Jock
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
| Common field jock | |
|---|---|
 | |
| Kingdom | Animalia |
| Phylum | Chordata |
| Class | Mammalia |
| Order | Primapes |
| Family | Homophobae |
| Genus | Jockus |
| Species | Homo Jockus |
Contents |
[edit] Overview
A Jock, a pre-evolution version of the homo sapien species, is defined by most scientists as homo jockus although some scientists argue whether they are actually more closely related to the great apes. Please note that a jock is entirely different from an athlete, and if you're unable to distinguish the two, perhaps you should read the rest of the article. Some Jocks, particularly large ones, were well informed.
[edit] Appearance
In general, jocks look similar to homo sapiens, but there's often some tiny hidden details you'd never know about.
[edit] Natural
Jocks are instantly recognizable by their large torsos, muscle arms, and a face that looks like it suffered several blows from a sledge hammer during infancy or pregnancy. However, in contrast to this pristine upper physique, their legs are often slightly smaller and disproportionate to the rest of their body. Their skin (in the same way as a chameleon) is colored to reflect their surroundings, this always takes the form of sporting clothing. This sporting clothing often resembles the clothing the jocks denote their affiliation with, and by doing this, they form 'teams'. The sports clothing is often decorated with random numbers, their 'team name' (usually an animal or a conjugated verb), or the individual jock's surname. If a jock is taken to a place that doesn’t have any sports relation, then they will change skin and die. Physically, they are considered to be (especially by themselves) the peak of human perfection; however in many respects they lack mentally what many normal humans do not.
[edit] Accessories
Along with their visually upsetting attire, jocks are also often associated with their accouterments, also referred to as jock gear. These consist of various apparatus for playing sports, such as a baseball bat, soccer ball, lacrosse mallet, boxing gloves, Spring shoes and that required device for almost all sports, the athletic supporter, or jockstrap. Male homosexuals will do almost anything to obtain some of these items, especially in used condition. They have been known to offer substantial sums of money for these items to athletes, whether professional or amateur. The most prized of these items is, of course, the used jockstrap. Sotheby's Greenwich Village will be hosting their first auction of used Celebrity Jock Gear, featuring items from the personal collection of David Beckham, Joe Montana, and Jason Gould (a football helmet from The Prince of Tides is expected to attract substantial interest).
[edit] Behaviour
Jocks have generally simplistic behavior, strangely similar to canines, suggesting that at, perhaps one time, there was an unfortunate mating mishap that spiraled out of control.
[edit] Recreational
- Playing sports of any kind unless it is either cheerleading, dance, or volleyball. Should the jock partake in those sports, he will be cast away from the group, enduring many euphemisms for the word 'homosexual' spoken by his peers.
- Putting a ball in a net, compensating for the jock's uncertain heterosexuality.
- Lifting rocks
- Watching other jocks lift rocks.
- Calling each other gay while lifting rocks.
- Calling each other gay while watching others lift rocks.
- Playing grab ass in the shower.
- Playing competitive grab ass in the shower.
- Playing team grab ass in the shower.
- Playing grab ass while lifting rocks in the shower.
- Playing capture the flag grab ass in the shower.
- Playing team capture the flag grab ass while lifting rocks in the shower.
- Watching other jocks playing grab ass in the shower while lifting rocks.
- Watching other jocks playing grab ass while calling each other gay while lifting rocks in the shower.
- Playing hide the sausage in a French classroom with jock peers.
- Launching themselves off a flight of stairs in a chair with wheels despite the whole common-sense myth.
