Jew
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“Jew is commonly used to replace the word jubille.â€
~ Stephen Hawkings on the knowledge of Jews
[edit] What Is A Jew, and how can it amuse me?
“No! Not in my hair!â€
~ Oscar Wilde on Jewish men
“It started off as a joke!â€
~ Hitler on killing millions of Jews
“It started off as a joke!â€
~ Jehovah on creating the Jews
“It started off as a joke!â€
~ The Jews on creating Jehovah
“I didn't say anything!â€
“I eat latkas and occasionaly shiksasâ€
[edit] Sephardim
Sephardic Jews, (AKA: Original Jews, or SuperJews) are close to the original Mizrahi Jews but slightly Africanized, making these Jews ferociously militant people who will not stop until they get the job done. Some have been deemed to have extraordinary powers, but after World War II this myth was tragically disproven. This is expressed most explicitly in the hard-nosed investigative reporter, Geraldo Rivera, whose no-nonsense demeanor has made him one of the best Jewish reporters of this century! Also among those greats are Bill Cosby, Zorro, and Maimonides, perhaps the greatest Jew who ever lived, as well as Jewbacca.
Their traditions include the mystical musical tradition of Flamenco, which they use during Torah recitals, Yoga, also used during Torah recitals, and Jew-Do, which they invented (also see Jedi).
They enjoy fighting for truth, justice, and the American way, and are also good chefs, specializing in ethnic cuisine, as well as being managers of numerous stores and various concerns.
[edit] Sex Lives
Jews also enjoy sex occasionaly. Unlovened bread sex is there favorite type. When they are not having sex they usually Climb Maple Trees. Although jewish pussy has a perusion , children in Nigeria watch Spongebob anyways in order to obtain Nirvana
[edit] shkenazism
Ashkenazic Jews (pronounced "Ash can Nazi"): Known popularly as "International Jews" or "Hollywood Jews" or "goddamn money grubbing hooked nose jews" or simply (place out-dated slurs here) are basically Jews who have become white people .
These Jews are known for being business like and cultured. They are also known for being racist hypocrites with a victim complex. Their favored passtimes include capitalism, fussing, philosophizing, bulldozing Gaza, network, comedy, and complaining.
Well known Ashkes include director Steven Spielberg, Albert Einstein (inventor of the light bulb, which he stole from Tesla to get back at him for what he said about the unfeasibility of nuclear energy), Steve Ballmer, wacky inventor Simon Bar Sinister, Captain Kirk, Kirk Douglas, Harrison Ford and Superman.
There are at least three sub-catagories, these classifications are based primarily on income level:
Yids (this is a generic term for Ashkenazim with an annual income below 100,000, most are lovable and wise realists, but most often have to contend with a lot of nervious dissorders and bad luck, they are also the first ones attacked by the Cosaks in the fun-loving progroms).
Kikes (Ashkenazim with incomes beyond 100,000 though most often earn far more than that, these guys are pretty tough and tend to control a ot of things, many of them are actually gangsters, they also tend to disslike anyone not of "our crowd", including other types of Jews, especially low class Yid Ashkies, most if not all are also Freemasons).
GothJew (see Gnostic, usually the rebellious children of Kikes, many of them try to piss their parents off by becoming Messianic, Anarchists or Neo-Nazis; see The Believer, the smarter ones however become Communists, or better yet, Anti-Masonic Socialists ;-). See also: Self-hating Jew
They are also known for their brilliant innovations within the Jewish faith by inventing the successful sects of Freemasonry and Communism (both based on Kabbalism, a Khazar religion).
[edit] Weaknesses
Most Jews have a dire weakness to christians . Rubbing their cock with tears of a christian causes severe 4th-degree burns that can be only healed through the magical gypsy tears from the almighty jewdem father of the greek saviours also called spartans (this usually does not apply to Khazars, nor to Kabbalists, suggesting that this is probably some weird psychosomatic condition, which is previlant in the Jewish population, particularly amongst the Ashkenazim, exemplified in the nervious dissorders demonstrated by comedic genious, Matt daemon).
