John McCain
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“Fool me once, shame on you. You fool me -- you can't get fooled again.”
~ America on Bush and McCain's third bid for President in 2008.
“John, you've got something on your head: you should brush it off. Oh, wait.”
~ Oscar Wilde on John McCain's war wounds.
“Damn you Cain! You are not God!!!”
~ Raziel on John McCain.
“I'll win in 2008. I'm not too aged.”
~ John McCain on 2000 primaries results.
“I'll win in 2016. I'm not too aged.”
~ John McCain on 2008 general election result.
“I'm not going to win, am I?”
~ John McCain on 2064 primaries results.
John Sidney McCain III (1916 - 2009) was an American lobbyist, politician, and the 44th President of the United States. He fought in the Vietnam War and was allegedly subject to enhanced interrogation techniques for four years, thus becoming qualified to be President of the United States.
[edit] Birth
Nobody knows the early history of John McCain, but there are several theories:
Scottish Christians believe that when God created Scotland, he made the first Scotsman (McAdam) and the first Scotswoman (McEve). They had two sons, McCain and McAbel. McCain killed his brother and so was cursed by God to live forever as an American (the worst fate God could think of at the time. It was, after all, the first time anyone had needed to punish murder so there were still some kinks in the system to work out.)
- He is the Ultimate McDonald's Happy Meal Having already made their Fries virtually indestructible, McDonald's made the McCain (originally known as the Cainy-o-fish), the ultimate happy meal. He was built with so much Hydrogenated fats and industrial waste that he was impervious to aging. He was intended to be sold with a regular fries, drink and a toy for just $4.99. Unfortunately, their creation proved too powerful and McCain became self aware, escaping into the wild soon afterwards.
Some have suggested that this may explain many of the biblical legends around McCain, such as why his mother is often described as "Eve McRib" and God, just before resting on the seventh day, says to his new creations "Do you want fries with that?"
Other theories include:
- He is Bob Dole Both were Moderate Republican Senators, decorated war veterans, came in a close second to a George Bush 8 years before winning the Republican nomination, and were way too old and senile to be president. However, John McCain denies this saying, "John McCain has nothing against Bob Dole, but John McCain is nothing like Bob Dole. John McCain is offended that you think John McCain is Bob Dole. John McCain. John McCain..." If this were true, it would make John McCain only 84 years old, which is far too young.
- He is Harold Stassen For those of you who don't know, Harold Stassen was a Liberal Republican who ran in every Republican primary from 1948 to 1992, preforming worse as time went on. Advocates of this theory suggest Stassen/McCain sat out the 1996 election, making a strong comeback in 2000, finishing a solid 2nd place. The advocates of this theory also point that Stassen was born in 1907, making McCain 101 years old, which looks about right.
Is this John McCain, Bilbo Baggins, or both?
- He is Bilbo Baggins This theory explains John McCain's short statue (he stands a hobbity 5' 7"), temper, and great age. Bilbo Baggins also bears an uncanny resemblance to John McCain. Advocates of this theory suggest the McCain's belligerent temper is caused by his possession of (and by) the One Ring of Sauron.
- He is George W. Bush's real father According to this theory, John McCain is not senile, he is merely border-line retarded, which is mistaken as senility because of his severe old age. (Or, he might be both retarded and senile.) George W. Bush then inherited this retardation from his real father.
[edit] Prisoner of War
During World War II, John McCain spent five and a half years trapped in a Nazi war camp being submitted to enhanced interrogation techniques[1], having his arms broken and then re-broken and being electrocuted, but no blood was drawn. He had already willingly divulged all that he knew before first being interrogated with enhanced techniques, but he got a cheap sexual thrill from the instruments used, which would later be used on collateral damages abroad (no pun intended).
After his private jet was shot down in the Vietnam war, he was imprisoned once again and, unfortunately, faced even crueler treatment than he received in the Crusades, the War of 1812 and WWI. Despite cracking and leaking vital information to the Gooks, he is somehow considered to be an American Hero.
With the help of a Vietnamese lobbyist, McCain was eventually able to escape. He had been instructed to return alone, but instead he defied orders and freed all the American POWs. He then used explosive-tipped arrows, a knife, a stick and his bare hands to kill fifty Vietnamese soldiers. He then commandeered a helicopter and flew it back to American soil, saving the lives of more than fifty POWs. He then flew back to North Vietnam, and won the Vietnam War, twice. And that's the straight talk.
