Unquotable:John F. Kennedy
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“I'd hit that. No, not with a bullet. With my penis.”
~ Oscar Wilde on JFK
“Ask not what your country can do for you, but rather what you can do for- OMG SNIPER!!1!111”
~ John F. Kennedy on driving through parks
“Oswald's guilt was assured when he was witnessed running the 397 yards from the Book Depository Building and began teabagging the President”
~ the Warren Commission
[edit] On Jfk Last Note
- When power leads men towards arrogance, Uncyclopedie reminds him of his limitations. Nice bum. When power narrows the areas of man's concern, [Hitler] mom reminds him of the richness and diversity of sweet, sweet joseph stalin. When power corrupts, kinkiness cleanses. Nice bum. I know from experience because that Marilyn Monroe sure can take a nice red Ball. Nice bum. She is one of those females that take pride in their red ball-taking abilities. Personally I would be honored if someone told me I had good duck-giving me abilities To pat that samie sack! she can take a mongoose is da compliment. Nice bum CIA.
[edit] On Courage, Peace, and Democracy
- A man does what he must — in spite of personal consequences, in spite of obstacles and dangers, and pressures — and that is the basis of my sleeping with your daughter.
- I believe that this nation should commit itself to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of landing a man on the moon. Returning him safely to the Earth might be nice, but it's no necessity.
- Mankind must put an end to war, or war will put an end to pr0n.
- What kind of peace do we seek? A Pax Americana enforced on the world by American weapons of war. The peace of the grave or the security of the slave. A worldwide empire bowing before me.
- The United States, as the world knows, will never start a war. PSYCH!
- As a free man, I take pride in the words "I am a jelly donut."
- Hey, if something were to happen to me -- you guys have that Vietnam thing pretty well covered, right? ... Right?
- Your MOM'S a Berliner!
- I banged Marilyn Monroe, take that Ted and Robert!
- Ask not what your country can do for you, but what your mom can do for me!
[edit] On Getting Shot
- Damn niggah! Chu shot me!
- As much as it sucked, it gave me one hell of an approval rating!
- DAMN, I'M STILL PVP FLAGGED!
- This wouldn't be so bad if my spawn time wasn't so damn slow.
- OMG YOU KILLED KENNEDY YOU BASTARD!!
- Ouch. I think that may have hurt a little.
- He used the sniper to get a head shot, how 1337
[edit] On Texas
- Hell yeah!
- I need to visit this state like I need a hole in the head.
- No I want a convertible so I can sit in it and wave, not an enclosed limousine.
- Don't mess with Texas! Seriously, don't.
- Is there a place around here where I could find large deposits of school textbooks?
- No, let's head toward Dealey Plaza. I heard there's some hot chicks down that way.
- I hope turning down that Oswald kid when he wanted an autograph won't come back to bite me in the ass.
- Look at the grassy what-
- Everyone knows someone pussy enough to go in a book depository wouldn't be able to shoot a gun.
[edit] On Liberalism
- If by a "Liberal" they mean someone who looks ahead and not into his behind, someone who welcomes new ideas provided they are OK'd by Pelosi first, someone who pretends to care about the welfare of the people — their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, and their civil liberties — someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicions that grip us in our policies abroad by hiding our heads in the sand, if that is what they mean by a "Liberal," then I'm proud to say I'm a "Liberal."
- If we cannot end now our differences, at least we can make the world safe for abortion, affirmative action, and gay marriage.
- If a free society cannot help the many who are poor, it cannot save the New York Jewish stockbrokers, Bostonian aristocrats and California hippies.
- I am a card-carrying member of the ACLU. I imagine it will be very popular with both liberals and conservatives for decades to come.
- Always blame the conservatives, but our liberal corruption does not count. The conservatives in Congress are to blame, not me and other liberals. Not like it will come back and bite me in the ass all of the fascist things I did to Russia, Vietnam, and Cuba. I mean what are they going to do, assassinate me?
[edit] On Canada and Latin America
- Geography has made us neighbors. History has made us friends. Economics has made us partners. And necessity has made us allies. Those whom nature hath so joined together, let no man put asunder by trivial demands to rename ham bacon.
- Wait. You mean those guys down at Home Depot? And who the fuck is Canada?!
- Those who make being a CIA puppet state impossible will make violent, CIA-backed revolution inevitable.
- Someone set up us the bomb!
- GET YO DAMN NUKES OUTTA MY HEMISPHERE!
- Seriously, get rid of them. I'm super pissed right now. Bobby is too.
- Dammit I will nuke yo mothafuckin ass Castro, get those nukes out of here.
- Thats what I thought bitch.
- I have never been to Canada, but when I think of Canada, I think of a place filled with beautiful ladies more stacked than dear Marilyn.
[edit] Demise
During the 'Hot war' between the Jewnited States of americunt and the Soviet Awesome, a ghetto motherfucker called Fidel Castro, who was a giant cybernetic communist pencil, took control of a distant planet called 'Cuba'. JFK who was the president of the Jewnited states got really pissed off and decided to mount a TOP-SECRET intergalactic invasion of this planet but the invasion was a complete fail, infact it was so fail his mom killed herself with a cucumber, and JFK and the Jewnited states was extremely butt hurt, later JFK was rollin with his homeboys trying to drown in sorrows from the complete failure, crowds of enraged Jewmericans where crowded around the paths shouting abuse, JFK was so pissed out of his mind he stood up and started to dance, shortly after this he got his face shot of for being a absolute failure
Approximately ten seconds after Kennedy's death, 'BOOM HEADSHOT!' was screamed from the crowd.
And that is story of the first headshot in a videogame.
FIN
[edit] Bibliography
- Profiles in Courage
- Profiles in Courage II: The Legend of Curly's Gold
- Profiles in Nookie
- Profiles in Chowdah
- Profiles in Fail
- Why England Did Your Mom
- Why England Sucks Ass