Jews also take double fire damage. Hitler knew of, and exploited, this weakness.
Most Khazars and Ashkenazim have formidable business skills and would chase a good deal straight to hell if they could. Thus the best way to defeat them is to either sue them (though, they tend to be heavily armed in this area) or cheat them (though be careful, many of them have "Da' Schwarz").
[edit] Jewish American Princess
This is a very special breed of Jew which is not easily indentifiable. It should be noted that all JAP's are female. You can often tell them by their very loud call which sounds something like, "DADDY!". During mating season, JAP's have the longest mating call of all the Jews. It sounds something like, "I have a headache". This call is constantly repeated in the presence of the male and at all times until the male is no longer around, falls asleep in frustration, or abuses himself in an unseemly manner.
[edit] Spelling of Jew
The common spelling of Jew can also be replaced with "Joo" or, for the l33t, "j00". The Cockney spelling of "Jew" is "teapot". Jew originates from ancient christianese to translate to 'messiah killers', or, alternately, 'bagel eaters' or the more common 'Sexy Goat' and 'Piano-morphs'
[edit] Can My Jew Transform Into a Piano?
For centuries, Jews in Europe were hunted down and forced to transform into pianos in response to a claim made that the Jew Harp, with its ten strings and ability to look snazzy and travel well, was "overstepping its bounds". After millennia of turmoil, the Jew Harp is making a comeback.
It's Melody, being only one because it's creator was too much of a jew to pay for more, can, in a [[frampton]]-esque way, be made to sing "everybody loves somebody sometime, but nobody ever loves a hook-nosed jew"
[edit] You Mixed Your Jew with My Chocolate!
Chocolate Jew is the greatest of the 17 deadly sins, and second greatest of the 17,876,863,874,966,523 not-so-deadly sins. Anyone found eating a chocolate dick would immediately be excommunicated by the greatest power in his ass, purple jew. is very rare. they were towels on there heads
[edit] If My Jew Becomes a Piano, Is There a Refund?
No, any Jew piano will not be refunded. However, a Jew in the the non-piano form can be traded for 30 silver coins or your choice of a flavored bagel. Or Ben Tannenwaldsteinburgwitz will give you a blowjob and steal all your money. See also pianist.
[edit] What's That On Their Heads?
These are called "Jew-beanies" (also Yid Lids, or Targets if you're German) . They are universal in size, but varied in syle. The more elegant Jew may wish to decorate his/her Jew-beanie with ornaments, such as beads and mirrors. Young Jews regularly nag their parents for a more stylish Jew-beanie ("Mummy can I have that Jew-beanie? Malachi has it!"), and this is understandable, as the more maxxed the Jew-beanie, the more Jew you are, and consequently no more Jew-to-Jew name calling in the local synagogue, and on top of that, a "tricked out" jew-beanie causes for jew women, or sex-bags not to like you, maintaining your faith and loyalty to the rabbi.
Also, these caps become handy in times of conflict. As they have paper-thin edges along the rim of the skull piece, they are ideal throwing weapons. One simply tosses the hat like a Frisbee at their foe and stands back as they watch their opponent become decapitated by their Jewish wrath. For example, "Kung Lao" from Mortal Kombat. Or Oddjob from James Bond are both famous jews.
Another abstract object on a jew's head may be what is know as the jew fro. These are messy and unruly and are among the top 3 nastiest types of fro's, trailing only ginger fros and dark people fros.
[edit] Jewish Food
The Jewish have a thriving food culture. Most Jews are required by law to eat crackers and sugarless soda. Their most popular dish is crackers in soup which is called Matzo-Ball Soup (tastes just as good as it looks!).
There is also a secret formula called manna, a suspected variation of Jew Bread, but the properties are still not well known. When one eats it, it is said to make one completely invincible to one's enemies (unfortunately, it also temporarily ruins one's vision).
Since Jews are disciplined and scrupulous, food is generally expensive, most Jews tend not to even eat that much, but rather sell food; this has been a very, very lucrative industry, especially with the inclusion of Kosher taxes.
