Jimmie Johnson
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| Boy, You are a Terrible Driver Noy! Is your name by chance uhhh <insert name here>? Heh! Heh! Heh! I'm on Fire! Help Me I'm on Fire! |
The author knows this because he is also a peckerhead and has frequently chatted with Jimmie Johnson at the meetings.
Jimmie Johnson (known by the U.S. government as 1031-3059-3060) was born on October 31, 1031 in Porchesia. He is a NASCAR driver and a child molester who sucks so much at racing he was once fired by 22 teams in one race just for driving too slow. He is the love child of Chewbacca and your mom. He also drove part time in Formula 1, but sucked at that even worse than NASCAR.
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[edit] Racing career
Jimmie began racing in Formula 1 when he was only 98 years old. He finished last in every race. When he was 99, he moved over to NASCAR. He became instantly famous for killing 59 fans in a spectacular crash that got him suspended for 59 years, one for each fan he killed. While he was suspended, he converted from radical Islam to Flying Spaghetti Monsterism and became a housewife. On his return to NASCAR, he finished last in every race until he was again suspended from all forms of auto racing when everybody found out he was the father of Anna Nicole Smith's daughter.
Jimmie drove the #420 Westboro Baptist Church car for Racist Racing before being traded to the #666 Playboy car for White Power Motorsports. He is currently making a comeback in NASCAR, driving the #00007694 PETA car for Radical Muslim Race Team. In his first start on the comeback trail, he finished 42nd out of 43, a career record. He also drove in F1 part time for Thetan Grand Prix to replace an injured Cole Trickle for 5 races while he was in the hospital, finishing last in all 5 events. He is currently looking for a F1 ride, and may start his own team, depending on whether or not he can finish higher than last again, which is highly unlikely. As of 2008, he has never finished better than 42nd in a NASCAR race.
[edit] Lifestyle
Jimmie has switched from homosexuality to heterosexuality and back to homosexuality. He has had many high- profile boyfriends over the years, such as Fred Phelps, C3PO, and Michael Jackson. He quit being gay so he could have a kid with Anna Nicole Smith and get all of her money, but after Mr. T killed Anna Nicole by making her listen to the numa numa song until she shot herself, Jimmie started being gay again. He also is a level 100 dungeon master in D&D and is in training to become a clinja. He was killed by Mr. T and had to stay dead for one full year as part of an initiation into the Freemasons.
He is also a member of the KKK. He enjoys playing football, fishing, molesting young boys (his favorite hobby), and launching RPGs at random houses. Jimmie is an avid Harry Potter fan and still lives with his mother. He also has an adopted daughter named Ella Sofia Gordon who will be far better than he is at NASCAR racing and a secret boyfriend named Jeff Gordon. Most recently he teamed up with former boyband member Nick Lachey to host a TV show about colon cleansing using a cock. Also, he won the 2007 Goatse.cx Cup (The championship for teams that cheated) for the 2nd year in a row. Runner up was Jeff Gordon, as the real NEXTEL Cup Championship went to Clint Bowyer.
[edit] Fashion
Jimmie Johnson wears frilly white granny panties with lots of lace in them. Also, he wears bras and nice flowered dresses. Jimmie also shaves his legs frequently and paints his nails a nice pink color.
[edit] Charitable contributions
Jimmie is a very generous person. He pledged a 999999999999999999999999 trillion Euro donation to NAMBLA over a 3 month period. He also is a heavy donater to the KKK, the Communist Party, the ACLU, and Fred Phelps's Westboro Baptist Church. Johnson also sponsors The Encyclopedia Dramatica Drive for Showing Goatse to Less Fortunate Children because he is a firm believer in the Goa Tse.
[edit] Controversies
Jimmie has been a center of controversy since he was born. He was the last person born in Porchesia before the Porchesian Holocaust. More recently, he used the N-word on live TV 30 times in one sentence. He was angry because a black NASCAR driver named Samuel L. Motherfuckin Jackson wrecked him on the last lap while Johnson was leading. The crash caused Johnson to finish last while Jackson won. Johnson apologized, but not before being bludgeoned with iron rods by angry NAACP members. Jimmie was believed to have played the lead role in El Falo Grande es en El Asno Firmemente (The big penis is in the tight ass), the highest grossing Spanish-language gay porn movie in the history of the universe, but the Jimmie Johnson lookalike in the movie was actually his druggie cousin Terrell Owens.
