John Tesh
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“John Tesh is the Harbinger of Death; the Harold of the Apocalypse.”
~ The 1st Cylon Hybrid on Warning humanity of its imminent destruction
John "Deuche-Bag" Tesh's return has long been foretold by the scriptures of the 11th nipple. His surprisingly successful career (for the spawn of Satan) now spans more than 25 years after his second reawakening and Tesh has become known as a respected leader in Television, Radio, Film, and Music. Unfortunately, what only few people know, is that John Tesh is in fact the "Harbinger of Death" and the "Harold of the Apocalypse". That's right. In fact, according to the ancient scrolls he will cause humanity to stray from the path of righteousness and fall into moral decay and emotional collapse. It is written that this will undoubtedly drive humanity from their home world as only the few post-apocalyptic human survivors seek out new places to hide from his 1000s of high powered transmitters, as by this time he will have risen to the position of Atriarch of the surface world. His advice will also of become religious law and must be obeyed by all of the emotionally destroyed victims on the Earth. The eventual return of the humans that fled Earth (lead by Bruce Willis, great nephew of Wesley Willis) will be short but they will be willing to sacrifice everything in an effort to rid the universe of his pestilence. They will finally allow those who's souls he's tortured their long awaited freedom. It is said not even a propaganda poster of Tesh's will survive the nuclear holocaust.
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[edit] Tesh's Relations to Wesley Willis and the Bubonic Plague
Many years ago John Tesh approached a young musical prodigy by the name of Wesley Willis. At age 9 he had already memorized, and indeed improved upon, all of the musical greats' entire musical portfolios including, but not limited to, Beethoven, Mozart and Bach. The young man was approached by Mr. Tesh and was promised he could significantly help the boy's musical career as his manager and god. He gave him a deal, he said that he could become rich and famous but that his mental capacities would slightly decline over time to a more average level. The boy, feeling he didn't fit in with his already sizable intellect, reluctantly accepted. However, John Tesh (being the deuche-bag that he is) gave the child advice and within minutes the young man's brain imploded. He was diagnosed as schizophrenic and was locked up. John Tesh had claimed his first human soul in decades.
Days later, with the new found power of stealing a young child's soul, John Tesh broke into a medical research laboratory in the southern United States and stole 15 vials of the most potent plague in human history. Luckily, in a later season of 24 which chronicles these events, Jack Bauer heroically stopped the deployment of much of the biological agent. However, a few vials survived. It is said that John Tesh sleeps with one under his pillow every night.
[edit] So I Have John Tesh On My Planet, What Do I Do?
There are few things you can do about a Tesh infection on your world. If you ever see John Tesh it is important that he does not see you as this may trigger the apocalypse. Be careful not to make eye contact. A helpful survival tip is to stay perfectly still as his vision is based on movement. Also, pay no mind to any words he says as even the most helpful sounding of advice can be fatal, particularly if taken rectally as much of his advice is distributed (those of you that need further clarification, I'm basically saying he talks out of his ass).
[edit] The John Tesh in Relation to Nipples
John Tesh has an odd fascination with one thing (other than destroying the world), nipples. His willingness to showcase his own nipples in even the most inappropriate of situations has long been a mystery to most people. A few, however, that have followed the ancient scrolls have known about this even before his second coming. When he first found his way to the surface from the 7th level of hell he had been regarded as nearly indestructible. In 1918 however, the British found that his nipples were his only weakness. After this startling discovery a team of X-men were assembled and it came down to an epic battle in which the "Three Stooges", Captain Power, and KoRn combined their powers and over threw him by exploiting this weakness. The result ended World War 1, created a great comedy trio and shattered the super continent Pangaea.
