John Prescott
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“He's just Jabba The Hutt without makeup”
~ Oscar Wilde on John Prescott
“I didn't intend to have an affair with him, I went in there on the first day and sat down on what appeared to be an oddly shaped giant sofa and it turned out to be John Prescott lying asleep on the floor”
~ Tracey Temple on John Prescott
John "egg man" Prescott, also known as Big Fat Bastard, is the former Deputy Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, serving in that capacity under Tony Bliar. Upon his retirement from that post in 2007, he was appointed official Court Jester to Her Majesty's Royal Household, but subsequently dismissed after he ate all the pies and vomited all over His Royal Highness the Duke of Edinburgh.
Prescott's other claim to fame is a childhood accident which was, reportedly, the inspiration for the popular nursery rhyme Humpty Dumpty. Contrary to popular belief, the King's Men did succeed in putting Humpty together again, except for the brain, which remains missing to this day. (Some speculate that Prescott has, in fact, eaten it.) Accordingly, they substituted the brain of a pig, presuming that no one would notice. The next day, he joined the Labour Party.
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[edit] Childhood and Stardom
Big Fat Bastard began life as a garden gnome in his native isle of Europe, where he immediately set about planning the destruction of the mighty Lego army. As a child he was often described as “whimsical” and “John Inman-ness”. His first big break came, on, funnily enough, Big Break, with comedy pairing Jim “Bigoted Racist” Davidson and Dame John “Please Shoot Me Now” Virgo, where he set about performing to a stunned audience an act of what can only be described as anal buggery on special guest star Stephen Hawking. The result of this was national stardom and John soon set about using his new found fame to set up a Sopranos style bullying racket in his local comprehensive.
[edit] Schooling
However it was when it came to his exams though that John became exceptionally unruly, after painting a face on his arse and sitting through his French oral using nothing but the wind that passed his cheeks. Interestingly enough, the teacher was prepared to give him an A* for an amazing grasp of the French language.
[edit] Modeling career
During his late-teens John was head-hunted by the cosmetic super-giant L'Oreal for a shampoo advert - this was to be the foundation of his world renowned stardom.
Unfortunately this advert was never released to the public due to John's tendency to be somewhat over-enthusiastic and flashing his groinal regions to the camera, the picture opposite is the only frame in the advert where his wart-encrusted genitalia were not on full display.
Many of the production team committed suicide a short while after being on set with him, the images they saw caused severe mental trauma. The camera-man was reported to have gouged his own eyes out with a shoe-horn whilst screaming out "OH SHAKESPEARE!!! MURDER ME!!!". He then plunged to his death from the roof of the L'Oreal production studio.
It was at this time that Prescott developed his bulimia.
[edit] Teenage years
[edit] Isle of Skye
John spent his teenage years (21-25) in a boarding house on the Isle of Skye, listening to music by Russ Conway, Captain Sensible and Pinky and Perky. It was then that depression set in. John went from his athletically built fifty stone frame to a 20,000 stone blob, despite copious vomiting. He was usually hungry all of a sudden; some days he would wake up and half his dorm was missing. His appetite was such that Marks & Spencers even opened a branch on the island specifically to cater for him, the shelves stocked almost exclusively with trifles.
[edit] World cruise
One day whilst sunbathing he fell asleep and floated into the sea, and although it has never been confirmed, it has never been denied that John was responsible for the sinking of the Titanic, the extinction of the dinosaurs and was actually the first part of the divided states of America that Christopher Columbus (the director of Goonies and Adventures In Babysitting) discovered.
He eventually washed up on the Norfolk coast, where local Greenpeace activists, mistaking him for a whale, rolled him back into the ocean before the authorities could properly dispose of him. Which is a shame, really.
[edit] France
Following this, he spent a year, or two, some say three, floating in the English Channel until he washed up on the shore near Normandy. An small old man took him in as a friend and tried to help him get back to England. The small old man, called Jacques Chirac, taught John real English, as John usually just mumbled to himself silly things, or was too busy eating. After John learnt the English language he went to the local patisserie, God help them, to engorge himself. He managed to consume twelve and a half stones of muffins, nine stones of cupcakes, several cakes, and the shopkeeper. He then set himself back in the ocean to try and float back to England.
[edit] Isle of Wight
Upon arriving on the south coast of England, he managed to beach himself just off the coast; one too many cruise liners had strayed just that little bit too close to him on the journey there, and his new found rolls of fat had caused him to become stuck. For two months he stayed there, getting more and more pissed off by the buildings being built on his back, until eventually some Japanese whalers popped him.
Although the island he had formed no longer exists, it still remains on many maps. It is known as the Isle of Wight, due to the fact that Prescott is white and people aren't always particularly imaginative, or good at spelling.
[edit] Politics comes a-calling
When he finally ran aground, it was with the most unfortune for him that he happened to land on the beach of California where George Lucas, offered him a part in his upcoming (straight to video) release, Star Wars, where john would play the role of Jabba the Hutt.
After he finished the film, John found it next to impossible to walk past the bargain bin of his local Woolworths without being recognised and found himself ever self conscious of his weight. He set about joining a Slim Fast club and got himself back into shape. However, there was another problem for John in that he was not skilled at anything, so he did what all other talentless, lazy, over self-infatuated people do - he went into politics.
John was seen as a new dynamic type and his meteoric rise from office boy to deputy Prime Rib Minister was accomplished when he came up with the idea of the world's first battery operated kettle. He joined the Labour egg throwing event, and in 1998 won “Best Shot Thrown At The Poor”.
