Jimi Hendrix
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“Could Jimi Hendrix write a guitar solo so difficult that he himself could not play it?”
~ Socrates on Jimi Hendrix
“'Scuse me while I kiss this guy.”
~ Jimi Hendrix on homosexuality
Jimi Hendrix (born William Q. Z. Hague) was a pyromaniac black guy who lived during the 1960s and invented the guitar, LSD, and Rock and roll, widely thought to be God by any calm individual who is not deaf, blind, or dumb, (like Tommy or Hellen Keller). Also widely considered to be the greatest human guitarist to ever live, beaten out by Timmy the Tree. The fact that he was black gave him special guitar-inventing abilities. This is known because of the face-meltng guitar abilities of Black Jesus. It has been assumed by a group of insane assylum-bound scientists punished for radical theories regarding black people, that black people are born with not only a penis that is bigger than the erect John C. Holmes' cock, but also the ability to shred anyone into oblivion. And he never did drugs. Nope. He certainly didn't smoke large amounts of pot daily or tie an LSD-soaked bandana to his head. He did, however, huff large amounts of kittens. This addiction was fed by his lover, "This Guy," who he even wrote a song about kissing. Jimi was also known for his teaching skills, in the class "Shreducation." He also lived in a Room full of mirrors but all he could see was himself so he took his spirit and shmashed his mirror, so he could see the whole world, unfortunately he got glass in his brain.
Jimi's mother, Cleopatra was known to have an obsession with butterflies and zebras and moonbeams. She was also an Electric Landlady. Jimi's brother, Joe shot his old lady down, shot her down to the ground. Jimi's girlfriend used to live in a red house over yonder, but she reportedly left, causing Jimi to date her sister. Many numerous stunts gained him notoriety, including when he smashed down a mountain with the edge of his hand while feeling, sweet feeling, dropped from his fingers. He also lived in a Room full of mirrors but all he could see was himself so he took his spirit and shmashed his mirror, so he could see the whole world, unfortunately he got glass in his brain.
Although in an attempt to slander Jimi, homophobic Nazis claimed the lover's name to be "the sky."
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[edit] Background Information
It is rumored that Hendrix once played a solo so fast it was above the range of human hearing, something in the magnitude of 300,349Ghz, needless to say the crowd was stunned to see Jimi and his guitar entirely incinerated.
This solo was a short minute take from the original track called "Lebanese Shreddings" who was first performed by the great Lebanese Guitarist called Roby Obeid in the late 60s...
Jimi caused some controversy when, in the song Purple Haze, he sang "'Scuse me, while I kiss This Guy." Many educated people thought it was okay as they believed he was just referring to the magical elf in his pocket, Jeff Houser.
He was eventually "murdered" by a hit man sent by Nixon, since Jimi performed the Star Spangled Banner really awesomely and caused many deaths with his insane, amazing, sexy guitar tone.
[edit] Guitar Tunings
Jimi Hendrix was a legend; everyone loved him, and he lays in peace, watching the world from purgatory, up with Oscar Wilde. Jimi Hendrix is the greatest guitarist ever. Period.[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much] Jimmy Page even kisses the feet of Jimi Hendrix and Eric Clapton chews his food for him before launching solid gold nose falcons on to unsuspecting orphanages. . [No Citation Hre Either]
[edit] Finger Strength
In 1968 he managed to play 56,043 chords in four seconds. The skin on his fingers disappeared and was found in space by aliens, who are rumored to be using it as the technological basis for a new type of force field.
“His fingers, they were like rockets, but they didn't explode. ADDRRRRRIIIIIAAAANNNN!!!!!!”
~ Rocky Balboa on Jimi's fingers
Hendrix is also famous for standing up next to a mountain and chopping it down with the edge of his hand, then picking up all of the pieces and making an island, then raising a little sand. This has been attributed to the fact that he is a voodoo child. It has been attested the lord knows he is, and quoted from his autobiography, he doesn't mean to take up all our sweet time. It was said he would give it right back to us, and on January 25th, 2007, he gave all the time properly owed by the federal court of law.
