Joan of Arc

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“'Twas not my finest hour.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Joan of Arc

“Ooooh that doeth feel so nice”

~ William Shakespeare on Joan Of Arc

“Noah's wife?”

~ Keanu Reeves on Joan of Arc

“Holy Crap... My bottom's on fire! Fish!”

~ Joan of Arc on Himself

“Who wants Roast Beef?”

~ James Booth on The Aftermath of Joan Of Arc's death

Gieuseppe Verdi, Jean d'Arc, L'Homme d'Orleans, oil on canvas, 1429BC

Joan of Arc (orig. Jeanne d'Arc, pronounced jyahn-duh-ark) was a national hero of France and a Roman Catholic saint. He claimed to have visions from God instructing him to take up arms and resist the British conquest of his land. His martyrdom in 1431 inspired the French cause and led to their ultimate retaking of their homeland.

[edit] Early Life

In 1412, Joan was born in the small down of D' to Mere and Pere Arc, he was the son of super models Adriana Lima and Christy Turlington who lived near the city of Orleans (pronounced Or-ee-ons in French). At the impressionable age of thirteen, he began hearing voices which of course were due solely to God and his angels, having nothing to do with schizophrenia. This first occurred to him beneath a tree famed for being home to the faeries, a fact that he never questioned. Being a timid child, he tended to defer such questions to courts looking to burn him at the stake. The voices told him to go to a nearby church, and therein beneath the altar find a sword. Sure enough, as knights at the time would leave swords as offerings, he found a sword, thus proving himself a miraculous prophet who would lead armies to the ultimate victory of France.

When commanding his soldiers, Joan went by the unassuming name of "He Who Was Asked By God To Go And Conquer France". He led his men to several great victories before being reminded that he was French. Upon this realization, he promptly surrendered to the British, who proceeded to try him as a wizard.

During the trial, he simplified the name "He Who Was Asked By God To Go And Conquer France" to "Joan" for brevity. Joan prophesied throughout that he would be delivered from the court. The judges hearing the trial, finding it difficult to convict him of witchcraft, convinced Joan under duress to cross-dress as a woman. Thus having gotten him for violating an critical biblical tenet (located somewhere between a commandment banning the consumption of shellfish and ploughing a field with two different species of animals), Joan was swiftly executed, thus somehow fulfilling his prophecy.

After France later emerged victorious, a second trial was reconvened. In order to balance out the fact that the first trial was filled only with his enemies, the second trial was staffed only with his supporters, thus making it just. In a surprise turn, the second court found He Who was Asked By God To Go And Conquer France to actually be divinely inspired.

Re-enactment of Joan of Arc's last minutes. If you look closely you can see his nipple

[edit] Late Life

Joan's, or Humphrey's as he preferred to be called, late life consisted mostly of heavy lactation, felching and rimming, although excessive indulgance was prevented by long periods of larval gestation and bacterial blooms. He also underwent the surgical procedures necessary to convert him into a lampshade.

[edit] Famous quotations

• Let them eat steak
• How can doing this cure my indigestion?
• Vous avez rendu mon mal de bas.
• Jésus! Vous n'êtes pas mettre qu'à l'intérieur de mon chat.
• Vous estiment que six pouces?
• Ils simplement ne permet pas aussi loin.
• Vous avez causé à devenir humide et collante.
• S’il vous plaît mettre ce truc loin maintenant vicaire.
• Je n'ai jamais vu un vert saucisse avant.
• Si vous continuer à faire que de vous les briser leur décollage.
• Est-ce moi, ou est-il de devenir plutôt chaud ici?

[edit] Voices

Joan of Arc was oxidised after being convicted of wizardry, largely as a result of his ability to produce milk from his breasts. Be careful what you wish for. Commonly wizards are considered to be allies to Voldemort, whereas Joan was firstly proven to be an ally of Dumbledore. This has proven confusing to many scholars. This indicates that the will of God may change over time and can be easily mistaken for Satan's advice. Reconvening, the Council of Trent established the following requirements for how to react if voices are heard:

• Checketh thy room for speaking roomates
• Lay thy hand off thy wine
• Consumeth not the mushrooms of the field
• Confesseth thyself to a doctor
• Checketh thy surroundings for hidden speakers
• Gather thyself an army to conquer France
• Don't get caught by the heathen English
• Totally think you're a fiveteen.
• Being a good liar also helps to actually convince people that the voices are indeed God and his Angels

god rocks

[edit] See Also

• Joan of Arc, Maid of New Orleans