When offered a medal of honor for these event, McCain declined, saying "Give it to them. They deserve it more." referring to the POWs. McCain recorded these events in his autobiography, which inspired The Doors to dedicate an indefinite tribute to John McCain for winning the Korean War. Or was it WW1? Vietnam? Anyway, due to the delicate nature of this old footage, archeologists have been unable to determine it's age even with the use of carbon dating:
McCains's anti-war efforts were also made into a major Hollywood production. McCain's part was played by Sylvester Stallone in the biographic documentary of McCain's life titled "Rambo: First Blood Part II." And that's the straight talk.
[edit] Marriages and Affairs
On July 3, 1965 McCain married Carol Shepp, a body parts model famous for her ears and right knee. McCain adopted her two young children then later had a real kid named after a town in Australia.
Upon McCain's return to the United States from several years abroad, he reunited with his wife and family, but since his wife had suffered severe injuries from a car wreck in December 1969, was no longer viable wife material. He then divorced her, got himself fixed up, and married Cindy. But as a returned POW, McCain had became a celebrity of sorts, with a "woman at every port" and a groupee at every bus stop. As president he would most likely put King Henry the VIII to shame with his voluminous indiscretions and trail of wives.
In April of 1979, after many affairs, STD's and divorces, McCain met and began a courtship with Anne Graham, a preacher from Phoenix, Arizona, and the second daughter of the Reverend Billy Graham. If it works out, he will most likely divorce Cindy, whose cookie recipes are considered of inferior quality by most TV network standards and most likely attempt to marry Anne. This will secure the conservative Christian vote and ensure republican dominance for the next 8 years, unless he dies of old age or syphilis in which case his illegitamate son, John McCain IV, will secure the throne and continue the legacy for years to come.
[edit] John McClane
“Yippee-kay-yay motherfucker!”
~ oh wait, that's John McClane
It has been recently revealed that the character of "John McClane" from the Die Hard movies is, in fact, John McCain. Due to his modest and self-effacing nature, he changed the spelling of his name so as to avoid being identified by the press.
[edit] Fleetwood Mac
Main article: Fleetwood Mac
[edit] From Desert to Jungle
While claiming residency in Arizona, McCain went to war, won a bunch of medals, became a hero, scored with a bunch of really hot girls, and eventually became senator. In 1982, McCain's powers had fully recharged. Although he was eager to return back to the year 21st Century, he realized that he needed to stay, and protect Nachos and porno. And guess what? That's the straight talk.
[edit] 2000 Presidential Campaign
In 2000 McCain took part in the annual Republican Candidate-a-Palooza; a televised national talent show in which contestants compete for the opportunity to be the Republican presidential monkey. Ultimately McCain was disqualified in the final round of the competition when it was revealed that he was not, as had previously been claimed, a gorilla. The candidature went instead to George W Bush, a chimpanzee trained by ex-president George Bush Sr. One Republican voter said "When McCain was given a banana, he actually took the skin off before eating it. This clearly showed that he was too intellectual to be given the nomination."
A key feature of McCain's campaign, which would reappear in his subsequent talent show competition entries, was the 'straight-talk-express'; an enormous galactic class space-battleship armed with voter-seeking campaign slogans, propaganda-torpedoes and the largest brain-washing Mind-Ray ever constructed. Using the awesome power of this battleship, McCain was able to convince major American states to support his campaign, by threatening to 'explode up their minds' if they failed to vote for him. This strategy looked set to take McCain all the way to the White House until the 'straight-talk-express' was shot down by a Universe class intergalactic-death ship; namely, the 'Halliburton', which was under the command of none other than Grand Admiral Dick Cheney. A universally recognized American legend and freedom-fighter; Cheney's intervention removed any possibility of McCain winning the presidency, and this remained the case until Cheney was mercilessly shot by the Confederation of Lawyers in 2006, an event which led to the amputation of his third leg.
[edit] Best leading actor, 2007
McCain won Academy Award (Oscar) for best leading actor for his very, very, very difficult role, pretending in his campaign he is not under the influence of lobbyists.
[edit] John McCain's book
After seeing Obama's book, McCain made up his mind; he would write a book. In 2005, he released JOHN MCCAIN: THE CHRONICLES OF AN AGING GINGER. The book went in depth into his personal life, like how he sheds his own flesh and replaces it with melted provolone cheese. How his beady little eyes were ripped from the skull of a boar, and shoved into his own sockets.
[edit] 2008 Presidential Campaign and Presidency: A Third Bush Term
McCain has begun his campaign for his 2008 election. He has high approval ratings among Republicans, and even higher approval ratings from his own alien hive of Arizona. His campaign differs from Mitt Romney's, however. Mitt promises free wives for everyone. But Adolf Guiliani has no chance between the two...so he has lodged himself in Karl Rove's manboobs for shelter. John McCain passed away on March 9, 2009, and will be continued by his mother and five children, one of whom is half Negro. After changing his campaign slogan to "At least I'm not a nigger or a cunt" he produced stunning victories in nearly every pre-election poll and won in a stunning landslide against the sentient brain pod hosting the remains of Barack Obama (after Hillary had gotten to him during the convention).
