Jon Stewart
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| Date of birth: | November 28, 1962 | |
| Place of birth: | New York, New York, United States | |
| Nationality: | Jew | |
| Known for | Communist sympathizer | |
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| Occupation | Daily Show "Host," banker, Jew | |
| Religion | Jew | |
| Spouse | Some Jew girl | |
| Children | Shnitzel and Sheila | |
| Website | ||
“WEYYUMUNERDAILYSHOWMAHNEHEEYJONSTEWART!!! Tonight's guest is *insert name of obscure author here*”
~ Jon Stewart on Comedy Central's The Daily Show
His Holyness, Jon "The Jewish Wonder" Stewart, Prince of New York,"The Golden Jew" or simply the sarcastic Jew with the raspy voice (born John Aronwitz Davidowitz Stuart Monitz Jewington Schmolritz) was the world’s most popular Jew. He was more well known as the banking investor of The Daily Show and winner of the Most Secretive Jew Award 7 years running. He was most famous for controlling the banks, the media, and Hollywood. Jon was one of the only owners of an authentic "time machine" that he uses to warp back to Mel Gibson's childhood, where he proceeds to force the young Mel to watch as he brutally murders Jesus. Since parting ways with his show, Jon Stewart's nemesis has become Stephen Colbert, the King of Hungary.
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[edit] Early Career
Stewart started his career as a failed stand-up comedian. Many claimed that his failure in stand-up was due to the fact that his comedy was too clever for his audience - in fact, Jon was simply not funny. His "unfunnyness" coupled with his "Jewishness" was the perfect combination for the producers at MTV who gave him his own show. They titled it "The Jon Aronwitz Davidowitz Stuart Monitz Jewington Schmolritz Show" in an attempt to "Jew-up" the network and help shed its "Moral Christian Network" image. Unfortunately, MTV's plan backfired and the show was soon cancelled. Shortly there after Jon dropped a few names and became, simply, "Jon Stewart."
[edit] The Daily Show
“Like the majority of the American people, it's my only source of news!”~ Oscar Wilde on the Daily Show“Up All Night Reading Oscar Wilde Makes Me Giggle Obscenities.”~ Oscar Wilde on Jon Stewart, that total fag from the Daily Show
- "He's totally fucking awesome. Good name to Jews! ...Oh, THAT Jon Stewart, he's a total fag!" - Moses
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart recruited Jon as host in 1999 as he was the only actor they could find actually named Jon Stewart to fill the title role. The show's main focus is "fake news," or how it's known in the United States - "news." The show's writers, in conjunction with Jon and the rest of the show's news correspondents, have been honored with Emmy awards, Peabody awards, and a painfully nagging case of genital herpes.
Unfortunately, it appears that the show may be cancelled due to its Jewiness and reported communist ties. In response to this so-called "outrage", Jon Stewart had this to say: "AHHH! The Day of the Jew has come. Fear me!" Shortly after this outburst was observed, he spontaneously combusted.
The show is completely carbon neutral: it is powered solely by Jon's huge ego.
[edit] Personal Life
Producing, writing, and performing on a daily basis left Jon with a pathetic excuse for a personal life. It's as if someone also circumcised his soul. Jon is also the greatest Jewish porn star since Ron Jeremy.
He was our most Precious Jew. He was apparently eaten by Mr. T and Tina Fey as a gourmet meal.
[edit] Jon Spends His Time
- Pwning EVERYONE'S ASS
- Practicing his telekenesis
- Playing World of Warcraft online (pwning n00bs)
- Inventing the solar-powered flashlight (almost finished)
- Trying to fix the signal in his flux-capaciter so he can finally call down David's star to carry him home
- Giggling in high tones
- Reading books of poetry and prose on cool spring nights
- Tending to his very sensitive armpits. He must use pads to keep his sweat from staining his shirts. It calls for a dampning with rubbing alcohol twice a day.
- Listening to Demetri Martin (every single night. they're having a gay affair)
- Using linux
[edit] Special Appearances
Hosted the following:
- Grammys 2001, 2002
- Oscars 2006, 2008
- Failed Dinner Party
Guest on:
- Crossfire
- Rosie O'Donnell (pre-lesbian)