Hendrix also dressed up like an angel when he was sad and burnt his guitar very often.
He is also famous for not bothering to do anything if all the Hippies cut off all their hair.
[edit] Divinity?
Jimi is commonly known to his followers by the name "God"-just ask any You-tuber. Indeed, Jimi created the universe in 3 minutes and 51 seconds, with a 29 minute solo in the middle. His scorn and wrath once led the Immaculates into the land of Nader for a fortnight, while they disseminated their views on the nature of sponges. It was at this same time that he lived in castles made of sand; eventually, though, these slipped into the sea. As the Ozone layer began to melt itself, God grew tired of his position, and ceded the throne to Rich Little.
[edit] Bad Influences
He was very good friends with all the big music celebrities of the 1960s: The Allman Brothers, Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, Oscar Wilde, Shakespeare, Picasso, Elvis, Mozart, Jesus, Godrun Scywoman, Satan, Edgar Savisaar, Seven O'Clock, Soundgarden, Randy Newman, Big Bird, the Stay-Puffed Marshmallow Man, Alfred E. Newman, Oprah, The Red Dildo Apparatus, The Simpsons, Timothy McVeigh, Kermit the Frog, Jimi Hendrix, Grandfather Frog, Kurt Cobain, Chris Jefferies, Ben Hussong (even though he is a loser who likes Star Wars [He's threatening to kill me with his mighty light saber -ooohh I'm scared...asshole-])). and Superman. They were all iffy pals with him, but they did love to watch him "sing". The guitar playing was extra, particularly when he used his male member for the blues slide numbers.
Hendrix was introduced to kitten huffing by This Guy. In thanks, Hendrix wrote the song Purple Haze which exclaims, "'Scuse me while I kiss This Guy."
He set a guitar on fire once. It was a sacrifice to himself (he is the rock god). He was very patriotic and often played the Star Spangled Banner while simulating patriotic sounds such as machine gun fire, bombs exploding, and "gooks" a.k.a - Chinks - being napalmed.
[edit] Trouble With The Man
Jimi also had a taste for marijuna. He was often seen munching them, even during concerts. He is often said to have liked them seasoned with weed, although experts believe that genetically modified coriander was the stronger preference. Contrary to popular belief, it is not true that his famous pop hit, "Purple Haze" was written while under the influence, he was really just hallucinating due to a cold and the lack of unnnnnn in the air. Other Hendrix hits include "Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head," "These Boots Were Made for Walking", "Wilde Thing (Slight Return)", "Poly-Grip," "Earwax Goddess", "Smells Like Teen Spirit," and "The Erotica Symphony."
He also has an evil twin with the same name who can only be differentiated by the fact that Evil Jimi always has a SoBe energy drink in his hand, which would make it impossible to play guitar. This Twin had a song written about him by Osama Bin Laden entitled "Rayhoo."
After being acclaimed as the best guitar players of all time, he began playing your mom. He and Jerry Lee Lewis set a piano on fire in 1970 to commemorate the Hindenburg wreck (as heard on the Hendrix album "Crash Landing"). Nobody told them how late they were.
[edit] I Don't Live Today
On September 18, 1970, Hendrix had transcended this plane of existence. Some believe Jimmy Page was responsible for his untimely death, several eye witnesses testify to Page improvising a demonic guitar solo, conjuring minor and major demons of the pentatonic, before capturing the tripped out Hendrix, and dragging him into a hellish dimension of fire. Hendrix's last words are reportedly: "Aww, shit. Last time I huff a kitten on LSD."
