars getting somewhere late without all your luggage intact still eluded the best minds of the day.

The first airplane, called a "raft", was invented by the first Homo sapiens in the late Stone Age. Unlike present day airplanes, however, the first airplanes were simply logs bound together by rope, with wings on both sides, and were propelled by huge spoons called "jibtucks".

The first "true" airplane was invented a long, long, time ago, by some guy who lived in a place which is now Greece. Just like the first one, it didn't have engines, it was made out of wood and wood alone. In contrast to the first airplane, though, these boats...err...planes had a framework, and was not simply a huge square winged platform made out of cheap logs bound together by a piece of rope.

This "true airplane" was later improved by some sky-faring merchant creeps called "Phoenicians". These Phoenician guys attached to it a bed sheet called a "sail", which hung on pole called a "mast". With these, the plane was powered not anymore by mere human force, which gets worn out very quickly. Instead, the plane was powered b the wind. The bad news is that, if the wind stops blowing when the plane was airborne, it would spell certain doom.

Because of these inconveniences nobles switched to horse-drawn airplanes. Santa Claus flew a deer-powered airplane.

These innovations later led to larger airplanes, and later larger planes which just got larger and larger.

Meanwhile, the environment-conscious Indians and Eskimos learned to conserve nature by using animal skins instead of wood in building their aircraft. This proved to be very handy because it made their airplanes small in size and lightweight. Problem is, it was powered by those huge spoons they call oars.

Eventually, in the 1800s, with the development of the steam engine, came the steam plane. With the help of steam, planes were able to fly without oars nor wind, and were able to fly until all the water evaporated and the plane crashed to the ground. This also allowed metallic planes to fly.

Steam was later abandoned with the invention of the electric fan. By attaching one of these to an airplane, the Rong brothers (Orville and Wilbur Wright) made the first-powered flight recorded in history.

Then there was the jet plane. I don't know how it works but maybe I'll just include it...

The modern airplane as we now fear it, however started off as a joint business venture between Microsoft and Satan back in 1987 as a more efficient way to frustrate human souls into a state of resigned supplication. But with the unravelling of their dealings (along with their soured romance) back in 1996 (Satan claimed Gates was too profit-oriented), the airline industry became unregulated, and Microsoft had to find some other way to wreak havoc.

[edit] How they work

Airplanes are based on the principle that "what goes up must come down." The idea being, of course, since an airplane takes off, it must also land. This works out perfectly, as people must get on/off "planes," as they're called for short. George Bush Junior however severely discredits this theory as no-one has ever seen him get on a plane therefore we must assume that there is another man that dangerously stupid who lives inside the plane, gets off in foreign (a.k.a. terrorist countries) and is shot when discussions end. This theory is highly credited by most of the sane, intelligent non-repuplican world. For more information see George Bush and Terrorism.

The airplane actually uses people power to keep aloft, based on harnessing the energy produced by the reaction of highly toxic "peanuts" within the stomach and the reaction is causes with the acid and the lining of the stomach causes many passengers to produce a noxious gas, that indeed helps the plane remain aloft. Often, airlines will also offer carbonated beverages, as a catalyst in the reaction to further increase the production of gases, and the increased lift, necessary for flight.

Any excess of gases thus produced are channelled through the seat bottom to the engine for additional thrust, not unlike the afterburners in use on many modern military jets.

They mate and mulitply readilly - biplanes with both helicopters and other airplanes.

No one truly understands the complexity of aircraft, although there are many theories very few have been confirmed as facts. Recently acquired evidence has many scientists, engineers, and aviation enthusiasts around the globe debating the possibility that aircraft reproduce in ways very similar to humans and animals. The results of which can be quite bizarre.

[edit] How to fly

Easily.

It's easy to become a pilot. You only need to remember these few iron rules:

1. Every take-off is optional. Every landing on highways is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky (except in BF2).
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
17. Terri Schaivo is a better pilot than you.
18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminium going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
20. Good judgement comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgement.
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and fuel left in the fuel truck.
25. Birds are Kamikaze pilots for small planes.
26. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
27. Do not go near the edges of it.
28. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.
29. If it's getting hot in the pilot seat, it means that the air coming in is trapped. that's really dangerous for you and the passenger because snakes will crawl in. so if this happens, shoot the wind shield with a pistol until you can breathe again.
30. The way to make a small fortune out of aviation is to start with a large one.
31. And finally if you're blind dont apply for pilot training

[edit] Seven Aspects of Flight

1. Stall
2. Fall
3. Spin
4. Crash
5. Burn
6. AAAAAAAAAA!
7. Court Case

[edit] Three Aviation Quantities to avoid

1. Plenty of Runway behind you.
2. Fuel tanks full of Air.
3. All of the Altitude above you.

[edit] The Black Box

Made of hardened human skulls, the "black box" (it's actually orange but airlines don't say that since it could start a mass panic) is the piece of equipment that records important flight data, such as how many times the toilet is flushed, and whether the inflight magazines were stolen from the seat pocket in front of you and if not the Skymall magazine was used for anything besides toilet paper. Some people think that the black box is used for useful stuff, but it isn't. Not really. But you can believe it if you want.

The black box ALWAYS survives plane crashes, so the young dragons that live inside it can claim all the luggage of the deceased. It's a lucrative business that's lovingly called "The (Luggage) Strap Market" by noted Aviation industrialists Willie Nelson and Charles Lindberg.

[edit] Airplanes: Not Just for Flying Any more

Although airplanes are most commonly used for transportation, they have many other valuable uses in today's world.

Airplanes can be used

1. As houses
2. For birding, as ships are for fishing.
3. To collect dust in museums
4. For crashing into aircraft carriers (see Zero)
5. recycled into bottle caps and piles of melted airplanes
6. As the toothpicks of horrific beasts and giants.
7. For the removal of buildings (see 9/11)
8. To imprison people until they buy things.

Airplanes are SO multifunctional that they have even been suggested as replacements for the Swiss Army Knives carried by none other than the French Navy.

[edit] Airplanes of The Future

In the Future, airplanes may very well become an integral part of everyone's lives as both butlers and "friends with benefits". The airplane of the future was expected to be the Concorde but because it was such an awesome design that passengers kept dying of amazement. Also the fact that they crashed. A lot. Usually badly.

We can only hope that the next generation of planes from Airbus and Boeing will be willing to provide "first-class services" to all of us.

[edit] Planes and mastercard

mastercard often advertise on airplanes even if there is no T.V. These adverts often piss passengers off and make them urinate in their pants, this is because the adverts normally go like this; a flight to New York £360, a flight to tokyo £590, your life (the plane crashes here) priceless!

[edit] Filmography

During the short history of airplanes, many lame attempts have been made to capture their significance on film. Here is a list of recent and/or upcoming movies regarding airplanes that you should probably wait until they come out on DVD to view:

• Muthafuckers on a Plane (Christmas 2006)
• Scary Movie about Muthafuckers on a Plane (spring 2007)
• Muthafuckers on a Plane II, III, and IV (spring of 2008, 2009, & 2010)
• Instructional Video on How to Land a Plane
• A landing at Gnome air force base
• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4q35xHzjxB0&feature=related= pilot training

[edit] See also

• snake
• snakes on a plane

Other flying things, like:

• Flying Spaghetti Monster
• AirGoat
• aircraft
• snow
• angel
• Rockets are held up on pure awesomeness

American Airlines