[edit] Positions
Stance on Russians:
McCain has been one of the foremost critics of Russian President Vladimir Putin in the US Senate: "I looked into his eyes and saw three letters: a G, a D and a B". He has said that Putin is "going to cause a lot of difficulties" and that he is "trying to reassert the fact that goldfish actually do bounce." McCain has also stated his belief that Putin is using Russia's bouncing goldfish sources as a political "weapon".
If elected John McCain promises,
- To hunt down and kill Osama Bin Laden with his bare hands. He will then commit a mortal sin and shoot himself in the head, fulfilling his campaign promise to "... follow bin Laden to the gates of hell."
- To make Iraq our 51st state.
- And make Iraq a Red State
- To annex Canada.
- To not care about your health care ( But Who does though, except maybe your mom... but she doesn't count cause she like gave birth to you and stuff).
- To flood Iran's airwaves with Beach Boys songs.
- To win the Vietnam War a third time.
- To give every one of his voters a bag of his own momma's brand oven chips. Unfortunately he is American so thinks that chips means crisps. He will also get rid of all the faqs... you decide which ones I'm talking about...
- To make hippies pay 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.99% sales tax.(every one who votes for him only has to pay .01% sales tax and also receives a "I voted and now don't have to sell my house just to buy some milk at the store" sticker)
- To steal Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's food.
- To make Oliver North the God Emperor of Nicaragua.
- To bring Godzilla to kill the Cloverfield monster in New York.
- To share with only Americans his secret of becoming Immortal
- Take Saddam Hussein out of power in Narnia.
- To hang out with people named Cletus, so they aren't such hillbillies
- To blow up San Francisco.
- To make sure Amtrak trains serve bad food, have no mattresses, and take people nowhere. Oh wait, they already do that. Mission accomplished!
- To give all his supporters free pairs of Depends brand diapers.
[edit] Plans for America
John McCain has elaborated one of the greatest plans in American history, and it has finally been declassified for the upcoming election, McCain plans on giving everyone assault rifles, assuring everyone will know how to use them for when he does his major draft to take over the world to continue in Bush's footsteps for the New World Order. As for the economy, McCain plans on printing such a massive amount of money that it will become useless thus reaching economic equilibrium, this is by far one of his best plans yet. He has propagated this theory using the infamous Bush Math.
[edit] Wars and military campaigns, that involved John McCain during and since the American Revolutionary War
- American Revolutionary War, 1775 – 1783
- Invasion of Canada, 1775 - 1776
- War of 1812, 1812 – 1815
- Winnebago War, 1827
- Mexican-American War, 1846 – 1848
- American Civil War, 1861 – 1865
- Reconstruction era of the United States, 1865-1876
- World War I, 1917 – 1918
- World War II, 1941 – 1945
- Operation Urgent Fury, Invasion of Grenada, 1983
- Korean War, 1950 - 1953
- Vietnam War, 1962 - 1973
- Iran-Iraq War, 1987 - 1989
- Persian Gulf War, Iraq, 1991
- Operation Desert Shield, 1991
- Operation Desert Storm, 1991
[edit] Controversies
[edit] Out-of-wedlock child with a Negro
In 2000, it was revealed that John McCain, like Strom Thurmond, had a bastard child with Queen Latifah. Early reports say that she may indeed be a Negro.
[edit] Bomb Iran
In 2006, McCain came attracted some amount of criticism for ordering the Air Force to bomb Iran. Reports indicate that at least 10 detachments of Air Force bombers were readying to deploy to Iran, heavily loaded with bombing ordnance[citation needed]. However, no bombs were dropped, as the bombers were ordered to turn back after it was pointed out that McCain did not actually have authority to launch offensive strikes against other nations. A disappointed Senator McCain later apologized.
[edit] Tar Baby
On March 16, 2007, McCain used the term "tar baby", considered by some a racial epithet, while answering questions at Cedar Falls, Iowa town hall meeting. He later said he regretted it. He then used the term "damned Jew fagot" to refer to a reporter. Told that the term might be offensive to some, McCain said he was sorry and he joked that he'd "nigger rig" an apology after the meeting.