[edit] Eating habits
A jock's diet is quite simple: anything they can fit in their mouth. With intense training, some jocks have been able to use a knife, fork, spoon, and even a ladle in rare cases, to eat food amongst homosapiens. They have even been trained so well they were able to finish entire meals without devouring their utensils. It should be noted that jocks will attempt to eat any foreign object, whether it be old popcorn on a theater floor, or ichiban soup made with urine flavoring. They are much more likely to eat something you 'dare' them, and doubly so if you 'double dare' them. Liquids are generally the same deal as solids: eat it first, attempt to ask questions later. However, strangely enough, jocks have seem to taken a liking to water, and Gatorade, referred to them as '[color] water', replacing the color tag with blue to signify they want Fierce Wild Berry, red for Fruit Punch, etc. After a jock is finished consumption of whatever it chooses to eat, it's body will attempt to vomit up whatever just entered it's stomach. This is technically good because most things jocks attempt eat (everything) are considered to be toxic. However, because the brain is incapable of ordering the body to do such a thing amidst all the other complicated activities, the jock will generally just emit a loud belch, causing laughter amongst it's peers. For snacks about the day, jocks will attempt to chew (often due to peer pressure) anything, ranging from bark, semen from anything that makes semen, tobacco, keyboards, to pencils or any other common school supply.
[edit] Communication
Most jocks tend to have very little means of communication, so they rely on basic instinct, which can involve banging hockey sticks against the floor in a form of primitive morse code, or touching each other to signify their feelings. When confronted and confused, a jock will result to threatening to hurt another of it's kin, or once again spouting off it's wide range of homosexual euphemisms. Jocks are surprisingly capable of writing, though it's incredibly difficult to read without special training. This is due to the problem that they even misspell words they have been around their entire lives (spelling 'hockey' as 'hochey', etc). However, because they are able to communicate a thought successfully, it is good enough for them, and they chase the issue no further. Another method of jock communication involves ridiculous hand movements similar to that of a speech by Hitler. God knows what they're trying to convey, but scientists unanimously agree it has something to do with sodomy.
[edit] Mating habits
Jocks are only considered to be male, and any jock claiming to be any other gender is likely a mutant, commonly referred to as a dyke, or a lesbian. The jock's species only hope for survival is to find any compatible female for it to mate with, which only come in the form of cheerleaders. However, it should be noted jocks often attempt to mate with each other, and thankfully, to no avail. Strangely enough, should a jock fail to mate with a cheerleader, or vice versa, they will be expelled from the flock, shed their natural chameleon skin, and effectively, and phenomenally, becoming a smarter person. It should be noted that while this change is reversible, once it happens, a jock can become indistinguishable from a homo sapien, unless he changes back into a jock.
[edit] Jock eggs
The 'jock egg' is a-priori and is taken with the jock everywhere they go. they come in many different shapes and sizes, and are painted differently according to the occasion, for example; some round jock eggs are painted as baseballs, other more 'flat-shaped' eggs are used at hockey occasions. Jock eggs are not created by mating but are presumed to have simply been in existence since the creation of the universe. They were abandoned here on earth by an alien species who deemed the eggs 'too dangerous' after jocks had a redemption against slavery on their planet. They are stored deep within a primitive cave somewhere deep within the earth. the eggs laid dorment in until 1572 when Pope John Jock the 2nd accidentally awakened one in an seemingly harmless sporting event. Unfortunately the match was far too dangerous and quickly escalated to 'OMFG a jock!!! RUN!!' status. The same thing happens today in common sporting events which are actually ritual attempts to awaken a jock egg. This is why receiving the game 'ball' is such an honour among jocks. Jocks compete with eachother to see who is most suitable to father the jock-spawn-to-be. They do this by means of sporting events in which many candidate fathers participate in hope that they may one day earn the rights to have their very own jock. It is regarded as a high honour. Often they best way to prove ones eligibility for this prestigious award is to see who can throw the egg the farthest, kick the hardest and shout the most gibberish. This explains a lot of the onground behaviour of jocks, violence is simply means for eliminating potential father competition and to increase their own chances to get the egg for themselves.
There is only one way to destroy a jock egg. In order for a jock egg to be destroyed it must be thrown into the fires of mount doom. Only one being has ever succeeded in doing in this.
[edit] Jock Field Guide
Jocks are generally similar to homosapiens, and can therefore be a problem to identify and deal with. As such, this guide provides quick tips on how to detect, handle, or capture a jock.
