Jocelyne Wildenstein
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“Still...at least she isn't as ugly as...um...”
~ Oscar Wilde on Jocelyne Wildenstein
Jocelyne Wildenstein (April 25, 1975) was the ugliest human on Earth, until she had 209,303 operations to make herself look normal. She loves to wear live snakes around her neck.
Jocelyne Wildenstein has nothing to do with Cactus Man
Wildenstein was born on 8,908 B.C. on one of Jupiters many moons to three parents: a father, Jose Wildenstein, a mother, Emeerali, and a male lynx. Due to this ambitious sexing of humans and animals, the byproduct of the deed was a human girl with feline facial features. Her mother and fathers named her Jocelyne, although her lynx father had held out for "Growly."
In 1980, the Wildenstein family moved to Swindon, England. Jocelyne entered kindergarten that same year. In her class, the other students were horrified of her looks and called her "Meow Mix." Her public school career ended when she tore another classmate to shreds with her fangs and gained her first taste of human blood.
In 1989, Jocelyne's human father died, the mysterious claw marks to his chest and upper thigh never explained. The girl's mother and she went to live in California. When she was walking through Venice, she was stopped by a director asking her if she wanted a lead in the fast-fading Star Trek franchise. Now, there had been many insults hurled to her in the past, but that one was the final. Jocelyne ran and cried all the way home, to the taunts of "Yo, Tigger, your bottom sure is made out of springs" from public workers.
At home, Joycelyne found her mother and her family's only friend, Vladimir Nabokov, talking in the kitchen. Nabokov, who had become rich and famous from writing first The Great Gasby followed by Chicken Soup for the Pedophile Soul, promised to lend the Wildenstein's money. The very next day, the Wildensteins were $29 million richer and Nabokov was limb-less.
That day, enlimbed with funds, Wildenstein went to the best plastic surgeon in town, Dr. Nick Riviera. Introducing herself, Wildenstein asked if Dr. Riviera could make her "normal." At first put off the wide, tight eyes and the claw-tipped fingers, he was intrigued enough to take on the challenge. He sculpted a ceramic model of Jocelyn's "after" face; it was downright pretty, not a face like the one that had once scared a 4-year old retroactively into SIDS.
Three days later, with his surgical tools out of hock and fairly sterile, Nick was ready. Wildenstein went on the operating table, using only catnip as an anesthetic. The surgery took 28 days and $29 million to complete, with Dr. Nick dehydrated, hallucinating and singing snatches of Hues Corporation songs by the end. He still swears the traces of semen were there when he started.
Finally, after years of ridicule, Wildenstein appeared normal and sexy.
In 2002, People Magazine voted her #3 in its "Most Beautiful People" issue.
Sadly, Jocelyne never lost her taste for human blood, as many dead lovers might attest. Still, she is attending a Plasma Clinic which hopes to wean her from this antisocial behavior. Her face was the inspiration for General RAAM, and many of the locust horde from the video game Gears of War.