Since retiring, dying, being resurrected, dying, being born, infancy through to death he managed to establish himself as the guard on the 7:32 Kings Cross to Hull for GNER, on the basis that even despite all attempts to remove him from the train, GNER were unable to do so due to his extreme weight. It is reputed that journey times have trebled since his tenure began as his bulk blocks all but one available exit.
In August 2007, John Prescott announced that he was planning to stand-down as an MP at the next General Election. That means there will be two free seats up for grabs in the House of Commons.
[edit] Personality
Prescott is renowned for his serene and even temperament. He attributes this to his morning ritual of Zen Meditation and his vigorous workouts during lunch time. He has been prone to outbreaks of rage but claims this is due to the Spirit of Stalin getting stuck in him.
[edit] State Affair
“I have a harem of low self-esteem chicks, whom I like to laugh at, as they blunder around like silly girl-clowns, making a shit of themselves.”
~ John Prescott on his CV
Being the love machine as described in the Girls Aloud song "Love Machine", it was rumoured for a long time that John was a hit with the ladies of Westminster. Although previously denied, it is now assumed that a secret affair had taken place when John announced to the nation he had female AIDS after one of his notorious wildboy "orifice" parties in 2002. Further investigation into John's condition revealed he had the Tracey Temple variant of the female AIDS virus, although it is still unknown who he caught this from. The effects of this strain are largely unknown, but it is believed to cause forced resignation, permanent loss of political power and, for the embarrassment caused to the government, a sore backside after receiving 20 of the best from Tony Blair using the Chief Whip. Also causes the effected to have a chipolata sized penis, as seen in today's copy of the Sun. The AIDS virus described having sex with JP like having a heavily loaded wardrobe falling on you with a small key still stuck inside.
In light of John's statement came further allegations of sleaze and corruption around Westminster. It is now popular belief amongst Londoners in particular that the 1km protection zone around parliament was actually set up to protect people from the crumbling building after severe structural damage was caused by Prescott passing wind and weakening the buildings. (For example, see Labour Party)
It is also popular belief that the July 7th attacks and the shooting of Jean Charles de Menezes in London were all planned by both Prescott and the security services in an attempt to cover up the noise and structural effects Prescott's hippo-esque style of love making causes. However, the plan did not go to... er... plan (See July 7th 2005)
It's worth noting that his initial statement on the allegation was "I did not sleep with that woman", to which Temple replied "Liar!". This is entirely unrelated to a similar incident involving David Blunkett, whose statement "I did not sleep with that woman" was met with a vehement "Woof!".
[edit] Trufflosis
In light of Mr Prescott's recent diagnosis of advanced, sudden onset trufflosis, the thoughts and wishes of uncyclopedia go out to his supporter.
[edit] Rumours of Replacement
Given ongoing talk of affairs, there is speculation that Pauline is looking to dump him and David Miliband has been tipped as a successor and Pauline Prescott is to succeed him as Deputy Prime Minister.
[edit] The Evolution Of Man
John Prescott is proof that evolution of the human race is indeed still progressing, as we can see from the image to the right.
[edit] Genetics
Prescott is unique in modern politics in that he shares 97% of his DNA with a pie; the remaining 3% can mainly be traced to Genghis Khan. It is thought that this change came about due to one of Khan's pie orgies, when due to an unexpected lightning strike, Kahn was genetically spliced to a pie. The P-Gene remained inactive until John Prescott. Whereas most men have the XY genotype, Prescott's DNA appears to be of the yXP genotype, with three alleles forming the rare polyzygous superdominant gene.
Extensive studies have been carried out on this interesting phenomenon. This can be seen in fig 1.0.
[edit] Trivia
- John Prescott hasn't seen his penis for seventeen years
- John Prescott was, and still is, a Nazi supporter
- John Prescott IS a Neo-Nazi
- John Prescott IS a dominant figure of the KKK
- John Prescott was due to star in Run Fat Boy Run but, sadly, turned down the offer due to the fact that he is unable to run and the thought of it brings him out in hives.
- John Prescott IS Anti-Weight Watchers
- John Prescott put the makers of Wagon Wheels out of business
- John Prescott IS the reason the Titanic sunk
- John Prescott IS related to Shrek
- John Prescott owes McDonalds more than $5,000,000 in the form of Big Macs
- John Prescott has his own reserved table(s) at McDonalds
- John Prescott IS so fat that if he fell down the Grand Canyon, he'd get stuck halfway!
- John Prescott IS banned from traversing the Humber Bridge
- John Prescott is NOT a grue in disguise!
- John Prescott is NOT a man
- John Prescott is NOT James Bond
- John Prescott is NOT the lovechild of Homer Simpson and Captain Kirk, but in fact the lovechild of Peter Griffin and Captain Janaway.
- The reason you have no parents is NOT that John Prescott ate your dad and shagged your mum.
- John Prescott once had a beard called Alan.
- John Prescott is not me.
- Or me!
- It's really Your Mother
- John Prescott likes Cake
- John Prescott enjoys morris dancing
- Insists that he never married a waffle, it was proved that it was actually a gammon steak.
- Apart from playing croquet Prescott is a prominent Kitten Huffer.
- John Prescotts shining moment was having sex with his secretary on a table... without breaking it
- He is actually useful for one thing... his stomach the habitat for the one and only Lead fish. (This doesn't stop the fact that he needs to choke on that fat toungue of his)
- John Prescott's testicles have a distinct apple and mango taste to them.
- To this day Prezza gets confused when he sees an albino chipolata and assumes he is flying low
