John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt
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“What was his name again?”
~ Oscar Wilde on John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt
John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt (1812-1976) was a Nobel-Prize-winning German astronomical photographer, who singlehandedly revolutionized the art of German astronomical photography.
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[edit] Childhood
John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt was born in the small German town of Düsseldorf to impoverished German astronomical photographers at the tender age of 0. As a child, John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt was constantly teased by the other German children for his bizarre sexual attraction to people sharing the same name. His cruel classmates, would sing never-ending songs about him and his deviant predicaments, much to Schmidt's continuing embarrassment.
In 1829, Schmidt left his home town of Düsseldorf and his prized collection of sauerbratwursts in disgust, swearing he would, one day, obtain eternal vengeance upon his childhood tormentors.
[edit] Career
Having gained admission to the Polytechnische Universität der Angewandten Deutschen Astronomischen Fotographie, Schmidt obtained eternal vengeance upon his childhood tormentors by inventing the John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt camera, thereby singlehandedly revolutionizing the art of German astronomical photography. Unfortunately, Schmidt was forced to turn in his Nobel Prize in German Astronomical Photography after he was caught by Totally Hidden Video in a compromising relationship with a fellow 'John Jacob' at the Hamburg Observatory.
Because of the constant teasing by his fellow astronomical photographers over this latest indiscretion, Schmidt retired in disgust, swearing he would, one day, obtain eternal vengeance upon his scientific tormentors.
[edit] Grisly demise
Shortly after the Hamburg Observatory scandal, John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt legally changed his name and went into public hiding. It was many years later that he was accidentally found dead in a German discothèque in West Berlin, after having consumed 99 bottles of Löwenbräu Lite. At his childhood home, his relatives found a Last Will and Testament hidden in his fourth garage next to a broken-down ice cream truck. The will stated that his entire estate (consisting solely of a rather large stash of erotic frankfurters) should be left to a walrus named Harriet at the San Francisco Zoo.
[edit] Trivia
- Fans of John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt are known as "Schmidt Heads", and commonly are seen in bars wearing colorful shirts and lederhosen while drinking Margaritas as they listen to his music.
- John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt the famous German astronomical photographer is often confused with John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt the infamous German serial murderer, even though the two individuals hail from completely different parts of Germany and/or are in no way related. To each other. Yep, no proven connection whatsoever. Though, one can only imagine what would happen if Schmidt knew...
[edit] Discography
- John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, That's My Name, What Of It? (1823)
- John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt is Still My Name (1829)
- John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt's Greatest Hits (1896)
