John Gruden
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John Gruden is a mass murderer that has killed hundreds of people and now hides out in a child's doll body. He is also known under the name Charles Lee Ray. He occasionally coaches a pirate-themed field hockey team called the Michael Bay Buccaneers. They play in assorted Hollywood lots and are responsible for movies like "Pearl Harbor".
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[edit] Early Life
Not much is known about John Gruden's childhood because he was a raging asshole to his parents and never did his homework. His parents rarely will speak of him, and when they do they never speak his name without prefacing it with "That bastard". What is known is that he was a big fan of the cereal Sugar Smack's and hated Sugar Crisps. When he was five he said he would take his knife and hunt Sugar Bear one day. When he was fifteen he was found in a bear cave covered in blood, and never spoke a word of Sugar Bear again.
[edit] Coaching Career
John Gruden loved coaching and beheading little furry animals like chipmunks. He would eat the bodies but save the heads and then make line-ups based on how big the heads were. The biggest head was known as the "linebacker". He also had a few smaller heads that were called "quarterbacks". In some ritual he would eat the heads after deep frying them. He called them hush chipmunks.
He won the Super Bowl one year. He never shuts up about it.
[edit] Sent to Hell, appropriately
After being fortunate enough to live in the wonderful Bay area, Gruden decided that the area was far too nice for someone of his shallow character and ilk. Ge attempted to relocate to Columbus, Ohio, in an attempt to pursue the Cleveland Browns Job but failed his physical. Apparently you need to have had at least 3 sexually transmitted diseases and unfortunately other that the succubus Gruden ended up with, he only had one other sexual partner. Not much is known about the man known only as "Capella", other than he did qualify to live in Columbus, but in a move designed to purge his soul he is rumored to live in the metro Detroit area. So Gruden moved to next worst place on Earth, the Oasis for north Florida Rednecks and Old tan Men wearing speedo thongs: Tampa Bay Florida.
[edit] Witchcraft & Attempted Possession of Andy Barclay
Though his parents wouldn't speak of his witchcraft, many in his church said he could cast spells way better than most of his fellow worshippers. He was praised for his usage of the A dei deux-ey demb'ella! curse and soon learned to possess people.
He tried it first on a guy named Art Barkdoll; little is known about him. He's probably alive somewhere, or he may be dead. But John Gruden didn't possess him for very long.
He first met Andy after possessing a "Good Guy" doll just before he was dying. Andy was a little brat and wanted to have this really expensive doll and most think that Gruden was doing a great coaching job by teaching this little punk a lesson that you should not "Fuck with the Chuck."
He was never successful in possessing Andy Barclay, and had three separate attempts. He also tried it on some black kid named Michael Pittman.
[edit] Super Bowl
He won a Super Bowl once but was a jerk about it. Most argue that he "stole" the Super Bowl. No one really enjoys thinking about it and they don't even recognize it as a Super Bowl. They said they commercials were bad too. It is now officially known as Super Bowl 0. It was originally known as Super Bowl X but that was a real Super Bowl, otherwise known as Super Bowl Ten, which was played between the Dallas Cowboys and the Pittsburgh Steelers. That was known as a great Super Bowl.
[edit] The Barclay Foundation
When Andy Barclay turned 21, he started a foundation to destroy John Gruden, or as he's called by Andy, Charles Lee Ray. His mother was supposed to be the head of the foundation but she hanged herself after watching John Gruden win the Super Bowl.
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