[edit] How to Detect a Jock
Jocks are generally simplistic creatures in nature, but without a careful eye, are indistinguishable from a homo sapien. Here's a few tips on how to recognize a jock:
- Jocks vocabulary consists of a few words, however, recent studies suggest they are capable of learning several dozen words over a period of a few years. However, should you witness a person (if you consider jocks to be 'people', many do not) using the words homo, fag, queer, gay, suck, or blow more than five times within a minute, chances are the speaker is a jock. There have been several accounts suggesting jocks have used words such as 'vendetta' or 'ogre', but many scientists refute this, due to little evidence showing they're capable of multisyllabic or complex words.
- Jocks love to exercise. There is no reasonable explanation for this behavior, outside of that it is part of their simplistic nature.
- Jocks have a natural (for their species, anyways) obsession with automobiles. Scientists are still deciding on the reason why. The most popular theory is that Jock's are mesmerized by the way Automobile's glide across asphalt. Perhaps the spinning wheels seem to cause a strange attraction. Nevertheless, if you find someone who talks about cars an awful lot, you may have a jock. Be careful though, as this trait is also very apparent in rednecks.
- Jocks, while in their high school stage, tend to be very popular amongst their equally cretinous peers. However, upon growing up, they tend to make a living working at grocery stores,or begging on the streets, where nobody will make eye contact with them. Should you be tempted to do so, it is recommended you resist these urges, lest you possibly engage in a conversation with him, which is one of the most physically and mentally daunting tasks.
- Jocks tend to walk like they're suffering a severe kidney, bladder, spleen, or liver injury, or as if they've got an object crammed onto their rectal shelf (not an uncommon case). This generally can be described as if they've got a limp... in both legs, and every step is a horrible experience filled with trauma, but they can pull through, thanks to their incredible muscles. Scientists think this is just for attention, or they really do have something stuck on their rectal shelf.
- This species is particularly well known for ridiculous hand movements similar to a bird flapping it's wings. While this is also common among homosexuals, be aware if you witness this behavior.
[edit] How to Handle an Encounter with a Jock
Should you ever encounter a jock, which is easily done by attending public high school, and enrolling into Physical Education, here is a quick guide on how to handle the situation.
- Don't panic.
- Attempt to subdue the jock by attracting it's attention towards a desired object, a football, for example, if you're in a football field. This may backfire and make the jock angry at you if you use the wrong item at the wrong place. For example, a basketball at a soccer field.
- Play soothing music, if at all possible. Soothing music, to a jock's malformed ear, due to genetic mutation, generally can range from Korn to rap. As such, any music appreciated by pretentious oldies rock fans or lovers of automobiles should work to subdue the beast. Any bands with complex notes, rhythm, etc (Raffi and anything above) may anger the jock.
- Cookies with sedatives added in. Jocks love to eat and/or attempt to eat anything that will fit in their gaping maw. They will easily accept a cookie with a sedative added in. An old wives tale, with some credit to it, perhaps, says jocks will even drink lemonade with urine mixed in, and not even notice.
- Speak simply and slowly. Jocks can't quite comprehend anything after a grade two level of thinking, so be sure to use short, concise words to get the point across. Adding in any homosexual euphemisms the jock is aware of may confuse them into thinking you too, are a jock. Remember, once again, use small words. They are much more likely to understand "fag" as opposed to "sodomite".
[edit] How to Capture a Jock
Capturing a jock is a delicate subject. Few books have been written on the subject, because there is no profit to made, due to the fact that all purchasers of said books are committed, hung and quartered, or imprisoned in a sewer. Therefore, the point of this little guide is to let those select few individuals who'd want to catch a jock learn how to catch a jock, without anyone seeing them do it, it being the learning process, not the actual capture of the jock, which can only be done in public.
This process involves several steps which are dangerously easy to accomplish.
1. Set the bait. This is really easy. Just tell the jock you intend to capture at there is football/basketball/soccer/hockey/wrestling/swimming/track meet/etc practice in an area in which the jock knows, and where there are an abundance of nets. Several examples include a gymnasium, or a rink, or possibly a beach. Maybe a field, but most nets are bolted down into the ground, so this is counterproductive to our purpose.
A gymnasium is your best bet, where nets are easily moved, and very abundant.
2. Tell the jock to play defense, or better yet, goal. This may be difficult. You see, most jocks have a sort of chemical in their brain called an endolphin, that releases and triggers and intense desire to be on offense, where they will put the ball in the net/hoop/other players court. However, the endolphins are easily counteracted with the follow.
