Joaquin Phoenix

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Joaquin Phoenix in his Oscar winning role as Steve the midshipman in 'To Fin For'.

"In the world of thermometers, he would be Dutch."

~ Casey Affleck, owner of New Kids On The Block hair.

"Even if he can't spell cinnamon correctly I'd still mate with him."

~ Liv Tyler, ex girlfriend and pong addict.

"He is the only hope our nation has for change."

~ Dwight D. Eisenhower, professional Kevin Bacon fan.

Joaquin Phoenix is an elitist manatee who is most famous for his role in To Fin For costarring Casey Affleck, brother to Ben Affleck. Joaquin and Casey met during the Christmas of Celine, 47 years ago while filming the movie in Norway under hazardous conditions created by the Great Manatee Depression of 42BC. Since then they have starred in 92 films together including Walk The Plank and Oceans Threehundred-eightyfive. They are an unstoppable acting force and are projected by CNN to take over the world in 2017 when they will turn all of Mexico into a museum and theme park.

*This page is composed of fictional material created by
emptycages and morganomally.
It has nothing at all to do with the real Joaquin Phoenix.

1 Biography

[edit] Biography

Hatched on the third moon of Pluto on October 28th 1492, to loving sperm donors Orville Redenbocker and Mary Kate Olsen, the family hover craft was full of eels thus Joaquin was tossed out as a youngster. Soon after he changed his name to Pepito to be more like his sisters Fall and Juan "angry eyebrow" Valdez. After a brief stint in a high wire tuba band at a cruelty free circus, Joaquin went into seclusion. Living in a coat hanger factory in Puerto Rico, spending his time as a free thinker, Phoenix invented both Keanu Reeves and subsequently maple syrup. With the patent still pending on his creations, Joaquin headed back to Hollywood, uncovering the myths of Atlantis before getting a role in Murder She Wrote as Billy Donovan, Angela Lansbury's house keeper and live in lover. Viewers were appalled by the show and its use of hand-puppets controlled by body parts other than hands. It was soon canceled. Luckily Joaquin was immediately cast in Manatee Soldiers in which he played a U.S. solider on shore leave at Sea World. To date Joaquin has starred in 1,383 films, including Walk The Plank - a silent film about Davey Jones, member of The Monkees, in which he played a knit green cap. Currently he is filming Reservation Pond and working on his masters degree in marine biology.

[edit] Random Facts

His first name is pronounced "Robert".
Now resides in Ohio, Hawaii.
Is made completely out of electrical tape.
Is currently touring with his band Joaq Of Seagulls, featuring Kirsten Dunst on the drums and Dominic Monaghan and Casey Affleck on the kazoo.
Is a strip Boggle champion.
Transforms into JoaquinHULK if angered.
He spent much his young life living off of the contents of the River Phoenix, the banks provided living space and the river was his prime source of food and water. when it unexpectedly dried up 15 years ago he was forced to get a job.

[edit] Charity

In 2004 Phoenix opened a home in California for vagrant talking rats. His work in charities including PETW (people for the ethical treatment of wookies) and the SFLG (society for liberating groundhogs) is widely known and respected. Recently he created the foundation Joaqs of Love, which donates Joaquin's eyebrow hair to balding men, Dave Matthews was the charities first recipient. Phoenix's hair is also home to many endangered frog species and is registered as a national wild life reserve.

[edit] Romantic Life

For the first 49 years of his life Phoenix was devoutly celibate. That was until he met Steve The Inflatable Pirate. Together they spent many romantic afternoons avoiding sharp objects. Unfortunately for Steve, Joaquin's heart was easily swayed when on a boating trip along the coast of Hawaii he met naked Dominic Monaghan, star of Lost. The two hit it off instantly, falling in love over laminated pictures and cough drop wrapper origami. Despite Monaghan's strong bean scent, Phoenix adored him. After canceling Christmas and building a tower of love out of a bag of skittles, they knew it was meant to be. Phoenix was willing to do anything to keep Monaghan and publicly battled his only competition for Monaghan's heart - arch nemesis Rachael Ray. The two duked it out in a to the death battle. The contest came down to who could fit the most vegan pineapple pizza's in the back of a 2006 Prius within 30 minutes and Joaquin won. Dominic and Joaquin have been happily together ever since despite the domestic abuse and public affairs with William Shatner and Alan Thicke. They are expecting their first garden gnome in 2008.