John Motson
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“ And Terry is handing the... captain's armband to...tooooo...Karrkar oh it's Gerrard Karkarr would you believe it? Sorry Mark I seem to have attracted a large magpie.. KARKARR!”
~ John Motson
“ROOOOOOOOOOOOOONNEY!!!”
~ John Motson
[edit] Early Life
John Motson (18/10/1823) was born in Boston was a dedicated scholar and got kicks by speaking into a microphone during football games whilst sounding like a demented crow. As a result, his enraged father would cane him on the arse as a punishment, despite this young John still continued.
Eventually Teresa Motson, his mother, grew so tired of John's continuous ramblings whenever the football was on, that she sent him over to Suffolk which was a pain worse than death. At first John relented but then decided that spending time with pigs and inbred farmers was the right way to go about life and left when he was 16.
[edit] Time in Suffolk
John was adopted by two homosexual men that also shared John's knack for commentating, however they were rugby fans and sent John to a rugby school. After two weeks, John threatened to commit suicide so the weeping couple packed his bags and sent John to their close friends. Mary and Peter who were perfect heterosexuals and also sent John to a footballing school where he would often play traunt with his "friends" (who only wanted to hear his squealing noise) and nick microphones from the school cupboards, he was always caught.
When he graduated from school he rang up the BBC and enquired about a job whilst milking cows. The BBC agreed for an interview but Kenneth Wolstenholme, their current commentator, turned emo and died through blood loss in the veins. John was about to get his break.
[edit] BBC Commentating
John Motson then spent the remaining 30 years of his life commentating on football matches to the annoyance of the millions tuning in. His co-commentators (mainly Mark Laweresn) would often disagree and argue with John over everything so that they created more entertainment and unbeknown to John, create the next Lauren and Hardy. John was sued £23,000 over attempted rape on Paris Hilton but was released on bail and also sued £300 following vandalism on a local Boston bus-stop.
Despite local legends, John is not a crow/magpie in any kind of way. He cried when the TV rights went to ITV and is now currently pondering on defecting to the encouragement of all at the BBC studios.
