John Goodman
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“John Goodman is a fat Jew”
~ John Goodman on himself
“I'd never have sex with anything heavier than me!”
~ John Goodman on Roseanne Barr
Contents |
[edit] John Goodman
John Goodman, A Man, A Husband, A Symbol of Obscure People Everywhere. And he sure as shit DON'T FUCKING ROLL! (SHOMER SHABBOS!)
[edit] Early Life
John Goodman had a hard time growing up, since his father was a eyeless vete of the Pirate Wars, and his mother was a second cousin of George W. Bush, which finally left him with mental scars, after he finally realised how potentially deranged that was .
From this, John became adept at coping with virtually anything and soon learned that he got a hard on every time he ate. It was a strange, and yet unrelated fact, but an important one. John did well in school and in high school, he even had a girl friend, but it was soon found out that she died and John had ordered her to be stuffed. He went to college but it really was just that cave the Goonies were in, and was thus denied a full education.
[edit] A magic change
For years, John Goodman maintained a rough, survivallist life, gaining a vast knowledge about what plants and berries to eat or to avoid, where the fresh water streams were, and to avoid being hunted by Dick Cheney. He became very cunning, strong, and agile and got used to his forest dwelling ways, when a mystery guy named Mr. T. Smith arrived and showed him that he did not ever have to live a rough, cavedwelling life ever again, making it his goal to educate him where college had failed (and it had, hohoho...) and using his inventions to make learning FUN.
[edit] Travelling through History
The duo became inseparable, going to the Dinosaurs, to watch a T-rex eat a few other time travellers, who looked suspiciously like slightly older versions of themselves, got involved in battles between Pirates and the British Navy, Hitler's mutant divisions against George S. Patton's genius elites, and were nearly killed by the legions of the brain of Adolf Hitler on the remains of Oceania in 389909, the latter not really being more than what John Goodman would later call "A great Shoot-em-up".
For years, the two continued, with Greek and Math from Plato, combat training from Captain Jack Sparrow, and sex training from Wilt Chamberlain and Gene Roddenberry. It seemed that John Goodman was not only a new man of many talents, but a budding Time Traveller, as well!
Then came the accident...
[edit] After the Accident
Finally, after taking a bullet for Robin, the T. Smith made a choice to keep John Goodman from harm after a fatal bullet wound in the stomach from the Joker put him in the Hospital, after almost a month of life-or-death struggling (actually, he recovered immediately, and spent a few days in a bed!), even though he wanted to maul the Joker, (Who just shot Robin in the crotch the next day), T. Smith had decided to Buy John Goodman a house, and let him live out his life, and hope that he would have his fill of life and adventure.
[edit] Career
John had his first Movie when a Mr. Jayce Mondeau needed someone to play him or his sidekick, Dumpy, the Retarded Wonder Monkey, who wears a diaper, babbles and fucks up, and sucks. Luckily, he got the lead role.
[edit] BIG MOVIE
John got his big break when he was asked to help film Arizona Man, a film about a superhero who gets all the powers of Arizona, and played the Hero's friend, Stumpy Mcgee. He did fantastically well, and performed all his own stunts. Soon, he landed a handful of more obscure roles, the least obscure of these is Roseanne's husband, Dan in Roseanne.
[edit] The Time of his Life!
John Goodman was a success. Constantly asked by the Coens to come back for more pictures, hw had a fairly stable career and making enough money to support his spouse and two children, he finally felt empty inside... Finally in 2000, he decided to visit Mr. T Smith for one last adventure in time.
Smith did have concerns, but finally decided that one last trip would be alright.
They went back to 1989, where they were attacked by some flying monkeys. The Time Machine crashed, stranding John Goodman in the late 1980s.
Bewildered, John Goodman stumbled out of the wreckage, leaving the desert area and leaving the unconcious, injured Mr. Smith alone, to be found by a caveman, but that's another story.
He was rescued by a longhaired man in old clothes and a goatee, named Jeff Lebowski, otherwise known as simply "The Dude", who brought him to town, and helped him recover at his apartment.
He gradually moved out, although not quite recovering from the crash, and various screwed up happenings from his old days in 'Nam to around 2000 when George Bush began setting up his foreign policy and tax cuts to the rich, becoming an unstable, gun-wielding man and complaining abouthow he's the only one who gave a shit about the "rules", which was rarely defined to others.
He changed his name to Walter Sobchak, to avoid contaminating the timeline, and formed his own Security Agency to make money, after he got an idea from a mugger he killed in an alley once.
He also formed his own bowling team with the Dude, and a timid, nervous, out-of-his-element guy named Donny.
He went through many adventures, including fighting off nihilists who tried to extort money out of the Dude, and saved Batman from a trap at the hands of Hush.
In 2000, much older,he hobbled into his old house, with the help of the recovered and hiding T. Smith,and explained where he was.
Considering that he had timed it so that he was only gone for over a day and a half. He got some bewildered looks, but otherwise his stunned family welcomed him back.
[edit] Current News
John Goodman doesn't do much, performing in the movies "The Schizo Hero", and "The Revenge of Steve Urkel", however, he does seem fairly close to retiring.