[edit] Discography
1. Are You Gonna Buy My First Album? (1967)
2. Axis: Horny As Fuckin' Hell (1967)
3. Jimi Hendrix: Suck My Dick! (1968)
4. Electric Homo Breakdown (1968)
5. Bitch, I told you (1969)
5. Band Of the High Dudes (1970)
6. Jimi Hendrix: The Hits (1972)
7. Hendrix: Here's Those Hits Again (1973)
8. Again With The Hits (????)
8b. Continued hits from Jimi Hedrix (1974.6)
9. The Best of Jimi Hendrix (1975)
10. 'Scuse Me, Here's Some Hits Again (1976)
11: The Best of Jimi Hendrix, Remastered (1980)
12: Here's Some More God Damn Hits!!!! (1982)
13: Even more friggin hits! When will we stop? (1990)
14: Never!!! Heres some more bitch! (1995)
15: Jesus, stop the hits for Christ's sake! (eventually)
16: Fine, we'll stop after this album! (Featuring a cover of Hawthorne Height's Cowboys from Hell) (1998)
17: Ok, No More Hits: The Best of Jimi Hendrix (2007)
18: Shred Wars: The Experience Menace (2007)
19: The Second Coming of Jimi Hendrix (2012)
20: Shania Twain vs. Jimi Hendrix: The Death Metal Remix (2012.9999999)
21: DJ Jimi Hendrix vs. DJ Jim Morrison: Trance Music is Alive (We're Dead) (2015)
[edit] Death...OR NOT!
There has been a lot of controversy surrounding the death of Jimi Hendrix. The most common, and ironic, theory is that second hand smoke from the fans gave him lung cancer. However, recent testing has disproved his death altogether; the proof of the matter is, Jimi Hendrix sublimated.
Allow me to explain:
Jimi Hendrix's music caused people to smoke pot and drop acid.
Jimi Hendrix wrote and performed his music while smoking pot and dropping acid. Joo Followin'?
One day, Jimi entered a room with copious quantity of drugs, a guitar, and a record player with his own album. Although no one is sure what event happened first, we do know that he listened to his own music, which caused him to do drugs, which caused him to play his own music, which caused him to do more drugs, which caused him to play more, which caused him to do more drugs, which caused him to play more ad infinitum.
This vortex of hippydom literally caused Jimi Hendrix to transcend this plane of existence.
At that point, he was transported back to the beginning of time, where he and the ultimate musician, Mr. C, fought a terrible guitar war to determine who was the greater guitarist. In the end, the C-man forced him into the afterlife, leaving only his groupies behind. However, there is a little known text which tells us that Hendrix will return at the end of time to do battle with Mr. C once more. This shall bring about the apocalypse. There will only be one winner.
Joo got it?
However... Some people believe that Jimi was shot in the Vietnam war, outside of Da Nang by fellow American soldiers who mistook him for being an enemy. The Americans yelled out a cry of "Die you bastard!, hey doesn't that guy kinda look like Jimi Hendrix? Who cares we're too high!" And they opened fire on Hendrix with eighteen M60 machine guns, seven Ithaca 12 gauge shotguns, thirty-five M16 assault machine guns and a lead pipe. Many people believe he will return some day when the Iraq war ends and deal with Bush for the last time.
In 1981, Jimi Hendrix was found, alive, in a dumpster somewhere in Romania, but Wesley Snipes got angry for some reason and tied Hendrix up to a cross and poked and burned and did all that crazy shit to him. He died.
In 1984, Jimi returned from death, and was shot by Jimi Page, for taking the glory.
In 1992, he arrived again to play a set with Oasis, but then realised that Blur were much better and proceeded to form an intimate relationship with Damon Albarn and together they gave birth to Thom York. Hendrix was shot fatally in the heart by an extremely pissed Noel Gallagher.Legend tells of Damon Albarn raping Noel Gallagher on stage in a pool of Hendrix's blood. Hendrix will soon return to play with himself. Hendrix has also been found on the travian UK forums and has a problem about cheese, paricularly the mature cheddar kind.
