Jimmy Savile
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“Now then, Now then”
~ Jimmy Savile on The present and the past
“Ua-ua-ua-ua-ua-ua-ua! Now then, now then! How's about that then?”
~ Jimmy Savile on the crapper
Contents |
[edit] Early Life
Sir James Wilson Vincent Gold Savile (never "Saville" with two "l"s because that's clearly just silly) aka The Original Chav or Savile Vincent de Wilson de los James del Sir was born in 1898 in Leeds. He was drafted during World War I to work as a gold miner and this is thought to be where his addiction for snorting gold dust came from. Savile claims to have been the first person to DJ with 23 turntables and a tin of Heinz baked beans while receiving a golden shower from a group of cub scouts. This was later found to be a lie started by Jimmy's arch-nemesis Clive Anderson. He actually only used 12 turntables.
[edit] Careers
A common mistake is that Jimmy started his career in radio. This is a wicked lie and was probably started by Clive Anderson. Jimmy's actual first claim to fame was being co-owner of the company Burberry where Jimmy enjoyed a comfortable life as a bachelor. However, it was not meant to be and Jimmy was fired for his critically-slated "church tracksuit" and "burial tracksuit". After such a rejection, Jimmy took a gap year and did nothing but eat raw eggs and listen to Metallica. This is thought to be what made him the hardened warrior he is today.
[edit] James Bond ambitions
Contrary to unpopular belief, Jimmy was set to play the role of James Bond in the movie Gold Finger but was dropped from the role when he stole the gold paint featured in the film and painted several cub scouts gold. This lead to an enraged Sean Connery administering a damn good thrashing to Savile. Connery's viciousness so impressed the film-makers that he was cast as James Bond in the film in the place of the disgraced Jimmy.
[edit] Top Of The Pops
In 1960, Jimmy started a long stint presenting the BBC's flagship youth pop fab TV show Top Of The Pops. At the time, Savile's gold-addiction was still a shameful secret and he insisted on presenting the show in evening dress. The first few shows were critically-slated owing to Jimmy's insistence that having bands performing live was "a passing fad. you. see." and instead choosing to have featured Top 40 records played on vinyl on a record-player whilst "the kids" danced and Jimmy awkwardly grooved-gently from his leather presenters-chair. However, a shake-up by BBC top-brass saw bands performing on the show and Jimmy presenting in a standing-up position. Savile agreed to this on the condition that the programme-makers would allow him to also sport a topper and monocle. The latter memorably popped-out every time a band's performance was a particularly rawkus or raunchy one.
Savile left Top Of The Pops in 1975, handing over presenting duties to Darth Vader and Simon Bates. He returned to present the final Top Of The Pops in 2006, an infamous show during which Jimmy mostly ignored the autocue and drank tins of strong lager whilst holding-forth his "bitter" and "obscenity-littered" thoughts on TOTP, the featured bands and the BBC. His dismissal of Babyshambles as "ua-ua-ua singing junkies!" lead to an in-studio fist-fight with Pete Doherty which was declared a draw by the production staff. Savile was supposed to have ended the show with the words "It's still Number One, it's Top Of The Pops!" but was unable to as he was busy being sick into Doherty's trilby.
[edit] Jim Can't Fix It
When Jimmy was ready he decided to start his own show Jim Can't Fix It. This was to be the show that launched him into the showbiz career and made the godzilla-ionair he is today.
The show was based around the idea of members of the public (usually children) sending Jimmy letters asking for his help with a situation or to make a dream come true. Jimmy then spent the rest of the show rejecting these requests and then going into detail of why he can't fix it. Over the years the show was broadcast, Jimmy failed to make many peoples' wishes come true including performing onstage with Adam Ant ("He's a professional, you know, he only works with professionals"), being served breakfast by Samantha Fox ("She's too busy being a whore") and curing a little boy's cancer ("I'm not Jesus"). Probably the most famous show is the edition that featured the group of cub scouts who wanted to eat their dinner in a weird place, in which Jimmy told them "No".
Anyone who appeared on the show won one of Jimmy's special medals which were handmade by Jimmy himself. These were made of pure bakelite and featured the words "Jim Didn't Fix It For Me" painted on them skillfully with tippex. For the last show in 1994, Savile considered having the letters painted in gold paint as a celebratory gesture but Jimmy found it too hard to relinquish some of his precious gold.
[edit] British Rail promotion
Jimmy famously and memorably fronted various adverts for British Rail in the 1980s. These adverts usually featured Savile, dressed as a gold-chain wearing Edwardian pimp, hanging around various railway stations in the UK and harassing passers by for not buying enough tickets and not travelling far enough. Some also featured him on the trains themselves, commenting on the interior luxuries British Rail was famous for. One memorable advert broadcast from 1981-82 had Jimmy in the restaurant car in which he greedily and savagely devoured a savaloy whilst telling viewers about BR's latest onboard buffet service. This particular advert received complaints from parents who felt that it was undoing all their good work in encouraging their children not to talk with their mouths full.
Savile always delivered the famous catchphrase at the end of these adverts - "This is the age of the car - but go by train!"
[edit] Hair
Jimmy's hair is a result of not cutting it since 1979 and has stared in many films such as Gandalf's beard from the Lord of the Rings trilogy, Sean Connery's chest hair, and most famously Pierce Brosnan.
[edit] Sexuality
Basically, we don't know. Nor does he.
[edit] Battle with gold
In late 1998, following a particularly depraved visit to a South African gold mine, Savile was persuaded to go into G-hab at the famous "Halls Of Montezuma" clinic in Mexico to try and cure his gold fever. After going gold turkey for forty days and forty nights, Jimmy was released from G-hab a cured man. Now Jimmy enjoys his favourite past time of injecting himself with minerally-pure gold responsibly.
[edit] The Man Today
After many years of work for his country, Jimmy has finally been recognised and was awarded knighthood when he donated his entire collection of golden tracksuits to starving Africans. His collection was so extensive it has now been recognised that the golden tracksuit is the official dress wear for the African people. Jimmy has also been knighted in many countries such as Papua New Guinea and Malta. However, his crowning glory was being number one in the "Man With Most Bling" competition 2002, finally beating Mr.T and 50 Cent.
Jimmy is also recognised for starting one of the biggest trends there is, the tracksuit, long time fan 50 Cent saw Jimmy when he was only a small monkey and has imitated his style ever since. This style of tracksuits can be seen all of the world from USA to the UK (but mainly Africa) and just goes to show that after all these decades Jimmy is still cool.
In 2007, Savile returned to television on the digital channel UK TV Gold with All New Jim Can't Fix It. This show both revisits past guests who Jim was unable to fix things for (including the former ambassador of the Socialist Republic of Yugoslavia who's "fix" of preventing his country from sliding into civil-war Savile was unable and unwilling to grant in 1990) as well as new fixes which Jim patiently rejects in the style that made him famous.
Jimmy currently lives 3,000 feet above the Earth in his gigantic gold-plated private jet, smoking cigars and not giving a damn about you. Jimmy lives his life way above mere mortals.