[edit] Amnesty Scandal
In 2007, Senator McCain introduced a bill entitled, "Let all the Illegal Immigrants take our jobs and make sure only the Democrats always get elected from now on Act." Attempting to confuse the masses by naming the bill based on what it actually does rather than the normal convention of naming it either the opposite of what it does or something totally unrelated, McCain had hoped that, like the Patriot Act, the bill would pass without anyone bothering to read it. Unfortunately, some jackass intellectual decided it would be a good idea to let people know what was going on, and all of a sudden the public was energized into opposing the bill, totally destroying the political process and ensuring that McCain's clients who paid for the bill would not be receiving it. This caused the clients to demand their money back, which resulted in an implosion of the McCain campaign as McCain had already spent much of it on cocaine and hookers. McCain found himself nearly bankrupt and in a position to have to fire most of his campaign staff, but thankfully not the hookers.
[edit] The Neck Gobbler
You may have previously noted John McCain's neck gobbler. The scientific name for this is a "dewlap." Although Iguanas and other extremely fat creatures have a similar feature, it is not used for the same purpose. As a matter of fact, the gobbler has the same purpose as the melon structure above the brain in dolphins and whales. Dolphins and whales use their melons for the sole purpose of echo-location. John McCain uses it for this as well. A well hidden secret is that John McCain is actually blind, and uses the gobbler, or dewlap, for navigation. In addition, an extra feature that John McCain has in his dewlap is the ability of telepathy. John McCain can read the minds of others using his dewlap. There is also a theory that John McCain used this dewlap to alter the votes in the 2008 Florida Primary Republican election. Although well supported, there is no substantial evidence to prove that John McCain cheated in the 2008 Florida Primary. Also, he raped Hillary in Gainesville using this dewlap as a genital organ.
[edit] Not Conservative Enough?
During the South Carolina primary, John McCain defeated Mitt Romney in a Xiaolin Showdown, which almost destroyed the World and more importantly, the Republican Party. Not too happy about this, the Republican Party summoned Karl Rove to raise Mitt Romney from the dead, as a brain dead Republican zombie. Zombie Romney started attacking McCain's positions, claiming that McCain didn't torture enough people to be a viable Republican Candidate. McCain fought back, stating that Romney was in fact, a flaming homosexual that supported secret fellatio during congressional meetings and hearings.
The battle came to a head in Florida, where the two candidates met to settle it once and for all. Zombie Romney challenged McCain to a cage match, in Tampa. McCain agreed, and the battle of the century began. They fought for hours, late into the night. Zombie Romney's conservative fighting style made things difficult for McCain, but he countered it with his 1337 maverick skills. McCain was about to finish him with his scorpion headlock when he was attacked from behind by Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh. McCain promptly beat the shit out of them, but Romney managed to slip away into the darkness to fight again.
[edit] Alzheimer's Disease
John McCain is currently unable to remember when or how he first contracted Alzheimer's Disease.
[edit] Presidency And UnTimely Death
Upon assuming the presidency, John McCain will immediately declare war on Iran. This will be immediately challenged by the Democrat Congress, who, according to the Constitution, has the power to declare war. McCain will object, on the grounds that the Patriot Act of 2001 abolished the Constitution to defend freedom. Ultimately, the Supreme Court, on March 8, 2009, will declare the case to be a moot point on a technicality because the declaration of war will be against the "Empire of Persia" which ceased to the name of Iran back in 1935 (when McCain was middle-aged), declaring that it is impossible to wage war on a non-entity. McCain will object this, on the grounds that he, as president, has a right and obligation to protect America from all enemies, be the foreign or domestic, and real or imaginary. He will also cite the precedent of wars waged against ideas, like The War Against Terror and War on drugs, which are close to non-entities. Fortunately, McCain will die that day from complications relating to advanced Alzheimer's disease.
Unfortunately, zombie John McCain will refuse to cede power to his Vice-President Joe "SoreLoserman" Lieberman. Zombie McCain will argue that the United States has a long history of allowing the undead to hold elective office, citing the examples of Strom Thurmond, Robert Byrd, and Ronald Reagan. Before the Supreme Court could decide the case, Cthulhu will awaken and devour zombie McCain, Lieberman, the Supreme Court, and most of Congress. Cthulhu then will declare himself President of the United States and begin his dark reign of ten thousand years. Zombie McCain will be briefly brought back to unlife by Cthulhu in 2063 to run as token opposition against Cthulhu in the 2064 United States Presidential Election, after which, zombie McCain will be devoured by Cthulhu again as part of his Inauguration ceremonies on January 20, 2065.
[edit] See Also
| Preceded by: Sir Cheney the Dick (de facto) | President of the United States 2009 AD | Succeeded by: Cthulhu, who is predestined to eat McCain |
| 2008 U. S. Republican Presidential Candidates |
|
Rudy Giuliani | Mike Huckabee | John McCain the Elder | Ron Paul | Ronald Reagan's Ghost |
