Jihad★Mart
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“Death and destruction every day, that's the Jihad★Mart way!”
~ JIHAD★Mart corporate song
“Jihad! Ai-ai-ai-ai-ai-ai-ai!”
~ Everyday Jihad★Mart shopper
“ Death to the Infidels!”
~ Jihad★mart greeter
“My Mother bought my first rentboy from Jihad*Mart. Great Quality, Great Prices. ”
~ Oscar Wilde on Jihad★Mart's Entertainment Section
“I bought an "Uncle Achmed RPG playset" at a low price! it came with real infidel killing action! ”
~ Al Mu, the littlest terrorist on Jihad★Mart's Toy Section
|
Jihad★Mart is a chain of stores created in 2002 to revive Mall★Wart's struggling middle-eastern division. It specializes in low-priced explosives, AK-47s, burqas, ski masks (which are hard to find in the desert), Slim Jims, RPGs, and FEZ hats.
[edit] History
Jihad-Mart was founded by Osama Mohammed bin-Walton in 2002. At that time, the Middle East and the West were at the peak of their mutual hatred. As a consequence, Wal-Mart suffered from boycotts that forced them to reduce their profits to only 5,000%.
The bin-Walton organization changed all that. The new Jihad-Mart was welcomed enthusiastically by the public and broke several records during its grand opening. Finally, everyone had one place to go for all their terror-related needs. Instead of paying high prices to several different shady gentlemen, there were thousands of low-price weapons all in one place.
Jihad-Mart quickly established dominance over much of the Middle East, much to the chagrin of US-based competitors such as 9-Eleven, by proving itself more efficient and more ruthless than all of its rivals.
[edit] Merchandise
While Jihad-Mart can be considered at best a necessary evil, they do have their uses.
For instance, they sell underwear at even cheaper prices than the Salvation Air Force. This makes it much better for cave-dwelling freedom fighters who can't even afford the luxury of the most soiled of used underwear from thrift shops. By purchasing high priced AK-47's, you reduce the price of clean underwear for terrorists and martyrs around the world while collecting valuable airline reward miles.
They also carry a complete inventory of guns and weapons-grade plutonium for hunting and fission aficionados, an array of halal foods and a full line of handy power tools for home and workshop, along with toys for jihadi of all ages. Their line of stones for stoning infidels and women are among their bestsellers, and come highly recommended by clerics all over the Middle East. They also sell a wide range of Osama Bin Walton Action figures featuring ultra Jihad declaring action and Ak-47 and Car Bomb sounds
Jihad-Mart is also notable for their delicious baked goods, suspected to be manufactured by Al Pieda.
[edit] Osama's Club
“We bring you wholesale jihad and mayhem at Allah's lowest prices”
~ Osama bin Laden on Osama bin Walton
A bulk warehouse store based on the Costco and Price Club models, Osama's Club offers discounted prices on wholesale destruction, as well as quantity discounts on everything you need for home and camel. The full line of Saddam's Choice store-brand products are available in quantity.
The current best-seller in the Saddam's Choice line is I can't believe it isn't a Weapon of Mass Destruction™. Introduced by Saddam and Osama just before the US invasion of 2003, I can't believe it isn't a Weapon of Mass Destruction has quickly built a loyal and fanatical following in key Middle East hotspots. The Memories of Dresden napalm pack has also been a hot seller.
As competition for freedom fighters and their dinars is fierce, Osama's Club keeps prices low by reducing overhead. This principle has been pioneered from a cave in an undisclosed location in the mountains near the Pakistan-Afghanistan border since Jihad-Mart's inception.
Osama's Club also participates in donating to community activities such as the stoning of infidels, the Donation of car Bombs to Jihad Groups, and most importantly, Bicycle Safety lectures. They also infrequently make Jihad Videos declaring Jihad on such things as Tighty Whities, most Animals, hubcaps, most celebrities, and the Canadian Tire Guy.
[edit] CompetitorsJihad-Mart's primary rival is the US-based Target chain of department stores. Competition is fierce between the two chains. From his mountain cave, Osama bin Walton will most often be heard exhorting his troops (or "associates") to bomb US Targets or destroy US Targets utterly. Unfortunately, shoppers in these stores are often poorly-armed fat guys, with the result that hundreds or thousands of casualties are incurred in each attack on a key US Target location. Another not very well known competitor of Jihad mart isNo Frills with their low priced poppy seeds. THe CEO of said store is Billy Wai-Kit Cheung [edit] CriticismA Mecca for would-be freedom fighters, Jihad-Mart has often been the target of criticism from many in the region. They argue that the store has aggressively pushed smaller, "mom and pop" terrorist cells out of business and that suppliers are being held hostage to Jihad-Mart's pricing demands. Jihad-Mart is notorious for its non-union workforce and for importing large quantities of its product from wretched third world countries such as Arkansas. Jihad-Mart operatives, euphemistically known as "sales associates", tend to be rather aggressive in their marketing tactics — in some cases even more ruthless than the terrorists themselves. The large number of cameras deployed in Jihad-Mart stores also has been known to put privacy-conscious terrorists rather ill-at-ease[1]. The expansion of the Jihad-Mart empire nonetheless continues unchecked. [edit] Products
[edit] Expansion plans  Jihad-Mart's ambitions stop at nothing less than world domination. Jihad-Mart client states have encouraged the chain's lawyers to use the laws of eminent domain to push the nation of Israel into the sea, making room for the largest Jihad-Mart store ever. This has drawn objections in the Israeli business community, but Jihad Mart has more lawyers than all of them combined. |  |