Also known as a new delicacy of the Jews is Pork and Shellfish bread, known for its aphrodiastiac qualities.
Jews have also been used as food through out Poland and is the main ingredient in Polish Sausage.
[edit] The Neo Jew, or New Nazi
Theodore Herschel and his band of Israelites realized that they did not have the manpower to thwart the invading Arabs. As they read the newspapers from their countries of birth, they started gaining a great resentment towards the Jews making money and getting fat back home in Babylon (land of filthy, greasy sausages and Goyim who spend too much money). Thus, Herschel prayed to the great prophet Moses Hess and the Great Priest of Germania to summon a new Champion who would drive the traitors towards their destiny creating The Glorious and Magnificent Nation, or meet the fate of Lott's wife. Thus, The Name took possession of a more or less ordinary, disinfected Emo-mutt named Schicklegruber, miraculously, in as little less than a few years, the Sword was offered power beyond his wildest dreams, and a magnificent voice of thunder, which at times, where said to emanate from heaven itself, and with that voice, he shattered The Exhile, and offered a powerful ultimatum: Build the Great Nation Or Suffer the Consequences! But most of them did not! They rather die in Sodom than offer their hand for their brethren fighting so heroically against the invaders to create the Kingdom of Heaven. Many of them, thus, suffered the same fate that has befallen them, as the great Rabbi Ovadaiah Yussef says, many lifetimes ago.
[edit] Famous Jews
Ryan Sheckler (athletic commander)
Lincoln Geersten (random man)
Darth Vader's Mommy (military commander)
Your Real Father
Jon Stewart (the Jewish President)
Sarah Silverman (actress commander)
Jesus (magic commander)
---David Blaine (magic assistant commander)
Kyle (cartoon commander)
---Herchel Krostofski AKA Krusty the Clown (assistant cartoon commander)
Rudolph (mascot)
Adam Sandler and Rob Schneider (comedy commanders)---must be a duo---
Anyone who is funny (looking)
John Hoge (master banker)
Jack Black (music commander)---unfortunately---
Albert Einstein (phony baloney nonsense for smart people commander)
The Deity Formally Known As Buddah (god)
Adam Hemingway (a womanly male with ginger hair and jew gold around it's neck.)
[edit] Most Best Things Jews Ever Did!!!!!!!!!
| Jewish stuff |
|
|
| More Jewish stuff |
 |
1. Create Superman
2. Be you parents' financial advisor
3. Created money as we know it (this is also perhaps one of the worst things they ever invented). (NEWSFLASH! Karl Marx denounces the Jews for creating money, which he claims to be no less than the lattest vessel for the jealous spirit of Israel Java to inflict his cruel reign over HaEretz, Karl and his friends Bakunin and Original Jesus have now issued a one-man war against the Rothschilds and their Levitical Banking cartel)
4. Create Sarah Silverman.
[edit] Most Worst Things Jews Ever Did!!!!!!!!
1. Create Michael Richards (and slavery, see "Chutz" and note all the Jews named "Zuckerman")
2. Created Christianity (specifically Calvinism, which also believes in a chosen "elect"), Capitalism (through Calvinism), Islam and Communism (two of their worst mistakes). Without Judaism none of these would have existed.
[edit] The Internet
It is not commonly known that the Jews actually power the Internet as we know it through their vast network of underground sugar caves. Essrntially, the Jews were enslaved by Al Gore to continually turn a wheel which, in turn, makes the Internet possible for us surface dwellers. This resource is protected by sugar dragons.
[edit] See Also
- Jewish History
- Jehovah/God
- Moses/Plato
- Kabbalah
- Holocaust Denial
- Yenta
- The Running of the Jew
- Borat
- Ultra Jesus
- Mountain Jew
- Gew
- The Jews of Hazzard
[edit] External Links
- [1] Stupid nonsense; DONT LOOK! (Or you may have an accident...)
- Jews getting along
- METISYAHOOO!
- Dont look here...This is AWESOME