Jimmie was also arrested while after killing 4 drivers on the last lap the 3001 Daytona 500 while drunk, killing rookie Heywood Jablome, 25 time champion Seymour Cox, Harry Dix, the first driver to be both gay and a scientologist that actually wins races(Tom Cruise was the first gay scientologist driver, but he never finished higher than 19th), and Mike Rotch, a middle aged pedophile who lived with his grandmother and usually finished right ahead of Jimmie in 42nd. The 4 dead drivers were also drunk, autopsy reports say. He was sent to jail for 30 years, but released after serving only 29 years and 364 days. This caused NASCAR to outlaw the 1000 year old tradition of driving drunk at restrictor plate tracks.
Most recently, he was penalized 100 points and 230,000 canadian dollars (US$100,000) after driving into Tony Stewart's pit during a race and killing his entire pitcrew with the built-in lawn mower underneath the car while high on LSD after Tony Stewart wrecked him. NASCAR officials also penalized him an additional point for listening to Backstreet Boys while racing. After the end of the 2007 season, his sponsor, Lowes, was revealed to have paid NASCAR to fix races for Johnson to win. Though he kept the wins and the championship (which he would have never won if it weren't for the fixed races and the illegal engines), he was publicly raped by Chris Crocker, causing a great deal of embarassment, although Some fair and balanced sources claimed that he liked it. Fox News was right.
[edit] Trivia
- Jimmie Johnson not only drives NASCAR, but also races in Indy cars, where he finished his career best race, 2 spots ahead of last. He did this because two of the drivers were disqualified after getting into a fight over whose turn it was to fuck Danica Patrick after the race. Jimmie Johnson didn't have to worry about it, because he doesn't want to fuck Danica Patrick. Being a flaming faggot and all, he would probably wear her clothes instead if they were a size 22 instead of a size 2.
- Führer Jimmie Johnson is a proud neo-Nazi leader of the Minnesota Reich. He completely hates Jews, African Americans, Mexicans, Asians, straight people, Christians, Muslims, Scientologists, Jehovah Witnesses, Jesus, Chuck Norris, you, and anybody else who isn't a homosexual white supremacist.
- He still lives with
hisyour mother's lesbian lover. - Jimmie Johnson was once involved in a nasty wreck with another driver, and was pulled out of his car dead. When he was loaded onto the hearse, he heard them say the other driver was Asian, he woke from the dead and said "Just get this filthy chinks germs off of me." He managed to brutally sodomize the other driver in the garage after the race.
- Jimmie Johnson sent death threats to Franklin Roosevelt and Winston Churchill blaming them for making his glorious nazis lose the war.
- He was arrested for lewd conduct after getting caught having oral sex with another man on a park bench.
- His pornographic comic book collection is in the Guinness book of Records for biggest and most diverse.
- He was the only driver to score a pole position during qualifying while masturbating in the car.
- The last time Jimmie Johnson saw a pussy was when he came out of his mom's.
- Jimmie Johnson gave you AIDS
[edit] Jimmie's Favorite Shit
- Movie: Any gay porn film or "The Eternal Jew"
- TV show: Teletubbies, Naruto, or Barney
- Song or Artist: The Numa Numa song (Dragostea din tei by O-Zone)/ What What in the Butt
- Actress: None, he likes men only
- Gay porn actor: Any
- Race: White
- Race car driver: Anyone slower than him (which is nobody)
- Sexual orientation: gay or lezbo
- Dictator: Hitler
- Threesome buddies: Jeff Gordon and Tony Stewart
- KKK member: Any
- Black guy: none
- Mexican guy: none
- Jewish guy: none
- Asian guy: none
- White guy: the underwear models for Abercrombie
- Hobby: Dancing in front of a webcam to annoying Romanian boy band music
- Nerdy sci-fi show:
Alien Nation , Starman , Dark Skies, Earth: Final Conflict , First Wave , The Invaders, Project UFO , Robotech , War of the Worlds, The X-Files, The Outer Limits , Out of the Unknown, Science Fiction Theatre , RoboCop: The Series , Sea of Souls , Star Cops , Earth 2 , Stargate Atlantis, Stargate SG-1 , Battlestar Galactica, Babylon 5, Star Trek, etc, Get the idea?...
[edit] Links
This is a video of all of the crashes Jimmie Johnson was in
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