John Redwood
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“Hey! Ask him to sing Land of My Fathers. It's his favourite song! Go on! I dare you!”
~ Jones the Pisstaker on John Redwood
John "Tharg The Magnificent" Redwood (born 1000[1], Andromeda) is the member of parliament for Wokingham, England and indeed the only extraterrestrial member of that August body. He rose to prominence in the minds of the British public when he challenged John Major for leadership of the Conservative Party in 1995 but has since shrunk back into deserved obscurity[2].
Redwood was also known as Tharg the Magnificent on his homeworld of Zloooooooooook in the galaxy of Andromeda but this title is now only honorary as Zloooooooooook was tragically obliterated for firm-but-fair business reasons. Redwood has described the obliteration of his home as "jolly good".
Contents |
[edit] Very Ugly
John Redwood is unpleasant to look at, and uses axle grease to flatten his hair, and has been known to pour urine on his body, to lighten the odour.
His wife divorced him on the grounds of being caught, pants down, with thankfully a female. Some years previous to being caught out he made the public observation that "a man who would betray his wife would betray his country", thus demonstrating his keen eye for irony.
[edit] His Constituency
John Redwood represents Wokingham in Berkshire - England. Wokingham is a large industrial area, with a population of 274000 (UK 1988 Census figures), most of whom are within lower economical groups, with at least 75% receiving social welfare support.
[edit] His complexion
Known to shimmer eerily in poor lighting. This is thought to be due to his uncanny extraterrestrial origins.
[edit] His Policies
John Redwood is known locally as 'The Cretin. He has made it his Personal Mission to rid Wokingham of poverty by 2020, and has made many speeches on this, often following a torch light procession through Wokingham, supported by David Cameron's Brown Shirts.
He promises that when the Conservatory Party gain power, he will within a year, repatriate all non Wokingham born residents, end free schooling, make the NHS means tested, charge pensioners double for everything, and rid humanity of all deviants. He calls this his softly softly approach.
In 2007, Redwood helped write a new set of Conservative policies that aimed to "cut out all the unnecessary red tape" that people have to live with. Redwood was especially concerned about a "bureaucratic and statist" system called "the law" which he insisted "interferes with the way people go about their business". Without the law, Redwood claims, the "invisible hand" of social Darwinism will streamline society ensuring that the weak are slaughtered and only the strong survive. When asked if he himself expected to survive such a holocaust being a weedy spoiled little ideologue Redwood laughed and pointed out that he and his fellow Conservatives would use the market to supply themselves with "armed muscle" which would allow them to witness the human misery they'd set in motion from the safety of their expensive apartments.
[edit] Survivor
He is the only Conservatory member of parliament, to have been made a member of the last four shadow cabinet's in succession. This is mainly due to excessive bribes, use of hidden camera's, and offering his rear orrifice, for scientific 'one to one' experiments.
[edit] Footnotes
| Preceded by: Tony Benn | Laughably-Backward Political Ideologue Of The Year 2007 | Succeeded by: George Dubya Bush |
