Johannes Brahms

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"Brahms' music is more boring than it sounds."

~ Mark Twain on Brahms

"What? No singing?."

~ Wagner on Brahms

"I only remember writing nine symphonies."

~ Beethoven on Brahms' Symphony No. 1

Johannes Brahms (1833-1897) was a Cypriotese photographer, advocate, village idiot, sculptor, deer-hunter, art director, copywriter, trombone violator, and part-time composer. He is most famous for his athletic achievments, which include

• swimming across the Mediterranean with his legs and arms tied together
• winning the Persians at Marathon
• smoking a whole cigar in 1.4 seconds
• composing five (5) symphonies
• taking a nap
• not shaving for 30 years
• writing 43,420 oboe concertos
• being the first, and so far only, contestant evicted from Big Brother for conducting Davina McCall.

[edit] Life

Brahms was born in 1833 in the Cypriotian village of New Brussels. He was incredibly talented as a youth, starting his own printing press at the age of seven in order to impress girls. This did not work very well, however, and a disenchanted Brahms ran away from home five minutes later. Brahms now led a simple life, sleeping in ditches, roaming around the Mediterranean Sea,farming secreted pelican mucus and studying counterpoint at the Vienna conservatory. He grew his characteristic beard when he was 31 and began work as an independent composer in Austria-Hungary.

Brahms's music was very popular among the Viennese public, despite his habits of repeatedly yelling "Yeah! Who's your daddy?" and throwing eggs at the audience whilst conducting, the latter done in order to imitate Beethoven. He met composer and critic Robert Schumann, whom he later drove crazy by giving him long lists of European cities in alphabetical order and dressing up like the ghosts of Beethoven and Mozart at night. Schumann retired to an asylum while his wife, Clara, tried to learn some of Brahms's waltzes. Brahms later moved to Lower Manhattan in the 1880's, starting a barbershop opposite the New York Stock Exchange. After several of his clients had mysteriously disappeared, leaving only messy and highly expressive blood stains behind, Brahms returned to his native Cyprus in 1886. In his later years Brahms resembled a hedgehog. He died of the dreaded typhoid fever/measles/pubonic plague combo which swept the entire Cyproteanic island clean of all known life in 1897.

Today, there is a statue depicting Johannes Brahms behind a traditional Greek restaurant in Nicosia.

[edit] Works

The Whole of Brahms 'Eine Klein Muisk' Sonata in C major

Brahms composed several works, including five symphonies, songs, piano concertos, intermissions, worthless junk, and other songs.

His only choral work is called Ein Dachshunds Wreck The first performance was a disaster, on account of an over-enthusiastic timpanist who drowned out the orchestra in the final fugue section. However, Brahms solved this problem by re-scoring the work for an orchestra consisting entirely of timpani.

Brahms is also credited with introducing dance music to Hungary.

[edit] Symphonies

Brahms completed only four symphonies during his lifetime, and finished the fifth in 1903, after being dead for six years. Like many composers, Brahms was terrified of Beethoven, although nobody is really sure why.

• Symphony No. 1 in C Minor, Op.68, 'Can You Hear Me Now?'
• Symphony No. 2 in D Major, Op.73, 'It Took Me Long Enough' 'The Unfinished Version'
• Symphony No. 3 in F Major, Op.90, 'The Erotica Tribute'
• Symphony No. 4 in E Minor, Op.98, 'I got game and Clara's to blame'
• Symphony No. 5 in Q# Major, Op.299, 'Help! I'm Trapped In A Coffin!'