- Steroid use, or
- Telling the jock that being in goal and or defense makes them the vital aspect of the team and everybody depends of them.
- A combination of 1 and 2.
If all else fails, tell them cheerleaders love to fuck goalies and or defense men.
3. Once the jock has entered the area of the mobile net, and is in the general goalie position common to most sports played by jocks, perform step four.
4. Flip the net over.
5. Push the open part of the net against a wall.
[edit] The Grand Unified Jock Evolutionary Theory
Jocks are complex creatures. Well, in regard to cells and cell processes and circulatory systems and organs and whatnot, they are. In regards to behavior mentioned above, no, not so much. Regardless, they have evolved in a somewhat different manner than homosapiens, and due to the whole Darwin thing involving adapting to different environments and whatnots, we got Homo Jockus. This section, The Grand Unified Jock Evolutionary Theory, is dedicated to showing the mistakes evolution made and why we should laugh at them.
[edit] Selective Hearing
It has been proven via science, complete with a scientific method filled with hypotheses and conclusions and observations and whatnot all neatly in order and hung up in the locker of an angry teenager in grade 10, that jocks do, in fact, have selective hearing.
The idea goes something like this: jocks evolved in a different area than normal people. Scientists found relatively well preserved jock skeletons in a cave with primitive lines painted on the floor in several different types of blood (A, B, AB, O) resembling lines found in a gymnasium. Said jock skeletons are complete with large pools of blood around them, suggesting the jocks unknowingly used their own blood to paint lines on a primitive gymnasium floor, presumably for sports, and proceeded to die of blood loss. And while these jocks were not so lucky, we can assume other jocks also lived in these primitive sports facilities, and did play sports, while not all suffering from blood loss. Growing up in a gymnasium through hundred, nay, thousands, of years does encourage small changes over the years. One, being the title of this subsection, and if you've forgotten it, it is Selective Hearing. You see, jocks would constantly be told of their homosexuality by fellow jocks, be subject to insults, teasing, taunting, and sodomy, though the latter is unrelated, and over thousands of years, they grew to try to ignore it as to preserve their egos. They still can, but it must be said many times loudly, slowly, and in much succession. Therefore, jocks can only hear compliments. This is easily tested. For example, if you're in French class accompanied by a beautiful girl who comes up with this theory, and there is a jock in range, which is unlikely in a French class, test a conversation like this:
- You: [Jock] is a faggot.
- You [Louder]: [Jock] is a faggot.
- You [Louder]: [Jock] is a faggot.
- You [Louder]: [Jock] is a faggot.
Pause a few moments and allow yourself a couple of giggles, maybe outright maniacal laughter if you feel you've earned it. Then, say this:
- You: [Jock] is a good at [sport].
This will involve the jock swiveling his head and uttering a grunt that will rhyme with 'duh' (huh, buh, uh, whuh, etc). This test has been proven to work again and again, and scientists often cite it as evidence for evolution.
[edit] Anatomy
A recent autopsy on a deceased jock, who, according the autopsy, died of an incident involving hockey sticks, rocks, and grabass in the shower, revealed some very interesting information regarding jock anatomy. In order to dislodge the hockey stick, surgeons had to open the cranium, and much to their surprise, what they found was not a brain. It was a malformed liver, similar to the poetry writing Vogons. Apparently, all of a jocks 'neural' activity is conducted by a relatively useless and incapable chunk of flesh, which explains quite a bit. Surprised by this discovery, the doctors pursued it further: in the name of medical science, they tore apart the jock's body, attempting to find something new, and boy, did they. Within the jock's testicles, as opposed to human sperm production, they found something much more interesting: a biological equivalent of a shaved ice machine. Another unique attribute is that jock's even have advanced eyes, though most evolutionists refuse to speak of this: a jock is quite capable of seeing in the dark. Why this is necessary at all was not understood until it occurred to someone that sometimes naked men run around in the dark, and being able to see this is crucial to a jock's sexual survival. Darwin refuses to comment.
When the surgeons opened the stomach, they found two beer cans and a bar of soap.
